Getting the courage

[OnMyLast Legs]

A lot of frustrated suicidal posters have made this thread. I might have even made it myself. Without asking for "encouragement" per se, I want to talk to people with serious attempts behind them.

To those of you who attempted and failed, how did you do it? Were you calm? Were you unusually excited? How did you decide to take the final step?

P.S. are any firearm survivors here? (I know they're rare, and probably wouldn't be here after long recoveries)

 

[Kayla]

SN attempt. I just did it, but immediately after I drank it, I regretted it massively, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

SN attempt. I just did it, but immediately after I drank it, I regretted it massively, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.

Did you throw it up? Go to a hospital and get methylene blue?

 

[Kayla]

Did you throw it up? Go to a hospital and get methylene blue?

I threw up, but I still ended up having a cardiac arrest when I arrived at the hospital.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I survived what should have been unsurvivable according to medical professionals. I overdosed, died twice, and was in a low prognosis coma that I was not expected to wake up from. It was so bad my family from out of state flew in and were expecting to say goodbye and let go of my body.

It wasn't your traditional OD, in the sense that I took an obscene amount of like 6 different prescription medications I had been hoarding and stole for over a year. I started with the benzos, then walked as far as I could muster out into the desert and took the rest of the meds.

I was anxious at first, until I got away from the house and made my way into undeveloped desert. Then I was oddly calm, and strongly determined to end my life as I took the rest of the pills. It was honestly peaceful, I felt no pain or fear as I slowly slumped down into the sand and ultimately lost consciousness.

I decided to take the final step on sheer impulse. I had been hoarding the pills for some time, however a day prior I made a very poor choice that fucked up my friends life. Because of this choice I felt I deserved death, and that I had to do so immediately because I was so ashamed of myself.

This was four years ago, and looked a lot different from my attempt this January. I got blackout drunk, drove to a Mesa, and intended to jump off of it. Only to be too hesitant to jump, completely overtaken by survival instincts and fear of ending up paralyzed. I made a post here that I don't recall, which ultimately led to local authorities being called and I was found in the early morning. Just slightly hypothermic despite sleeping in the snow without proper clothing. I was very ashamed and still carry the weight of being upset that I wasn't able to jump.

Since then I've tried PSH multiple times and have backed out. I've come to the conclusion that a more passive method, one that's tried and true, like SN is what's best suited for me. Unless something very bad were to happen, like my dog dying, I just don't have the grit to jump or hang myself as of now.

It's hard to not feel invalidated by this, but I do try to be kind to myself and remember that suicide is far from simple. We are quite literally hardwired, and deeply socially conditioned to not end our own lives.

 

[Forveleth]

I did it because I was genuinely ready to due. I did not play mind games with myself or try to convince myself to do it. I woke up that morning and knew that was the day. I also did not plan my dates but rather made an attempt when it felt right.

I was very calm for both of my attempts. There was no fanfare with my setting up beyond making myself laugh listening to videos.

As far as getting to that point, I do not have any advice. I have been comfortable with death, including mine, most if my life. I am to the point where I am miserable enough to want to forfeit the rest of my life. As it is what I actively want, it is not something I fear.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@Forveleth what was your method?

@NotSoEnchanted I feel similarly, paralyzed by depression but unable to perform a drastic act like hanging. I've confessed and given my dad my rope twice now. I have no means on hand.

Today is shot. Scrolling all day, can't muster courage to go coach (there are several others). I think tomorrow I'll get up and try to act normal. This couchrotting is disgusting. Maybe I have a little self respect left after all.

(It's also possible that I'll be worse tomorrow and end up in a disaster.)

 

[Forveleth]

@Forveleth what was your method?

First time was a half-baked method with chloroform, the second time was partial.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

partial

Obviously it didn't work fully, but how did it go? Did you get unconscious?

I was recently hospitalized for confessing the lamest partial attempts in the world.

 

[Forveleth]

Obviously it didn't work fully, but how did it go? Did you get unconscious?

I was recently hospitalized for confessing the lamest partial attempts in the world.

It went fine. I had a nice sturdy rope and spent time padding it to make sure I experienced zero pain. I knelt and leaned forward to create tension. I had to keep straightening up and readjusting the rope until I hit the sweet spot, but after that it was probably 20 seconds until I passed out.

I have no idea how long I was unconscious, but at some point, my body straightened me back up, which took tention off the rope, and I woke up. I tried to lean forward again, but at that point I was too flustered over being alive and decided to give up trying for the day. I have yet to have another day where I feel fully ready to make another attempt so here I am.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I feel similarly, paralyzed by depression but unable to perform a drastic act like hanging. I've confessed and given my dad my rope twice now. I have no means on hand.

Today is shot. Scrolling all day, can't muster courage to go coach (there are several others). I think tomorrow I'll get up and try to act normal. This couchrotting is disgusting. Maybe I have a little self respect left after all.

(It's also possible that I'll be worse tomorrow and end up in a disaster.

I'm so paralyzed by depression and anxiety, I can't even take the steps needed to obtain SN. It's so simple, all I need to do is drive 14 minutes to the post office and set up a P.O. Box, then order from DSL. I hate myself for being unable to manage a seemingly simple social interaction like talking to the post lady. I'm weak and socially fucked.

I've also spent most of my day couch rotting. I did some chores and tidying, but all in all I've just let myself rot. Hopefully tomorrow is better for the both of us.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I'm so paralyzed by depression and anxiety, I can't even take the steps needed to obtain SN. It's so simple, all I need to do is drive 14 minutes to the post office and set up a P.O. Box, then order from DSL. I hate myself for being unable to manage a seemingly simple social interaction like talking to the post lady. I'm weak and socially fucked.

I've also spent most of my day couch rotting. I did some chores and tidying, but all in all I've just let myself rot. Hopefully tomorrow is better for the both of us.

Almost a week later and I've had two straight couch days. Did a little this weekend but it was painful and half-assed. I'm going to have to venture out into the world if I stay alive and I can't. I need to find my courage and use that noose. I have no other method. The Kate Spade/Anthony Bourdain/Robin Williams method is what I got. It's doable. Cmon.

 

[May16th]

When I attempted, it was a pure impulse, I took about five mg of alprazolam mixed with cachaça and, while I was drunk, tried to cut my wrist, but I was too high to do it and just ended up with superficial cuts. I was 17 at the time, my girlfriend and I broke up, I was about to be expeled from school, I had been fired from my first job after only three months, my absent father had decided to reconnect and there were constant arguments between me, my mother, and my stepfather; I saw no way out so I just did it.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

When I attempted, it was a pure impulse, I took about five mg of alprazolam mixed with cachaça and, while I was drunk, tried to cut my wrist, but I was too high to do it and just ended up with superficial cuts. I was 17 at the time, my girlfriend and I broke up, I was about to be expeled from school, I had been fired from my first job after only three months, my absent father had decided to reconnect and there were constant arguments between me, my mother, and my stepfather; I saw no way out so I just did it.

You don't need me to tell you, but those are some low % methods! I think I would need a gun to make a truly impulsive attempt. Any hanging takes too long to set up. Though I guess my noose is already in place and seems to be at a perfect height...

 

[knowledgeseeking]

A lot of frustrated suicidal posters have made this thread. I might have even made it myself. Without asking for "encouragement" per se, I want to talk to people with serious attempts behind them.

To those of you who attempted and failed, how did you do it? Were you calm? Were you unusually excited? How did you decide to take the final step?

P.S. are any firearm survivors here? (I know they're rare, and probably wouldn't be here after long recoveries)

I injected over a gram of heroin in my vein. Immediately after I plunged the contents of the string in, I thought to myself "this is going to work". I remember feeling a great sense of optimism.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I injected over a gram of heroin in my vein. Immediately after I plunged the contents of the string in, I thought to myself "this is going to work". I remember feeling a great sense of optimism.

Wow, what happened? Found and Narcan-ed? Just woke up?

 

[knowledgeseeking]

Wow, what happened? Found and Narcan-ed? Just woke up?

It was an odd experience. I didn't know anyone who sold H so I got it online. My heart started beating harder than I thought possible and entire body went numb. The next morning I just woke up with what felt like a mild alcohol hangover. I'll never know exactly what happened but some research suggest I could have had a histamine reaction or what they call a dirty show. Needless to say I was devastated after

 

[May16th]

You don't need me to tell you, but those are some low % methods! I think I would need a gun to make a truly impulsive attempt. Any hanging takes too long to set up. Though I guess my noose is already in place and seems to be at a perfect height...

I mean, an impulse woke me up in the morning and I said to myself, "I'm going to take all my supply of xanan and drink with alcohol," and I decided to slit my wrist when I was already high, I don't know where the strength to do it came from, I had nothing planned, I wasn't suicidal a week before, at the time I never researched anything about it, I just went and did it. These days, I make plans to hang myself or do SN, but since my father retired and now spends the whole day at home, it's hard for me to be alone, I'm too broke to buy a gun and finally I lack the courage. I wish that mysterious strength I once had would return. Perhaps the fact that I've done so much research makes me afraid of surviving and then all this knowledge I've acquired becomes useless.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I mean, an impulse woke me up in the morning and I said to myself, "I'm going to take all my supply of xanan and drink with alcohol," and I decided to slit my wrist when I was already high, I don't know where the strength to do it came from, I had nothing planned, I wasn't suicidal a week before, at the time I never researched anything about it, I just went and did it. These days, I make plans to hang myself or do SN, but since my father retired and now spends the whole day at home, it's hard for me to be alone, I'm too broke to buy a gun and finally I lack the courage. I wish that mysterious strength I once had would return. Perhaps the fact that I've done so much research makes me afraid of surviving and then all this knowledge I've acquired becomes useless.

I'm definitely experiencing that fear of failure, especially with guns. That could just be hidden SI and cowardice over buying one. But I've seen people with their faces blown off on gore sites and that scares the crap out of me.

Given all the celebrity successes, its accessibility (I have rope), and its cleanness, I like hanging. The only problem is it's much more physically intense than I thought--there are strong sensations involved with cutting off blood to the brain. Maybe I only feel it when I stop and really going through with it would be peaceful. But partial takes courage, voluntarily choking yourself out is hard. OTOH, people do it for fun, so it can't be impossible.

 

[theDunce]

I'm definitely experiencing that fear of failure, especially with guns. That could just be hidden SI and cowardice over buying one. But I've seen people with their faces blown off on gore sites and that scares the crap out of me.

Given all the celebrity successes, its accessibility (I have rope), and its cleanness, I like hanging. The only problem is it's much more physically intense than I thought--there are strong sensations involved with cutting off blood to the brain. Maybe I only feel it when I stop and really going through with it would be peaceful. But partial takes courage, voluntarily choking yourself out is hard. OTOH, people do it for fun, so it can't be impossible.

I had a partial where I passed out but somehow my body woke me back up and I was able to undo the noose. However one or two more seconds and I'd say I might not have been able to undo the noose. I have a 357 magnum waiting for me now though.

I think this is a good thread because you're touching upon the area that kicks in when the attempt at suicide happens. That last breath of life comes back and fights for itself or the person who is actually able to commit the act and therefore had a particular state of mind when the did it.

I am thinking that maybe some blank state or almost a lack of sense might help and therefore make it easier to commit the act. Regardless, I know that putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger will not come easy or so I believe it won't. I was thinking about doing it fast, all at once without thinking or trying my best to do it that way.

From your original post, I am not a serious attempter yet (my partial was a practice) and I am also wondering how people get to the correct state to complete the task. I have prepared myself for my serious attempt and after trying partial I realized I must kick the chair out or get that gun to my head and pull the trigger because I will fight it till the end it seems. I have accidentally fired a gun before and it goes off when cocked at ease. One small and quick move from the finger will do it.

So I am thinking a more methodical approach and leaning towards the gun over hanging. I believe the hangin may last too long and the gun feels like it may be easier to just pull the trigger and that it happens so fast that it's done.

So the question becomes, do I set myself up with loaded gun for pure impulsive action when it come onto me, or do I just add it to my list of things to do that day like taking out the trash or brushing my teeth. How to distance myself from the act might help me here.

Anyway, I was wondering too about all of this.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

The noose is right there in my closet. I've had a rush like autoerotic asphyxiation from it and I've had tingly hands. The angle works, for once. I've read that people tend to give up on partial, but I seem to have nailed it. It would solve all my problems and get me out of all upcoming commitments. It would mean never working again. It would mean never having another bad memory. I need the courage to do it, to walk into that closet knowing I'm never walking out. Just make the decision. Like all those celebrities.