Wrath
Long live my dead dreams.
- Dec 12, 2024
- 68
I've actually made progress cleaning my room. I've given up on trying to program videogames. Even if I can get all the technical stuff to work the way I want, I'll still be a shitty artist. I'll still have no friends. I still won't have a drivers license or a bank account. I'll still be a highschool dropout. Even if I make money and recover I'll be so far behind everyone it won't even matter. I'll be balding by the time I even get my shit halfway together. So I just won't. I'll throw my hands up on my last day, and cry for the very last time. And then I'll be done. I'll finally be done. I somehow managed to delude myself again, but it just came back. It hurts even more everytime my consciousness realizes where I am in life. Not even my genitalia functions properly. I can't even masturbate without it hurting me. I can't even cry and jerk of to porn anymore. Even when I don't touch it, it constantly itches no matter what I do because doctors thought cutting it apart when I was an infant was a 'healthy' decision and my parents let them.
I don't even have my own body. My health is getting worse too. I can't sleep. I'm having problems eating. When I turned off the fan in my room, last night I realized that my ears had a dull ringing in them constantly. I have tinnitus. I didn't know, usually my fan is always on or my computer is, but last night I turned all of them off. The ringing didn't stop, it's not that bad but it's constantly there. It's driving me insane now that I noticed it. I really wanted to hold on one last time and give everything one last good try. I really wanted to try to live, even with all of my problems. But now my body is just leaving me. It's breaking.
My ctb date is coming up. It's like I can't keep myself intact enough for my date. I wanted to try and act like everything is normal until the date comes, but I'm falling apart more and more. I wanted to go when I was at the 'peak'. But everyday I just fall further. I wanted to go when I had a good day. When I would be put together. Everything just gets worse. I've been having nightmares of being raped when I was a child. I don't even know if that really happened. But when I think about it I get a panic attack, maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know. I don't fucking knkowg.
It's like the world knew I didn't want to kill myself at first, so instead of pushing me to the end fast it slowly tortured me. Now that I want to kill myself, it's making that as hard as possible so that I suffer more.
I'm so fucking glad that I can end it. I just need to squash my maladaptive daydreaming and delusions one last time. I do it so much that sometimes it makes me feel that I am good at something when I'm really not. It's my one and only cope that I stick with. Movies, anime, games, porn, I start and stop them intermittently. None of them really stick. But listening to music, and just staring off into nothingness? That I have done for a very long time.
I just want to be good at something for once in my life. But I'm mediocre in every skilled activity, and a complete failure in social anything. The only thing I'm good at is making myself feel like I'm smart by criticizing how a videogame was programmed. I haven't really programmed much at all. I don't want to look in the mirror. I have nothing staring back at me. It's just me looking more disheveled and uglier every day. I don't even have a skill to cope back on. How am I supposed to. I've never had positive reinforcement. I can't stomach failure. I don't have a support system. All that needs to happen for me to be homeless is for my dad to get fed up with me one last time. I'm trying to stay away from him in my room. Even though he feels bad for me after my brother hanging, even that will wear off eventually. I'm on another ticking clock there too. I can't be homeless. I can't.
I can't even die in the place where I want to. I want to die in my childhood bed. But that's at my mom's house. My relationship with my dad is bad, but with my mom it's even worse. I haven't talked to her in several years. And she never really runs errands, and when she does it doesn't reliably give me enough time for ctb even if I did go over there. So I'll have to do it at my dad's house. I don't have a car, I can't drive, but my dad is never gone at night so when I go I have to do it during the day. I don't want to die during the day. I want to go in my childhood bed at night like going back to sleep. But I don't even get that. fml.
Maybe someday I can be happy in another world. Wouldn't that be cool? My escapist isekai fantasy where I actually have people that care about me in a magical world! Yayyyyy. Please be fucking real. PLEASE. TRUCK-KUN FUCKING HIT ME. BULLDOZE ME RUN ME OVER. I will never ever ever come back here.
I need to clean my shitass room.
I need to get all my schitzofrenic scrawlings digitized and into the computer where no one can ever read them again.
And then I watch as much anime as I can until I vomit.
Make a scheduled goodbye post, because this forum is the only place where I could really open up about anything.
And then I fuck off into the void. And maybe maybe maybe I get my magical world fantasy. No skyscrapers, no cars, no bankers, no phones. Just knights and actual magic. A shitty life as a peasant would probably make me happy if there was actual magic. Literally a fantasy. Fingers crossed I guess.
I don't even have my own body. My health is getting worse too. I can't sleep. I'm having problems eating. When I turned off the fan in my room, last night I realized that my ears had a dull ringing in them constantly. I have tinnitus. I didn't know, usually my fan is always on or my computer is, but last night I turned all of them off. The ringing didn't stop, it's not that bad but it's constantly there. It's driving me insane now that I noticed it. I really wanted to hold on one last time and give everything one last good try. I really wanted to try to live, even with all of my problems. But now my body is just leaving me. It's breaking.
My ctb date is coming up. It's like I can't keep myself intact enough for my date. I wanted to try and act like everything is normal until the date comes, but I'm falling apart more and more. I wanted to go when I was at the 'peak'. But everyday I just fall further. I wanted to go when I had a good day. When I would be put together. Everything just gets worse. I've been having nightmares of being raped when I was a child. I don't even know if that really happened. But when I think about it I get a panic attack, maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know. I don't fucking knkowg.
It's like the world knew I didn't want to kill myself at first, so instead of pushing me to the end fast it slowly tortured me. Now that I want to kill myself, it's making that as hard as possible so that I suffer more.
I'm so fucking glad that I can end it. I just need to squash my maladaptive daydreaming and delusions one last time. I do it so much that sometimes it makes me feel that I am good at something when I'm really not. It's my one and only cope that I stick with. Movies, anime, games, porn, I start and stop them intermittently. None of them really stick. But listening to music, and just staring off into nothingness? That I have done for a very long time.
I just want to be good at something for once in my life. But I'm mediocre in every skilled activity, and a complete failure in social anything. The only thing I'm good at is making myself feel like I'm smart by criticizing how a videogame was programmed. I haven't really programmed much at all. I don't want to look in the mirror. I have nothing staring back at me. It's just me looking more disheveled and uglier every day. I don't even have a skill to cope back on. How am I supposed to. I've never had positive reinforcement. I can't stomach failure. I don't have a support system. All that needs to happen for me to be homeless is for my dad to get fed up with me one last time. I'm trying to stay away from him in my room. Even though he feels bad for me after my brother hanging, even that will wear off eventually. I'm on another ticking clock there too. I can't be homeless. I can't.
I can't even die in the place where I want to. I want to die in my childhood bed. But that's at my mom's house. My relationship with my dad is bad, but with my mom it's even worse. I haven't talked to her in several years. And she never really runs errands, and when she does it doesn't reliably give me enough time for ctb even if I did go over there. So I'll have to do it at my dad's house. I don't have a car, I can't drive, but my dad is never gone at night so when I go I have to do it during the day. I don't want to die during the day. I want to go in my childhood bed at night like going back to sleep. But I don't even get that. fml.
Maybe someday I can be happy in another world. Wouldn't that be cool? My escapist isekai fantasy where I actually have people that care about me in a magical world! Yayyyyy. Please be fucking real. PLEASE. TRUCK-KUN FUCKING HIT ME. BULLDOZE ME RUN ME OVER. I will never ever ever come back here.
I need to clean my shitass room.
I need to get all my schitzofrenic scrawlings digitized and into the computer where no one can ever read them again.
And then I watch as much anime as I can until I vomit.
Make a scheduled goodbye post, because this forum is the only place where I could really open up about anything.
And then I fuck off into the void. And maybe maybe maybe I get my magical world fantasy. No skyscrapers, no cars, no bankers, no phones. Just knights and actual magic. A shitty life as a peasant would probably make me happy if there was actual magic. Literally a fantasy. Fingers crossed I guess.
