Venting General Venting thread about my life and conditions (sorry for if it's incoherent at times)

[DazaiKinnie]

So, this is my first thread on Sasu, been here for two years, I can't say much since for like 1 year or more I had been MIA.
So this thread is more like a vent thread for me, I will post more about my life here, like a mini journal.
So, waht happened for me to be MIA, well, I don't know exactly, but here is what I know until now.
Doctors said I suffered a hit to the head or something similar, it resulted me in losing a lot of years worth of memories, my reccolections of childhood and everything I am gonna say
here are from what other people told me.
After the incident where I hit my head a year or so ago I forgot about this site and that it existed, although I got contradictory information from people saying that I had memory
problem, althought not as severe as the ones I have now since high-school and that they got worse over time.
From what I had been told they didn't seem severe and the doctors thought it was cognitive impairment from schizophrenia which I am diagnosed with. Fast forward some time from that
point and from what I know I started to lose memory coherent and persistence, basically I am unable to keep new memories for a long period, the period which I can store memories
before they distort is around 4 to 5 weeks.
It's going to be a mess since I can't organize my thoughts currently, but let's continue. Sometimes I enter states of confusion where I am, you guessed it, confused and have no real
idea what is happening around me. I can still speak, interact and I can move around but mentally I am in Narnia or it's like a dense fog that envelops my mind, it is gradual and now
I can't really tell when I am going to enter a state of confusion, the only sign that I have but that is also based on luck is feeling pressure around my head. These states can last
anywhere from 30minutes to 6 hours, while confused my mind is a low slower, my body moves slower, the body feels a bit stiff and awkward to move.
I keep losing memories, even recent ones and I have trouble recalling recent events(things that happened 1 to 2 weeks ago).
I been to doctors but they couldn't find much wrong with my brain(I only did MRI's) and have no idea of the symptoms. Currently I am trying to work and make my own living as much as I can.
Not to mention lucidity is rare for me, I always feels like I am in a less severe confusion state. Sometimes I am in a state of bliss where I am either lucid and can remember some
things correctly or I am too confused to care about other stuff.
Me rediscovering SaSu helped me talk with some people in the chat and I am happy to be back. I only decided now to post this thread.
There were a lot more things that happened, but these are the only ones I can remember and are relevant.
Sorry if it's too messy or jumbled up to read.

 

[whywere]

The main aspect is that you have a warm heart and an outstanding spirit about yourself. Those help to make you such a wonderful person.

Reading your thread made me think of my ups, downs and everything that has happened in my life. You are a very strong person.

Lots of well wishes and wonderful sunny skies, as you deserve the best.

Walter

 

[DazaiKinnie]

Update 1:
Ok that was written in a state of confusion, the many grammatical mistakes and the weird formatting. I am currently working in the Netherlands as an order picker, got fired 2 times because of mistakes made by my condition. Now they need to move me from my current city to another for new work(I work for a staffing company).
Needless to say, to me it feels as if I am slowly declining and me working are the last ways for me to hold onto hope for myself that things can get better for me. Althought, much of that hope is lost with how much my cognition decline, and the worst part others are aware of this more than I am, it also comes with behavioral changes.
That's all from me for today.

 

[whywere]

Update 1:
Ok that was written in a state of confusion, the many grammatical mistakes and the weird formatting. I am currently working in the Netherlands as an order picker, got fired 2 times because of mistakes made by my condition. Now they need to move me from my current city to another for new work(I work for a staffing company).
Needless to say, to me it feels as if I am slowly declining and me working are the last ways for me to hold onto hope for myself that things can get better for me. Althought, much of that hope is lost with how much my cognition decline, and the worst part others are aware of this more than I am, it also comes with behavioral changes.
That's all from me for today.

Heavens, you are REALLY strong!

Knowing the situation, you are in and still constantly working and being an excellent part of society is just so AWESOME!

I wish that I was 1/10th as strong and wonderful as you!!

WOW is all I can say and a HUGE pat on the back to you, my good friend.

Walter

 

[DazaiKinnie]

UPDATE 2:
Forgot to post for about two days. They aren't moving me in the end. They are gonna find me a job here, locally where I am.
I can't remember the past 2 days well, but I know I just played games on my laptop and cooked some food, that's about all I can remember.
I need to see a doctor soon for my issues

 

[DazaiKinnie]

UPDATE 3: I forgot to post again, I was pretty sick these past 2 weeks and was moved in with a very bad roomate. They still moved me in the end, but I been to the doctor and he reffered me to a mental health specialist. He will tell me if I am able to work or not based on my condition that I have. I hope I can still work and not be forced to return to my home country
UPDATE 4: Something else that I forgot, I had a few moments of lucidity at work, 2 in total, one last 1 hour and 30 minutes and the other one 1 hour.

 

[DazaiKinnie]

UPDATE 5:
I had a pretty productive day yesterday, but I missed my alarm for work and now I am changed to another shift. There are some things that I wanted to say but can't remember.
I feel that overall my situation is going downhill, my mind becomes more uncertain and I can't know if I should trust it or not anymore