deepsweetdiver
Member
- Dec 10, 2024
- 52
If anyone has seen "I saw the tv glow", I'll explain how I feel through that.
My tv has always glowed. Most of the time it was faint. Sometimes it flickered. For a while when I was a teen, it shone brighter than ever. I let it shine at school then hid it at home. Soon enough people didn't know when to take their filter off infront of my family. So I unplugged the tv. When I wasn't scared, I plugged it back in, still shining. I shone very lightly at school. I couldn't deal with the pain of hiding, so I broke the screen of my tv. Threw a blanket on it. Blindfolded myself in front of it. And its been like that for a while. But for these past few weeks, it somehow shines. But all I feel is guilt. I could never let it shine again.
If thats confusing, basically I've felt insecure about my gender all my life, and I always knew something was wrong until I actually wondered what it was. But I've bottled it up so long that I don't even want to transition or do anything. Even if there is still time for me, it will be nothing. I'll still be a female husk with a weird amalgamate of male and female in my head. I don't want to die a woman and not know who I am, but I don't want to die desperately searching for what I am.
Sorry if this makes no sense. I haven't who I am for a while.
My tv has always glowed. Most of the time it was faint. Sometimes it flickered. For a while when I was a teen, it shone brighter than ever. I let it shine at school then hid it at home. Soon enough people didn't know when to take their filter off infront of my family. So I unplugged the tv. When I wasn't scared, I plugged it back in, still shining. I shone very lightly at school. I couldn't deal with the pain of hiding, so I broke the screen of my tv. Threw a blanket on it. Blindfolded myself in front of it. And its been like that for a while. But for these past few weeks, it somehow shines. But all I feel is guilt. I could never let it shine again.
If thats confusing, basically I've felt insecure about my gender all my life, and I always knew something was wrong until I actually wondered what it was. But I've bottled it up so long that I don't even want to transition or do anything. Even if there is still time for me, it will be nothing. I'll still be a female husk with a weird amalgamate of male and female in my head. I don't want to die a woman and not know who I am, but I don't want to die desperately searching for what I am.
Sorry if this makes no sense. I haven't who I am for a while.
