NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

. .

 

[star.trip]

Today I asked chatgpt: Why am I still single?

His answer was: Turn on the front camera, no filters...and get ready for the truth.

 

[maniac116]

 

[The Morningstar]

I saw this really chill woman sitting alone at a party, just sort of smiling to herself.
So, I walked up to her and said, "I really like your vibe."
In a panic, she closed her legs together and drew her skirt over her knees and whispered to me, "I thought I was being sneaky; how could you tell?!"

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

1) A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

2) When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back...

 

[maniac116]

1) When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

2) Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

 

[maniac116]

. .

 

[maniac116]

A guy was walking to a bar...

On his way, he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her, and they ended up fooling around.

The guy gets to the bar, and his friends ask why he's so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they tried out.

The friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies:

I couldn't find it.

 

[The Morningstar]

Man: "My wife died. Cancer got her."
Hitman named Cancer:

 

[maniac116]

1)

2)
My girlfriend said she wanted to breakup with me so I stole her wheelchair...
Guess who came crawling back begging today!

 

[maniac116]

What does a perverted frog say?
"Rubbit"...

 

[fedup1982]

 

[maniac116]

FOR SALE:
Parachute. Only used once. Never opened...
Large red stain

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

1) I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

2) I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

 

[maniac116]

• What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
• Why don't witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
• What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.
• What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine.

 

[The Morningstar]

69?

Very informative and educational, love it!

I'm running low on jokes lately, but here's a meme I made:

Edit: ok, maybe there's a joke here, let's see...hmm...

When she's a Hispanic baddie, but she's hooked on more than just Phonics:

 

[maniac116]

"A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'"

"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, 'Why are there three in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool,' says the boy. He notices a six pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies:
'Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...'"

 

[maniac116]

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose.".