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Liamm

Member
Jun 28, 2024
26
Am i just that shitty? My wife asks me to change something, i change instantly. i try to atleast. She does not do the same.

She admitted today that I do anything she asks. But she feels bad for not doing the same for me.

I comfort her even when she hurts me. I change, when i feel slighted. I try my best to be the best, most biblical husband. And its not enough. She holds the past over my head for things that I have already changed and I just feel... Shitty. I tell her and she plays victim and cries saying that she is horrible and Im gonna leave.

She read my diary. I was writing about how I feel like Im in love with the man who sexually assaulted me. Those were never supposed to fall on any ears. And she got upset with me. She then said that she felt bad she couldn't understand what lust is and that she just felt hurt by that.

She was hurt.

I reacted calmly and explained how it was a trauma response. I said that I don't enjoy that feeling or thought. I said I wasn't angry at her, and that I forgave her and that it was ok. That going forward she shouldn't read my things. She then went on to talk about how she was hurt that I didn't tell her on the night I was assaulted that I was assaulted.

I understand that people can be hurt by loved ones being hurt. But why is she the victim? Why did I have to apologize for not telling her I was fucking touched the same night it happened? I told her my reasonings, that I didn't think it mattered cause Im... A male, and that I thought she would be angry and think I was cheating but it didn't matter to her.

What am I doing wrong? Im supposed to love everyone and give nothing but love thats my purpose for living right? I was being so happy so positive these last few days, trying to do just that, because I believe thats the purpose God gave me. But everything leads me back to here. I cant fucking do this anymore. I sike myself into thinking things are getting better but then i realize how shitty i am again and that nothing i do will ever be good enough and that no matter what i fucking change ill always be a God- damned fuck up.

Im locked in the fucking bathroom tearing up. I gave up my friends for her. Im glad i have this place to vent to. I think i might decide to ctb before my next birthday-- the anniversary of my assault. It hurts so fucking much but there are more people to love in the meantime. There are more people in desperate need of God's love. And i will allow God to love them through me with what life i can stomach left.

i can't fuckin do this y'all. i can't cut anymore, i dont have friends to vent to, all i have is the purpose God gave me. but i can't fucking do this. i feel like im gonna have a fucking anxiety attack ots too much. but i dont have the time to say rn.
 
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futurebuscatcher

futurebuscatcher

Cat Connoisseur
Sep 15, 2024
101
I am not gonna pretend I know your situation but what your feeling is totally valid. I do not want to speak ill of people I do not know but it sounds like she does reciprocate nor have empathy. She is playing victim to have better control over you. She violated your privacy and acted like your trauma hurt her more. This is toxic, it is not love. Men can be abused too.

You deserve a better support system and someone that truly values and understands your feelings and situation. Should you have a good friend or family member open up to them. Trust me it's jot easy but it can be worth it

I'm not saying the desire to CBT isn't valid, but you may want to sift through this situation first before going through with it.
 
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Addled and Rattled

Addled and Rattled

Member
Mar 15, 2023
24
I'm sorry that happened to you, that you felt like it didn't matter because you're a man. It definitely still does matter.
It's very wholesome that you want to give love to those who need it, but I'd caution you that it should not come at your own expense for so long. I think it might be part of the reason you are in the situation you are now. Maybe you too, need love once in a while.
And yes, what your wife did was very wrong. Imagine doing that to anyone else. Hell no.
My birthday and my assault are also interlinked. It sucks, doesn't it? I hope you can find peace. You deserve a lot better. <3
 
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kunikuzushi

kunikuzushi

sause
Jan 24, 2023
460
It's wrong that she invaded your privacy. You can't control your thoughts and feelings. And the thoughts and feelings that arise after trauma can be really scary, unwanted, etc. I'm sorry she's not taking the time to understand this. I'm sorry you're going through so many difficult things.
 
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E

Edistrying

Member
Jul 22, 2024
63
I have to many thoughts right now but I the most important things is: NO, You're no a SHITTY, you're no doing something wrong & you can do everything you want. What you are feeling right now is valid but you also deserve to much love, affection.
You are giving everything to her (and yes, maybe she deserve it) but you need first give this love & energy to yourself !!!
You sound like a great man, you deserve love & warmth, I hope you realize and give to yourself
 
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Someplace_nice

Someplace_nice

Student
Sep 28, 2024
127
You are not a shitty person, your wife is an abusive asshole who only cares about herself. Hun I'd advise you to leave her but I also don't know your situation, if you stopped talking to everyone bc of her I'm sure your family would take you back. You deserve all the love, respect, compassion, and kindness in the world.
 
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L

Liamm

Member
Jun 28, 2024
26
I am not gonna pretend I know your situation but what your feeling is totally valid. I do not want to speak ill of people I do not know but it sounds like she does reciprocate nor have empathy. She is playing victim to have better control over you. She violated your privacy and acted like your trauma hurt her more. This is toxic, it is not love. Men can be abused too.

You deserve a better support system and someone that truly values and understands your feelings and situation. Should you have a good friend or family member open up to them. Trust me it's jot easy but it can be worth it

I'm not saying the desire to CBT isn't valid, but you may want to sift through this situation first before going through with it.
Thank you. i wish it was just her. but on top of the other things going on it just pushes me closer to give up. im so tempted to call my friend(s) but i can't because my wife doesn't want me talking to them. and even if i leave she said she'd kill herself and i just fucking cant do anything.

Thank you for validating my feelings. All the things that i have to juggle just get too much, though i haven't really talked about them.
I'm sorry that happened to you, that you felt like it didn't matter because you're a man. It definitely still does matter.
It's very wholesome that you want to give love to those who need it, but I'd caution you that it should not come at your own expense for so long. I think it might be part of the reason you are in the situation you are now. Maybe you too, need love once in a while.
And yes, what your wife did was very wrong. Imagine doing that to anyone else. Hell no.
My birthday and my assault are also interlinked. It sucks, doesn't it? I hope you can find peace. You deserve a lot better. <3
i think i sought out an abusive relationship tbh. I only had one previous relationship where they emotionally and physically abused me. It would make sense that i would subconsciously seek that out again.

Im fucking sorry this happened to you too. It really does suck having a day like that changed forever.
How could i hope to leave when she puts her fucking life in my hands? She literally tried fucking killing herself in the other room. How can i not feel fucking shitty? How could i not think im doing something wrong? How could i even know what the fuck im doing wrong when if i say nothing its wrong if i choose my words as carefully as possible its wrong-- urgh

here is the only place i feel like maybe im actually sane and that im trying. i appreciate this but... i still dont want to live. im fucking tired. Just... Tired.

i feel nothing inside. i am trying to emulate a human and the gig is getting harder and harder.

I have so much more i want to say but i have to go comfort my wife. i dont know what i did wrong yet again. and she wont tell me, yet again. but love is patient love is kind?

i want to die.
 
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Reflection

Reflection

Arcanist
Sep 12, 2024
406
I kind of understand, my ex girlfriend was somewhat similar...whenever she asked me to change something I did, I went the whole 9 yards for her, all I wanted in return was to stay by each other's side, and I have nothing to show for it...the moment I ask her to change something that hurts me, it turns into an argument that I inevitably lose and just have to forget about...I dropped everything for her, cared for her even when she hurt me, yet she dropped me for reasons that only she could justify.
 
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identity0

identity0

.
Sep 25, 2024
389
im so tempted to call my friend(s) but i can't because my wife doesn't want me talking to them. and even if i leave she said she'd kill herself and i just fucking cant do anything.
That does sound like an abusive relationship to me. Sorry
 
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futurebuscatcher

futurebuscatcher

Cat Connoisseur
Sep 15, 2024
101
Once again, I am not gonna pretend that it's easy or I know your situation 100%

But call that bluff. Take that step and spend time with a friend. Book a hotel just so can have a bit of space. It's terrifying I know, but he reason she is lashing out and threatening you is because she is losing control over you which is a good thing.

Record your interactions. Screenshot texts, have your phone in your pocket with the mic on when arguments happen, take photos. This way she cannot flip the script on you and say you were abusive. This will also make a court case or potential arrest easier because you're building a file and showing a history.

Just take sentimental items with you should you go over to a friend's to make sure nothing happens to them.

Op, you need to get out of there. You may think you're stuck, that it's difficult (and it is), or you've just grown used to it, but that isn't how it should be.

And forgive me of this is way out of pocket or out of line but if you kill yourself, you are giving her a good excuse to why she's abusive or controlling to the next person she hurts.
 
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Liamm

Member
Jun 28, 2024
26
And forgive me of this is way out of pocket or out of line but if you kill yourself, you are giving her a good excuse to why she's abusive or controlling to the next person she hurts.
No, thank you for saying this. No hard feelings, these words matter a lot to me.
 
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Reflection

Reflection

Arcanist
Sep 12, 2024
406
Thank you. i wish it was just her. but on top of the other things going on it just pushes me closer to give up. im so tempted to call my friend(s) but i can't because my wife doesn't want me talking to them. and even if i leave she said she'd kill herself and i just fucking cant do anything.
Please do yourself a favor and leave her, she doesn't love you, and she isn't protectively jealous, she just wants you to be her pet or slave. This isn't a situation where you can work it out and compromise because she will never do that, and her threats to kill herself are empty, and even if she does it's absolutely not your fault since not only is she abusing you, but her reason wouldn't be out of losing you but rather losing the control she has over you. If it's either you and her, choose yourself. Only sacrifice for someone who will sacrifice for you, best of luck.
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,166
Honestly, you should break up with her. Somebody who truly cares about you wouldn't react in such a way to your trauma, let alone would they violate your privacy and go through your diary without your permission. She seems to be manipulative and abusive and is using your trauma and guilt against you. This behaviour is only going to get worse over time. You haven't done anything wrong here. You shouldn't have to give up your friends for her, let alone should you even be crying in the bathroom. Her making it feel like you have to cut your friends out of your life for her is an abuse tactic that people use to isolate their victims.

Also, your being assaulted does matter. You shouldn't feel the need to downplay it because of your gender. Your sexual trauma is just as valid as the sexual trauma that any woman has.
 
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L

Liamm

Member
Jun 28, 2024
26
Honestly, you should break up with her. Somebody who truly cares about you wouldn't react in such a way to your trauma, let alone would they violate your privacy and go through your diary without your permission. She seems to be manipulative and abusive and is using your trauma and guilt against you. This behaviour is only going to get worse over time. You haven't done anything wrong here. You shouldn't have to give up your friends for her, let alone should you even be crying in the bathroom. Her making it feel like you have to cut your friends out of your life for her is an abuse tactic that people use to isolate their victims.

Also, your being assaulted does matter. You shouldn't feel the need to downplay it because of your gender. Your sexual trauma is just as valid as the sexual trauma that any woman has.
Please do yourself a favor and leave her, she doesn't love you, and she isn't protectively jealous, she just wants you to be her pet or slave. This isn't a situation where you can work it out and compromise because she will never do that, and her threats to kill herself are empty, and even if she does it's absolutely not your fault since not only is she abusing you, but her reason wouldn't be out of losing you but rather losing the control she has over you. If it's either you and her, choose yourself. Only sacrifice for someone who will sacrifice for you, best of luck.
Urgh, its so stressful to think about, and i know you all are right i just am so fucking scared. We go through bouts where everything is "ok" and i always sike myself into believing its getting better and that things will change like right now but its only a matter of time before all this blows up in my face again like always. i'm such a fucking idiot idk. i'm talking to a therapist right now and ill see if that helps me go through with my decision. idk i don't fucking know. Thank you both still for your words, it still helps to know im not just insane.
 
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C

CatLvr

Enlightened
Aug 1, 2024
1,466
I have skipped from one abusive relationship to another all my adult life. I also watch relationships go from bad to worse in divorce court. (Worked for lawyers.) Yes, you need to leave her. But be smart about it. Depending on where you live, what you do for a living, whether you have kids, how long you've been together, and a thousand other things, it could cost you a small fortune over your lifetime.

If you do decide to leave, don't announce it. To anyone. People can't keep their mouths shut so this is between you and your lawyer. Period. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace and contentment.
 
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W

wren-briar

wrenbriar.gitlab.io
Jul 1, 2024
223
@Liamm

How are you doing?

How did therapy go?

I strongly second, third, etc. everyone else who has said you're in an abusive situation, and those don't get better.

Please document and record as much as possible (as @futurebuscatcher detailed so well), reach out to a divorce lawyer (as @CatLvr suggested), and please, reach out to your friends!!!

🫂
 
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L

Liamm

Member
Jun 28, 2024
26
@Liamm

How are you doing?

How did therapy go?

I strongly second, third, etc. everyone else who has said you're in an abusive situation, and those don't get better.

Please document and record as much as possible (as @futurebuscatcher detailed so well), reach out to a divorce lawyer (as @CatLvr suggested), and please, reach out to your friends!!!

🫂
Im doing ok today. In therapy, my doc said to basically stomach it because marriage is hard but beatiful.

Everyone around me has been saying how i need to stick ot out because she is going through a hard time too, and that i cant be selfish thinking in a marriage.

Im stuck thinking maybe i made all this up and im just gaslighting her and myself? Maybe i really am the problem? Everything was fine recently no problems at all randomly and it feels weird.

I don't know. I don't think so many people would be saying the above to me right now, including my therapist if she was the problem. I think maybe I'm like a narcissist or something? I don't know. Gaslighter? Being dramatic? Maybe I was playing victim this whole time?

I truly don't know. I cant trust my own words. I cant trust my own feelings even. I think i just ruin things. I dont know. Everything is fine? Maybe i was the problem making problems from nothing.
 

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