Fuck Survival Instict

[willitpass]

I'm so frustrated. I have everything I need. I've even found a hotel I can go to tonight. I've been so so ready. Yet now that all the cards line up the SI kicks in and suddenly I don't know if I'm ready. I fucking hate SI. I know I want to die. I've wanted it for half my life. Yet the deep instinct to not do it always manages to take over last minute. I'm trying to not let it suck me in because today would be so perfect but I don't want to do it while anxious and risk calling for help. God dammit.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I'm so frustrated. I have everything I need. I've even found a hotel I can go to tonight. I've been so so ready. Yet now that all the cards line up the SI kicks in and suddenly I don't know if I'm ready. I fucking hate SI. I know I want to die. I've wanted it for half my life. Yet the deep instinct to not do it always manages to take over last minute. I'm trying to not let it suck me in because today would be so perfect but I don't want to do it while anxious and risk calling for help. God dammit.

What's your method?

 

[willitpass]

What's your method?

A full bottle of a medication that lowers your heart rate with benadryl and alcohol. I'll also be setting up a rope in case I wake up from it.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

A full bottle of a medication that lowers your heart rate with benadryl and alcohol. I'll also be setting up a rope in case I wake up from it.

What medication?

 

[willitpass]

What medication?

It's a prescription medication similar to a beta blocker but it's not exactly the same. It's a newer, not very common drug.

 

[Rain&dark]

At least you have everything ready to go in you need it in the future. That can be quite comforting and give you a sense of control. If you do have more certainty in a few days / weeks you can just drive to the woods or something. It's easy enough to escape for a few hours. Don't feel let down. We wouldn't have had this chat tonight if you'd have done it.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I fucking hate SI. I know I want to die. I've wanted it for half my life. Yet the deep instinct to not do it always manages to take over last minute. I'm trying to not let it suck me in because today would be so perfect but I don't want to do it while anxious and risk calling for help. God dammit.

I was in the same boat as you a few times and am unfortunately still around and it is fucking terrible. I don't know how people overcome it and we can't know since they're not around to tell us. It's incredibly frustrating and demoralizing to go through this and I'm sorry you're going through it right now. I hope someday (if it's today I'm sure that'd be great) you can find the peace you want. As @Rain&dark said there is some comfort that you have what you need and are ready to go in the future for when the time comes again. Best wishes to you.

 

[willitpass]

I've booked the hotel for a night. I've decided if the times right I'll do it. If not then I'll have a night away to think.

 

[Rain&dark]

Are you staying away tonight? Might as well if you've already booked it! We are following this thread if you need to post anything or share anything that you did or didn't do.

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

The pain of living must be stronger than the survival instinct. You have to realize that it will be too painful to go on living. Only then suicide is possible. Anyone can die by suicide.

 

[willitpass]

The pain of living must be stronger than the survival instinct. You have to realize that it will be too painful to go on living. Only then suicide is possible. Anyone can die by suicide.

I've had three nearly successful suicide attempts since I was 13. Many smaller ones in between. Im familiar with the "it's the right time" feeling. I've had it for weeks consecutively at this point and it's only been overwhelmed by SI since I finalized plans, which is frustrating because it's the only thing standing in my way right now. Only time will tell if tonight is right.

 

[theboy]

it's in our genes to have the SI.

 

[willitpass]

I'm at the hotel. I've already rigged up the rope to the bathroom door. Now I'm going to spend some time pondering. If I make the decision to do it, the pills and rope are ready for me.

 

[restless.dreams]

Wishing you clarity and peace of mind, whatever you decide <3

 

[willitpass]

I don't want to not ctb and live. But I don't want to try to ctb and fail. I'm so fucking scared of failing. I just want to die.
I took the benadryl awhile ago and I'm starting to get drowsy. If I'm going to do it tonight now is the time. Fuck. I wish dying wasn't so difficult.
Currently considering down my meds and then hanging myself. A double whammy.