Venting Frustrated

[ssUser34]

I'm so frustrated every single day. I don't know what to do with myself. It's been half a year since I've lost all of my friends at school, including my now ex boyfriend a month ago. I was genuinely believing they are gonna be forever, it was like the first time in my life I've felt so connected to people. But it's been half a year since I made mistakes that made them turn away from me. Half a year and I've tried all lot of things but nothing has changed. Maybe I'm just an awful person I don't know. They can't see that I've changed, apparently. I don't even know how to show that I have. Like "hey guys, I'm a good person now and I don't hurt people" wont work. But how can they see who I am now if we don't even interact. Every day I sit alone in a corner at every break or smoke outside. It's so incredibly frustrating. Being an extrovert but being forced to be alone drains you out. I'm just so tired. I've tried to kill myself three times in September, couldn't even succeed once. I don't even know if I want to ctb anymore, I just wanna be happy. I just wanna feel fulfilled, satisfied. But these thoughts every day are making me crazy. I even thought my ex was gonna be forever but he stopped loving me because I invalidated the viewpoint of his friends (the friends that once were my friends, too). Because it's hard to see their viewpoint as valid when I've been excluded for half a year which fucked me up mentally. Sure I did some bad things. But I didn't deserve being thrown away like that. I know that for sure. I've tried talking to some of them, nothing changed. Im talking to a councelor at school, and we're gonna try to organise a talk with me and these people again (tried to do that once already some months ago.) My ex, even though we're not together, still said he'd advocate for me. I'm glad he cares enough to do that. But still it fucking sucks that he doesn't love me anymore. But oh well, I guess that's on moving on now. I can do it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't frustrate me, everything. There's also the fact that my ex tried to od some time ago. I was suspecting it cause I saw he was in the hospital, but I didn't know why. I asked about it but he didn't wanna talk about it so I said I understand. But then he posted about it and described how it felt waking up and being plugged up to the heart monitor. And it was fucking haunting to read. I genuinely panicked cause I didn't know it was the actual reason for his hospital stay and getting that confirmed was just, well, sad. I came over to his house after a month of not talking after seeing that cause it made me worried like hell, to let him know I care, but we ended up talking about our relationship too, and that's when he admitted he doesn't love me anymore (or I think I kind of made him admit it). He said we could still talk and stuff, but he's ghosting me again. And when he said the thing about that he'd advocate for me when it comes to the friend group conflict, I asked if he really cared enough to do that and he said yes. But then again he's been ignoring my messages so what conclusion does that leave me with?
As of right now I'm planning my suicide, I don't know if I will actually go through with it cause for some reason even though I'm going through all this shit I still have some hope, and will to live. But I don't know if that'll be for a long time. If not, I will ctb next week when I'm in my country as I will have access to SN. Though I'm worried I might not succeed either as I don't have access to antiemetics. But I don't know, maybe I won't want to take my life either way. I guess I'll have to see how things go for now. Thank you for reading and take care