SmilingNoMore
Paragon
- Nov 25, 2024
- 956
Is it normal, or can anyone relate? I've changed from being actively suicidal and seeing the way out almost happily, to passive yet optimistic to ctb while waiting for the means, and now just feel super depressed and empty. The same dark pit feeling as before, but almost not wanting to get out of it by means of ctb, like I don't have the energy. I just want to vanish, cease to exist, let the earth swallow me, hide, etc.
I feel incompetent and dead inside, don't know who I am or wtf I'm doing here anymore. Is this progression or regression or just plain confusion? Could it be a phase/cycle we go through, I mean as part of the process of being suicidal? I know we are all different with different reasons for being here, but most of us have/had suicidal intentions. I feel that I should've left earlier. Is this why so many of you say if you could do it over, you'd have ctb earlier? Because somehow this depression/nothingness gets in the way?
End of this month, I should finally be able to purchase SN and I will go ahead with it, because I don't want to ever go through the hell of needing it and not having it. But I'm not sure if I will use it, or when. While before I really just wanted out, now I want it more for insurance purposes even though I feel more crap than ever. Does it make sense? Would love to hear if you've gone through anything similar, or if your experience is totally different.
I feel incompetent and dead inside, don't know who I am or wtf I'm doing here anymore. Is this progression or regression or just plain confusion? Could it be a phase/cycle we go through, I mean as part of the process of being suicidal? I know we are all different with different reasons for being here, but most of us have/had suicidal intentions. I feel that I should've left earlier. Is this why so many of you say if you could do it over, you'd have ctb earlier? Because somehow this depression/nothingness gets in the way?
End of this month, I should finally be able to purchase SN and I will go ahead with it, because I don't want to ever go through the hell of needing it and not having it. But I'm not sure if I will use it, or when. While before I really just wanted out, now I want it more for insurance purposes even though I feel more crap than ever. Does it make sense? Would love to hear if you've gone through anything similar, or if your experience is totally different.
