From Cop to Convict, a hello.

[COP2CON]

Iv been struggling to find a way to tell my story to you all and figured I might just start with a hello instead. Hi, I'm COP2CON. I am between 35 and 40, a male, and located at a maximum security facility with the department of corrections in my state. I have to be vague about my info because I am using a contraband device with contraband WiFi to access the internet. It could net me 5 more years which I don't care about but I would be severely beaten if I was found out. I'm in a very bad prison in a very bad state to be in prison. I'm serving a life sentence with the possibility of parole for murder. In my state , that is actually life without parole as they release pretty much nobody in my position. I was a cop for some years and was active duty upon my arrest. No, I did not shoot a person of color before anyone asks.....its always the first question. I became a cop to help people and was a favorite in my communities. I was nice and fair and tried to let everyone go and just overall the exact cop you would want to meet. I had no complaints and the state couldn't even find anyone I dealt with who had something bad to say about me. I saw things people should never see, felt things that shouldn't be felt, I have more nightmare fuel. I am not ready to talk about what let me here but it was a series of bad decisions followed by a tragic accident.

I found this forum and wanted to do some research as my life is beyond salvageable. I figured while I'm here maybe I can say some of the things that people never said to me and maybe give someone that little bit of niceness and understanding they need. I respect everyones decision but want nobody to "CTB". I know that makes me hypocritical as I'm looking to leave but take it from me, I would give anything for the opportunity to look for a real friend or just generally someone who loves me. I used to cut and attempted to OD once on like 30000mg of mood stabilizers ( I know I was dumb). I have been hospitalized twice at mental hospitals and have struggled daily and nearly ever minute of my life with suicide since I was 10 years old. I know what many of you are feeling and just know I wish I could comfort you all and that I'm sorry for your pain. I will write more detailed stuff later but this is good for now. Also, I can only get on for a certain amount every day before things have to be hid from the CO's so I may not be able to respond. Future plans are to give an educational look at what happens after you die from a law enforcement perspective in the US atleast and purging myself of some of this awfulness as well as researching the few methods available to me. Anyways, hello and I look forward to maybe helping some of you.

 

[Shiitake]

I wish you luck, especially that nobody finds your phone. I will make sure to follow your account.

 

[COP2CON]

Also forgive me, I went years without technology or internet so it takes some adjustments. I will figure out these messages and follows soon. To respond above, I'm actually on a semi broken jail broke tablet using WiFi from some else's phone. Much cheaper and I don't have to worry about the phone.

 

[RadioRamen]

I'm sorry to hear you found what sounds like a calling in your life only to meet the end you find yourself in . Don't know your whole story but where you are now I hope you can find your peace.

 

[Shiitake]

Also forgive me, I went years without technology or internet so it takes some adjustments. I will figure out these messages and follows soon. To respond above, I'm actually on a semi broken jail broke tablet using WiFi from some else's phone. Much cheaper and I don't have to worry about the phone.

following people simply means you get pinged when they do a post, nothing more to it.

 

[COP2CON]

following people simply means you get pinged when they do a post, nothing more to it.

YeaH I'm like teenager with it. I have to refollow everyone lol

 

[Mooncry]

Man… My heart actually hurts for you. I know I don't know your story or anything about you, but the fact that you're here trying to inform and help people despite the risk to yourself is admirable. But I am scared for you with the possibility of getting physically harmed for this. Please be careful…

 

[WakingNightmare]

Fucking brutal place to be in from the sounds of things, do you have many years left?
From what I've heard they make life hell for anyone who tries to CTB in prison so you need to be careful of any failed attempts

 

[COP2CON]

Man… My heart actually hurts for you. I know I don't know your story or anything about you, but the fact that you're here trying to inform and help people despite the risk to yourself is admirable. But I am scared for you with the possibility of getting physically harmed for this. Please be careful…

Fucking brutal place to be in from the sounds of things, do you have many years left?
From what I've heard they make life hell for anyone who tries to CTB in prison so you need to be careful of any failed attempts

I appreciate the concern but if they just find me, its no big deal but if someone were to find out and call the DOC then that's where the beating comes in. More than likely I have forever left but its a minimum of 30 years before your first parole review.....I have awhile

 

[Chemi]

That's a tough read. Been 15 minutes now, and I'm still overwhelmed with what to think. That's just truly an awful situation you are in.

 

[COP2CON]

That's a tough read. Been 15 minutes now, and I'm still overwhelmed with what to think. That's just truly an awful situation you are in.

I appreciate it. Everything is my fault and I take responsibility but knowing I should have not been charged or sentenced this high and there's no end date sucks. The loneliness I'd the worst, EVERYONE leaves you when your in prison.

 

[Douggy82]

Beat by who? Guards or inmates?

 

[rozeske]

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I imagine being an ex-cop would make things harder than they already would be? I hope you find what it is you search for.

 

[madwoman]

Sending so much love to you. I am thankful for you already and I'm glad you found this site so you can feel less alone and can vent and use this site for whatever is helpful to you. I'm so sorry for your pain and your situation. I am an anxious person and was always grateful for nice cops whenever I had an encounter with one and feel so much empathy towards them and grateful for all they do. To be in so much pain and want to help others speaks so much to your heart and character and that is an amazing legacy. Don't forget you can also lean on us and ask us for help too

 

[fadedghost]

Iv been struggling to find a way to tell my story to you all and figured I might just start with a hello instead. Hi, I'm COP2CON. I am between 35 and 40, a male, and located at a maximum security facility with the department of corrections in my state. I have to be vague about my info because I am using a contraband device with contraband WiFi to access the internet. It could net me 5 more years which I don't care about but I would be severely beaten if I was found out. I'm in a very bad prison in a very bad state to be in prison. I'm serving a life sentence with the possibility of parole for murder. In my state , that is actually life without parole as they release pretty much nobody in my position. I was a cop for some years and was active duty upon my arrest. No, I did not shoot a person of color before anyone asks.....its always the first question. I became a cop to help people and was a favorite in my communities. I was nice and fair and tried to let everyone go and just overall the exact cop you would want to meet. I had no complaints and the state couldn't even find anyone I dealt with who had something bad to say about me. I saw things people should never see, felt things that shouldn't be felt, I have more nightmare fuel. I am not ready to talk about what let me here but it was a series of bad decisions followed by a tragic accident.

I found this forum and wanted to do some research as my life is beyond salvageable. I figured while I'm here maybe I can say some of the things that people never said to me and maybe give someone that little bit of niceness and understanding they need. I respect everyones decision but want nobody to "CTB". I know that makes me hypocritical as I'm looking to leave but take it from me, I would give anything for the opportunity to look for a real friend or just generally someone who loves me. I used to cut and attempted to OD once on like 30000mg of mood stabilizers ( I know I was dumb). I have been hospitalized twice at mental hospitals and have struggled daily and nearly ever minute of my life with suicide since I was 10 years old. I know what many of you are feeling and just know I wish I could comfort you all and that I'm sorry for your pain. I will write more detailed stuff later but this is good for now. Also, I can only get on for a certain amount every day before things have to be hid from the CO's so I may not be able to respond. Future plans are to give an educational look at what happens after you die from a law enforcement perspective in the US atleast and purging myself of some of this awfulness as well as researching the few methods available to me. Anyways, hello and I look forward to maybe helping some of you.

hi i am sorry life is so terrible right now

committing suicide while locked up is much, much harder to do and much, much riskier

it could be worse: you could be in a mental hospital with a definite sentence of life, which would make it even harder to commit suicide

people are who they are and do what they do. there is no scientific evidence of free-will and all the data and experiments show that brains are just complex biological computers that use chemical messengers for their circuitry. unlike computers, which are fast but only involve gated two dimensional channels, biological computations have three dimensions to their signaling and are comparably slower in some ways but also have more complexity and power because of their three dimensional state. there is nothing suggesting things could somehow be different: nothing indicates that if you took two identical brains and gave them the same sensory input that they would reach different conclusions because one is good and one is evil or because of choice or because of a soul. instead, the data shows that brains are like a math problem that is too complex to solve but still has a deterministic start and end point when measuring brain states and input and outputs. much like putting on a movie and there's a start and there's an end, there's no choice, just a sequence that can't be entirely predicted easily because of complexity

i've experienced great extreme suffering in my life. i believe people can't really understand the extent of how evil and deplorable people are until they have experienced great suffering at the hands of other humans. at this point, i am guessing you have experienced that suffering, but i don't know

one of the most cruel aspects of society is how people inflict suffering on criminals and other undesirables for some higher purposes, when really no one has a choice in what they do or who they become. many people who end up in the criminal justice system were exposed to drugs or alcohol prior to being born, and that includes drugs like caffeine and nicotine which, although legal, damage fetuses. instead of deciding that deterrence is an understandable goal of society but arbitrary cruelty is not, society and the people involved in the system end up becoming mired in sadism towards those in prison. and of course, none of these sadistic people who inflict cruelty on those locked up have a choice in their sadism either. their unscientific and religious minds require their ignorance. the most religious types in government who are also sadists and hypocrites also have no choice but to be that way

are there methods that are possibly available to you while there?

 

[madameviolette]

I'm not sure to understand. You killed someone and you're in jail ?

 

[android]

What did it feel like to do it? Liberating or haunting? Do you have memories or think back to it?

 

[Jjabrams5095]

I'm not sure to understand. You killed someone and you're in jail ?

Looks like it.
I hate police so I might be biased.
But I don't feel sorry for them.
They're literal psychos, paid ted bundys.
They're literal job is to put people in the position he's in right now, he didn't feel bad for anyone else whose life he mightve ruined.
For bs like weed or dumb pranks, some stupid traffic violation, or disrespecting their ego.
If they charged a cop with murder you know it was bad.
I literally saw a cop shoot a 14 year old kid with a toy gun that was just running for his life.
The cop wad not charged.
And there's more similar situations.
Like the guy that shot a dad on the ground begging for his life who had not committed any crime.
Cops never get charged..Most that happens is they lose their jobs.
I wouldn't feel sorry for this guy.
He's trying to appeal to the same people he would condemn, put in jail, mentally torture, and even kill.
Cops are psychos.
Finally one held to the standard they enforce, and now they're sad.
Whatever.

 

[urgent]

Iv been struggling to find a way to tell my story to you all and figured I might just start with a hello instead. Hi, I'm COP2CON. I am between 35 and 40, a male, and located at a maximum security facility with the department of corrections in my state. I have to be vague about my info because I am using a contraband device with contraband WiFi to access the internet. It could net me 5 more years which I don't care about but I would be severely beaten if I was found out. I'm in a very bad prison in a very bad state to be in prison. I'm serving a life sentence with the possibility of parole for murder. In my state , that is actually life without parole as they release pretty much nobody in my position. I was a cop for some years and was active duty upon my arrest. No, I did not shoot a person of color before anyone asks.....its always the first question. I became a cop to help people and was a favorite in my communities. I was nice and fair and tried to let everyone go and just overall the exact cop you would want to meet. I had no complaints and the state couldn't even find anyone I dealt with who had something bad to say about me. I saw things people should never see, felt things that shouldn't be felt, I have more nightmare fuel. I am not ready to talk about what let me here but it was a series of bad decisions followed by a tragic accident.

I found this forum and wanted to do some research as my life is beyond salvageable. I figured while I'm here maybe I can say some of the things that people never said to me and maybe give someone that little bit of niceness and understanding they need. I respect everyones decision but want nobody to "CTB". I know that makes me hypocritical as I'm looking to leave but take it from me, I would give anything for the opportunity to look for a real friend or just generally someone who loves me. I used to cut and attempted to OD once on like 30000mg of mood stabilizers ( I know I was dumb). I have been hospitalized twice at mental hospitals and have struggled daily and nearly ever minute of my life with suicide since I was 10 years old. I know what many of you are feeling and just know I wish I could comfort you all and that I'm sorry for your pain. I will write more detailed stuff later but this is good for now. Also, I can only get on for a certain amount every day before things have to be hid from the CO's so I may not be able to respond. Future plans are to give an educational look at what happens after you die from a law enforcement perspective in the US atleast and purging myself of some of this awfulness as well as researching the few methods available to me. Anyways, hello and I look forward to maybe helping some of you.

I understand wanting to help others. I always helped everyone. Now I wish I had someone or something to help me. I've been in pain a long time but I was able to deal with trying, doctors,meds,epidurals, tried every thing. I was able to be loving, productive, do everything to care for myself and others including pets and pet rescue. I enjoyed staying on top of everything, work, cleaning, cooking, planning events, socializing, etc. I became unable to work. On disability, made me embarrassed if someone asked me what I did. So lost work friends and started disliking myself for not being able to earn money. Still had a good life. Little by little cleaning, cooking, driving, taking care of people and things got more difficult. I used to be proud,capable, the one everyone came to for everything because they called me smart, strong, dependable. I needed to keep on top of things and stay organized, useful, busy to not get overwhelmed. I was a neat freak too. So anyone could call or come by unexpectedly. Little by little pain, anxiety, embarrassment caused me to avoid, isolate,make excuses, hide. I'm in too much pain to try to explain but 13 years later I'm not capable of doing anything. I spend my energy in agony hoping to end it asap but I need the least painful way of doing it and someone to make sure I die without interference. Ideally, I know it's impossible, but someone would have compassion and take me somewhere, help me do it and dispose of me without it coming back on someone I know. I would think as a former cop if you were on the outside you would be able to do that for yourself. I don't know how. I hope you get some comfort out of helping others with your posts.When I saw cop I immediately thought, why is he here,couldn't he find an easy way out, doesn't he have access to fentanyl or something? Then I read your story. I still have hope for you. I have hope for everyone but me! If I knew I would end up like this I would have traveled to end it. I wish it was legal to have a Dr come give me an injection or the medical cocktail right now! I could do that for a pet but I have to suffer. Even if I had N,SN, the meds I'd need someone to clean up. Where are the people who used to come help you with helium and clean up after? I'm sure wealthy people have access to a way out of this pain. I must sound delusional. I'm not, just desperate to be out of this tortured existence. I know it's possible. I wish I could help you and all of us suffering. Peace ✌ and hugs.

 

[madameviolette]

Looks like it.
I hate police so I might be biased.
But I don't feel sorry for them.
They're literal psychos, paid ted bundys.
They're literal job is to put people in the position he's in right now, he didn't feel bad for anyone else whose life he mightve ruined.
For bs like weed or dumb pranks, some stupid traffic violation, or disrespecting their ego.
If they charged a cop with murder you know it was bad.
I literally saw a cop shoot a 14 year old kid with a toy gun that was just running for his life.
The cop wad not charged.
And there's more similar situations.
Like the guy that shot a dad on the ground begging for his life who had not committed any crime.
Cops never get charged..Most that happens is they lose their jobs.
I wouldn't feel sorry for this guy.
He's trying to appeal to the same people he would condemn, put in jail, mentally torture, and even kill.
Cops are psychos.
Finally one held to the standard they enforce, and now they're sad.
Whatever.

Oh okay thank you I thought I misunderstood. I find it wild to even have prisoners here

 

[Jjabrams5095]

Oh okay thank you I thought I misunderstood. I find it wild to even have prisoners here

Yeah, but what I said is simply a reaction to the system itself and not this specific person.
As for the person themselves without my biased worldview on police, he sounds like a good person in an awful situation
But then again I have no idea what happened in this case.
Whatever happened, I still wish him peace.
He's a human who just wants a friend.
That's not someone evil.
I don't think anyone deserves to be locked in a cage.
I find it more cruel than death.
If the author reads this.
Please forgive my earlier cruel statements.
You have enough going on, you do not deserve any more pain.
I'm not going to act like the system..with prejudice.
I dislike cops because they enforce the bogus system.
But I think now more than anything, you'd be more likely to agree with me, having seen both sides.
Again please accept my apologies for the rude and condescending words.

 

[COP2CON]

hi i am sorry life is so terrible right now

committing suicide while locked up is much, much harder to do and much, much riskier

it could be worse: you could be in a mental hospital with a definite sentence of life, which would make it even harder to commit suicide

people are who they are and do what they do. there is no scientific evidence of free-will and all the data and experiments show that brains are just complex biological computers that use chemical messengers for their circuitry. unlike computers, which are fast but only involve gated two dimensional channels, biological computations have three dimensions to their signaling and are comparably slower in some ways but also have more complexity and power because of their three dimensional state. there is nothing suggesting things could somehow be different: nothing indicates that if you took two identical brains and gave them the same sensory input that they would reach different conclusions because one is good and one is evil or because of choice or because of a soul. instead, the data shows that brains are like a math problem that is too complex to solve but still has a deterministic start and end point when measuring brain states and input and outputs. much like putting on a movie and there's a start and there's an end, there's no choice, just a sequence that can't be entirely predicted easily because of complexity

i've experienced great extreme suffering in my life. i believe people can't really understand the extent of how evil and deplorable people are until they have experienced great suffering at the hands of other humans. at this point, i am guessing you have experienced that suffering, but i don't know

one of the most cruel aspects of society is how people inflict suffering on criminals and other undesirables for some higher purposes, when really no one has a choice in what they do or who they become. many people who end up in the criminal justice system were exposed to drugs or alcohol prior to being born, and that includes drugs like caffeine and nicotine which, although legal, damage fetuses. instead of deciding that deterrence is an understandable goal of society but arbitrary cruelty is not, society and the people involved in the system end up becoming mired in sadism towards those in prison. and of course, none of these sadistic people who inflict cruelty on those locked up have a choice in their sadism either. their unscientific and religious minds require their ignorance. the most religious types in government who are also sadists and hypocrites also have no choice but to be that way

are there methods that are possibly available to you while there?

I appreciate it. Life sucks but eh, what are ya gonna do about it? There are many ways to do it in here. They actually encourage us to either kill ourselves or each other.

I'm not sure to understand. You killed someone and you're in jail ?

In prison now. In my state, jail is the 5 star Hilton you get to stay in before coming to prison.

What did it feel like to do it? Liberating or haunting? Do you have memories or think back to it?

I think about it every day. No one should have died and no reason was worth it enough for any of this. I didn't see the victim die and they were alive when I was arrested. Died in surgery like 2 hours later.

Looks like it.
I hate police so I might be biased.
But I don't feel sorry for them.
They're literal psychos, paid ted bundys.
They're literal job is to put people in the position he's in right now, he didn't feel bad for anyone else whose life he mightve ruined.
For bs like weed or dumb pranks, some stupid traffic violation, or disrespecting their ego.
If they charged a cop with murder you know it was bad.
I literally saw a cop shoot a 14 year old kid with a toy gun that was just running for his life.
The cop wad not charged.
And there's more similar situations.
Like the guy that shot a dad on the ground begging for his life who had not committed any crime.
Cops never get charged..Most that happens is they lose their jobs.
I wouldn't feel sorry for this guy.
He's trying to appeal to the same people he would condemn, put in jail, mentally torture, and even kill.
Cops are psychos.
Finally one held to the standard they enforce, and now they're sad.
Whatever.

Glad to see you know all about me. Sorry for whatever a cop did to you in the past but it wasn't me. I did none of that. I had a mental break for a very specific reason against a very specific person. In my entire career I had ZERO complaints. Never shot anybody. Never even punched anyone even though many people fought to hurt me. Don't pretend you know, or take it out on me. I'm not looking for sympathy, just thought it would bee cool to connect with some people.

I'm so glad you wrote this cuz I too saw the BS and manipulation a mile away.

Even PURE TRASH like Chauvin didn't get 30+ years or a life sentence so I am ABSOLUTELY sure that if a group of peers from the cop's own community and / or one judge who I'll label "an insider" to the system, if they all convicted you and gave you such a strong sentence they TOO saw you as worthless trash 1000% deserving of EVERY MINUTE of your sentence.

Cops always love to paint themselves as these perfect harmless individuals but it takes a shitload of work to land oneself in this position especially being a member of the "blue club". So NO, not convinced one bit...

Providing useful information no one else has access to is a way to disarm peoples defenses since one is doing so under the guise of being a helpful and "wronged" individual

I call bullshit here....


Edited to be more polite than I really want to be only out of respect for SaSu.

I called 911 on myself and fully cooperated. I was made an example of, the DA told my lawyers that. I don't care if you believe me.I gave my information and wanted to say hello as well. If you don't like it, you can move on. I'm not using or manipulting anyone, just looking for something to do until ultimately I lose internet access.
For the obvious doubters, I'm not going to be baited into revealing where I am so you can contact my DOC. They will take me into a special office, strip me naked, and beat the ever loving hell out of me. I'm sorry you were wronged by cops before or saw this or that on YouTube or tik tok. I know its hard to believe but not everyone is bad. Currently I'm using a jail broken device and using mobile hotspot from someone's cell phone. This kind of set uo is extremely common here. Hell, the unit beside me has a MiFi box they drone dropped in. I generally use most of that time here now trying to help others and preparing messages during the day for when I get on later. Law enforcement is a job, some are bad, some are not. I just thought maybe some people would have questions and maybe I could answer.

 

[COP2CON]

I understand wanting to help others. I always helped everyone. Now I wish I had someone or something to help me. I've been in pain a long time but I was able to deal with trying, doctors,meds,epidurals, tried every thing. I was able to be loving, productive, do everything to care for myself and others including pets and pet rescue. I enjoyed staying on top of everything, work, cleaning, cooking, planning events, socializing, etc. I became unable to work. On disability, made me embarrassed if someone asked me what I did. So lost work friends and started disliking myself for not being able to earn money. Still had a good life. Little by little cleaning, cooking, driving, taking care of people and things got more difficult. I used to be proud,capable, the one everyone came to for everything because they called me smart, strong, dependable. I needed to keep on top of things and stay organized, useful, busy to not get overwhelmed. I was a neat freak too. So anyone could call or come by unexpectedly. Little by little pain, anxiety, embarrassment caused me to avoid, isolate,make excuses, hide. I'm in too much pain to try to explain but 13 years later I'm not capable of doing anything. I spend my energy in agony hoping to end it asap but I need the least painful way of doing it and someone to make sure I die without interference. Ideally, I know it's impossible, but someone would have compassion and take me somewhere, help me do it and dispose of me without it coming back on someone I know. I would think as a former cop if you were on the outside you would be able to do that for yourself. I don't know how. I hope you get some comfort out of helping others with your posts.When I saw cop I immediately thought, why is he here,couldn't he find an easy way out, doesn't he have access to fentanyl or something? Then I read your story. I still have hope for you. I have hope for everyone but me! If I knew I would end up like this I would have traveled to end it. I wish it was legal to have a Dr come give me an injection or the medical cocktail right now! I could do that for a pet but I have to suffer. Even if I had N,SN, the meds I'd need someone to clean up. Where are the people who used to come help you with helium and clean up after? I'm sure wealthy people have access to a way out of this pain. I must sound delusional. I'm not, just desperate to be out of this tortured existence. I know it's possible. I wish I could help you and all of us suffering. Peace ✌ and hugs.

Your not broken, you are reacting to facts and circumstances and you are handling it the way your brain tells you to. I have never believed there is a right or wrong way to feel. I'm sorry your struggling and for your pain. There are many good people here and good advice one way or the other. As for clean up, if its messy and at a house, Servpro usually was hired. Messy and outside, we just used the hose from the fire truck. Stay strong my friend.

 

[fadedghost]

I called 911 on myself and fully cooperated. I was made an example of, the DA told my lawyers that. I don't care if you believe me.I gave my information and wanted to say hello as well. If you don't like it, you can move on. I'm not using or manipulting anyone, just looking for something to do until ultimately I lose internet access.
For the obvious doubters, I'm not going to be baited into revealing where I am so you can contact my DOC. They will take me into a special office, strip me naked, and beat the ever loving hell out of me. I'm sorry you were wronged by cops before or saw this or that on YouTube or tik tok. I know its hard to believe but not everyone is bad. Currently I'm using a jail broken device and using mobile hotspot from someone's cell phone. This kind of set uo is extremely common here. Hell, the unit beside me has a MiFi box they drone dropped in. I generally use most of that time here now trying to help others and preparing messages during the day for when I get on later. Law enforcement is a job, some are bad, some are not. I just thought maybe some people would have questions and maybe I could answer.

To some extent, I believe you. I do believe that good people become cops and treat people nicely. People also sometimes have psychotic breaks and some states treat such breaks differently from other states. I think it's entirely possible you were very nice in your work and had a psychotic break or some other break or issue and we don't know what happened. For example, I don't know your case, but when men catch their partner cheating, extraordinary anger and sometimes violence and death are the result. Although I am not condoning when that happens, there is a biological reaction that happens that makes people angry when someone has lied to them consistently, been unfaithful, and deceived them. I am not trying to get you to tell us what happened. It also wouldn't surprise me if you had depression issues growing up, became a cop and the stress was overwhelming, and developed mental health issues and what occurred was in large part because of that. I don't know what happened, just guessing.

I know one of the complex aspects to law enforcement and society is that corrupt cops do exist, and usually decent cops don't turn them in. Like, you mentioned being beaten by people working at the jail if you were to get in trouble. That's not supposed to happen. And it does... because the nice guards there won't report it... So some of the reaction you may be getting is from people who feel like there can't be good cops anymore because they all actively cover for the corruption of the unethical cops. I think another complex aspect to police these days is that everything costs so much and the upper classes of society have so much compared to the bottom classes that cops seem less like enforcers of fair rules these days and more like people who oppress the poor, who often get into trouble, including drug use and alcohol use, because poverty and affordability makes life so hard.

I am not trying to be critical of you. I am sure you are incredibly unhappy. You are here, among us. I don't believe anyone needs to take you down a peg. I think it was bad you cooperated, but what is done is done. I also hate the term manipulating because literally everyone manipulates things to get what they want. Manipulation just means controlling the situation but with this extra added emotion of somehow it's bad. It's a favorite word of police and people in law enforcement and it's so obnoxious because of how arbitrary it is. Is there a difference between a skillful legal defense and manipulation of the system? The difference depends on who wins. It's just arbitrary language to make people feel even worse about terrible predicaments and it's intellectually dishonest and meaningless.

I am surprised you think it will be so easy to kill yourself in prison. I think there would be a real risk of being revived, including with brain damage.

 

[urgent]

Your not broken, you are reacting to facts and circumstances and you are handling it the way your brain tells you to. I have never believed there is a right or wrong way to feel. I'm sorry your struggling and for your pain. There are many good people here and good advice one way or the other. As for clean up, if its messy and at a house, Servpro usually was hired. Messy and outside, we just used the hose from the fire truck. Stay strong my friend.

Thanks. Funny you mention Servpro.I don't want anyone who cares about me to find me or suffer.I definitely don't want to do it at home not as much the clean up but I feel so guilty. I always thought I'll probably die like my parents did, in a hospital. My family and friends wouldn't be shocked if I died in an accident or cancer. To take my life would be viewed as selfish, shameful as opposed to people saying their sorry and a normal reaction my close knit community would be whispering I wouldn't do that to my family, going to he'll, crazy. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want it to reflect on anyone I love, or leave them thinking they could have done something. I know those I knew who did it I felt sorry for them and their family. I thought I wish I knew I would have tried to help. I don't want to hurt anyone or bring attention to such a negative thing. I don't want to go because of anything or anyone. I just can't take this pain. I want it to be fast,quiet,no funeral. No news or obituary. No one thinking I sinned or someone abused me. I've always put myself in other people's places before I made decisions.I don't want anyone to feel like I didn't care or love them. I've always said I don't want anyone picking out clothes, saying prayers,sending flowers. I want to be cremated and I don't care if they keep me or spread me in the ocean. I simply want out of this agony. It doesn't mean I don't care or don't love or appreciate anyone. I can't control how someone feels. I just wish I could be kissed goodbye, without all the bad feelings. I want to drink the meds and have the death certificate say anything but suicide. Don't announce it. Just let it be in a place where the coroner takes me without a crowd of neighbors. It happened to someone on my block. They didn't live there. His father is elderly and goes to Florida for the winter. He didn't do it where he lived with his wife and kids. He went to his empty childhood home, layed in bed and shot himself in the head. I didn't hear a shot 2 houses away. Neighbors saw him and talked about his head being so damaged they didn't know if he was a man or woman, old or young. Police,all of them on duty, ambulance, detectives, our volunteer emt and fire department show,crime scene van. Everyone stays out gossiping. I grew up here. Everyone who responded I knew. Most here are Catholic, like me. I have that guilt too! Thanks for the response. I'm not being negative, just honest. I hope you have some comfort in being kind to someone in my place. I appreciate it.

 

[fadedghost]

Your not broken, you are reacting to facts and circumstances and you are handling it the way your brain tells you to. I have never believed there is a right or wrong way to feel. I'm sorry your struggling and for your pain. There are many good people here and good advice one way or the other. As for clean up, if its messy and at a house, Servpro usually was hired. Messy and outside, we just used the hose from the fire truck. Stay strong my friend.

I also want to add I am glad you are able to be here posting (although regret the circumstances) and your other post about what happens after suicide with cops and the scene is useful information.

I am most interested in how a person can easily commit suicide in prison. It seems like many such places have cells that either have 2 people or have a bed without anything to hang off of. Sometimes there are many floors of cells and someone jumps from a higher floor (this is not advice and I do not encourage you to end your life). The risk with that is of not dying. It's not that much force. I would guess the easiest way to die would be a drug overdose at night. Again, this isn't a suggestion. Perhaps "interested" is a bad choice of words but I would guess that it would be risky and hard. Many of us posting on SaSu or people just reading debate whether to end our lives and agonize in part about what happens if the attempt fails... I would guess that aspect of things would be much worse there. Perhaps cops are less fearful by nature than regular people and so it's less of a concern?

Are you out of appeals? (Don't answer that.) Have you considered helping people with legal work and their appeals since you were a former police officer? Do you fear being attacked because of being a police officer? Do you get better or worse treatment from guards than other inmates? Do you plan on dying within the next month, months, year, or years?

I believe that if a person has a life sentence, society should allow a person to choose suicide in a humane way as opposed to pain and suffering. But sadism is perhaps there by design, right?

 

[broken_stoic]

Jesus fuck that is rough. I wish we treated people serving time better . . . or better yet focused on rehabilitation and getting people back out into the world in a healthy way. No idea what to say other than stay strong my friend.

 

[RunDown]

Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

 

[fadedghost]

I appreciate it. Everything is my fault and I take responsibility but knowing I should have not been charged or sentenced this high and there's no end date sucks. The loneliness I'd the worst, EVERYONE leaves you when your in prison.

I think that everyone leaving people who are in prison just goes to show how empty almost all human relationships fundamentally are.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

AS I SAID there aren't a lot of cops who get 30years / life in America. Of all the cases there are on the internet so far NOT ONE CASE Ive found was anyone who deserved any modicum of forgiveness, leniency etc.


Here's one of those AWESOME brilliant examples of a "sweet cop".... who got thrown under the cell... Yes even THIS guy was well-loved in his community prior to this incident.



Please DON'T EVER forget this is what the blue wall is made of. This is the trash the blue wall protects. And YES, each and every one of the men on his force or that touched his IAD case is responsible for this beautiful woman's life. This guy was de-gunned several times and investigated by IAD yet he still managed to get his gun back to kill his wife...


The sad part however is the CHILDREN. And what they endured. I hope they got every dollar of the 10million dollars they sued NJ for!! This guy didn't even have the courage to tell his own kids what he did right after it happened!!

Spoiler: examples of a beautiful human being 🙄/ that just happens to be a cop

Notice at 1:08 his beautiful 7 yr old daughter is running from the scene. She was INSIDE the cop's car while chasing the ex-wife just before he jumped out and shot his ex-wife like an ordinary criminal on the street.

https://www.gannett-cdn.com/-mm-/05d15c506278ba0bbeaa8b2f125e2f00db841cf5/c=0-133-1600-2266/local/-/media/2015/06/22/NJGroup/AsburyPark/635705824567983266-SEIDELFUNERAL0622B.jpg?width=1588

Town mourns mother of 9 slain by cop ex-husband

Child, 7, was in father's car and witnessed shooting death of mother.

eu.usatoday.com

Philip Seidle, ex-Neptune cop, loses bid to retract guilty plea in ex-wife's brazen killing

A judge rejected Philip Seidle's claims that his attorney gave him bad advice to plead guilty in his wife's killing.

eu.app.com

Suit filed by children of Neptune cop who killed his ex-wife can move forward, judge rules

Philip Seidle, 53, has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for the killing of Tamara Wilson-Seidle.

www.nj.com

phillip-seidle - nj.com

Articles with the phillip-seidle tag

www.nj.com

Even if its not EXACTLY you, its another representation of you and the Blue Wall you were once a member of, the blue wall you protected...And someone like this certainly DESERVES to be abandoned in jail. **unpopular opinion**