Friendship, relationship, family issues peer support mega thread

[rainwillneverstop]

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) issues regarding to friendships, relationships and family issues can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support.

Feeling suicidal can make relationships of all kinds hard, and also trauma from relationships can contribute to suicidal feelings in the first place. Then throw into the mix personality disorders, neurodivergence or social anxiety which can just make maintaining healthy relationships difficult in general.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

Over time staff will also endeavour to link some resources which might help with boundaries and recognising red flags, but keep in mind there is also a thread dedicated to support for people living through effects of current or historical abuse.

 

[sashaisalone]

Is this meant more so for linear back and forth discussion, or should we also be linking our own posts/threads that are pertinent to this topic if we feel it might be helpful for others to read?

 

[Argo]

Sure, I have a vent that contributes to my suicidal feelings related to relationships. Thank you for starting this thread. Here goes:

I hate how vindictive and self absorbed the world is. The "social" world that we tend to feel so left out of, want so badly to be a part of. Yet these are the sorts of assholes who post on reddit shaming people, or exclude and gossip and smear people in social circles. Why would I want to be accepted by most of humanity who have zero self awareness, judge others, yet fail to realize what utter pieces of shit they are themselves?

I was just browsing reddit and someone posted a picture of a lady in my neighborhood who doesnt pick up her dogs poop. She was smug about it, allegedly(according to the photographer), saying "It's poop" and refused to pick it up. The sane and good thing to do here as a model citizen is apparently to take a photo of this person, doxxing them, and begin the process of destroying their lives via reputation destruction. That'll teach them. That's what they deserve...

after what? After having a hard enough life that they just didn't learn how to do trivially decent things towards other members of society? Now you'll really show them by putting their face on the internet, for tens of thousands of their neighbors to see, where they will be damned and reviled and rejected. Sorry but if you do this, if you react this way to people in the world, you're part of the fucking problem and you fucking disgust me to my core.

There we go. Ahhhh.... that helped a little bit.

 

[ThatsAllFolks2218]

I'm currently suffering at the moment and it has escalated again. I thought I heard my friend saying he was stepping back from the friendship while ranting to chat gbt. Since we live together he has been dealing with me for a year. I texted him back to back and shit I can't remember that last time I did something like that. He hasn't replied or said anything
I feel I was just starting to feel somewhat secure in our friendship but we'll look at that I am acting insecure again.
I know he has been going through a issue regarding this best friend and FWB he has known for 4 years . He told me he has viewed them romantically since he met them. However the issue with this person he is infatuated with is that he has SA allegations. From what my friend told me, this guy was sexually assaulted in his youth. He didn't know that having sex with others while in their sleep without their permission counted as SA. As someone who has been a DV survivor ( and yes that does include rape) I worry for him. Especially because this guy he has feelings for also did this to my friend, but my friend doesn't view it as such. Although the SA dude is working on himself, going through therapy and finding employment, there are times where the SA guy has treated my friend, and I'm going to put it bluntly, like shit. I finally told someone who is mutual with us and that is when my insecurity has been on the rise.
There is also the factor I keep remembering how my friend has treated me a little bit before and after I moved here. Passive aggressive behavior, being rude to me one on one , being rude to me in front of his friends, his best friend being rude to me while my friend says nothing, talking behind my back, making assumptions about me etc. I have felt conflicted a lot. I have tried to see from his perspective from the times I affected him, I try to not say anything, I talk with my therapist about it, I try to go to advice forums.
So I'm sitting here currently, not at work, not doing homework. And all I keep thinking is how I keep fucking up, like a lot. I am no contact with my mom and her side of the family except for my sibling. I feel this sense I need family and friends and more people in my life. I wished the family I was given did more mental health work, got my tested for autism and worked just a little harder on me and my sister in a gentle parenting sense. Maybe I wouldnt have developed BPD and PTSD. Every time I heard my friend talk about his family, how they help one another, how they have get togethers, how although I don't like his dad because of the things my friend told me about him, at least he was able to work on himself. I felt happy for him he was able to spend time with his family, but I cant help the feeling I wished I had that from my family. My mom doesn't even know I am a trans man, either does her side of the family not my absent dad and his side. It honestly makes me feel I have the concept of family on paper. It not one that felt like one. Relationships are not even a thing for me. Last relationship I had was 10 years ago and it feels.harrowing to think about. It took a while for not to feel weird around having sex with others due to him raping and pressuring me into sex more than a few times. Including the day of returning home from ovarian surgery. I still feel that weirdness but it's less if that makes sense. I feel even before than, I have been broken up with more than me doing the breaking up. I think there was only one relationship where I did. Unlike my friend who I know will find someone that actually respects him, I on the other hand I know I'm going to die alone. My sibling I could see getting married.
I know my mom and my sibling on more than one occasion have always worried about my mental health. Anyone else not family they just go like " This is too much" " This is toxic" and they leave. They feel watched or smothered, etc.

I feel it would be better if I did CTB, because I don't want to go through this cycle for another 31 years. I'm tired of going to inpatient and doctors testing me like an inconvenience. I'm tired of taking meds, and going through the same thing in therapy over and over again. I'm just tired of pretending like I want to stay just so they won't feel sad or stressed. I'm tired of feeling abandonment issues or feeling insecure.

I just everything would stop.

 

[ThatsAllFolks2218]

I'm currently suffering at the moment and it has escalated again. I thought I heard my friend saying he was stepping back from the friendship while ranting to chat gbt. Since we live together he has been dealing with me for a year. I texted him back to back and shit I can't remember that last time I did something like that. He hasn't replied or said anything
I feel I was just starting to feel somewhat secure in our friendship but we'll look at that I am acting insecure again.
I know he has been going through a issue regarding this best friend and FWB he has known for 4 years . He told me he has viewed them romantically since he met them. However the issue with this person he is infatuated with is that he has SA allegations. From what my friend told me, this guy was sexually assaulted in his youth. He didn't know that having sex with others while in their sleep without their permission counted as SA. As someone who has been a DV survivor ( and yes that does include rape) I worry for him. Especially because this guy he has feelings for also did this to my friend, but my friend doesn't view it as such. Although the SA dude is working on himself, going through therapy and finding employment, there are times where the SA guy has treated my friend, and I'm going to put it bluntly, like shit. I finally told someone who is mutual with us and that is when my insecurity has been on the rise.
There is also the factor I keep remembering how my friend has treated me a little bit before and after I moved here. Passive aggressive behavior, being rude to me one on one , being rude to me in front of his friends, his best friend being rude to me while my friend says nothing, talking behind my back, making assumptions about me etc. I have felt conflicted a lot. I have tried to see from his perspective from the times I affected him, I try to not say anything, I talk with my therapist about it, I try to go to advice forums.
So I'm sitting here currently, not at work, not doing homework. And all I keep thinking is how I keep fucking up, like a lot. I am no contact with my mom and her side of the family except for my sibling. I feel this sense I need family and friends and more people in my life. I wished the family I was given did more mental health work, got my tested for autism and worked just a little harder on me and my sister in a gentle parenting sense. Maybe I wouldnt have developed BPD and PTSD. Every time I heard my friend talk about his family, how they help one another, how they have get togethers, how although I don't like his dad because of the things my friend told me about him, at least he was able to work on himself. I felt happy for him he was able to spend time with his family, but I cant help the feeling I wished I had that from my family. My mom doesn't even know I am a trans man, either does her side of the family not my absent dad and his side. It honestly makes me feel I have the concept of family on paper. It not one that felt like one. Relationships are not even a thing for me. Last relationship I had was 10 years ago and it feels.harrowing to think about. It took a while for not to feel weird around having sex with others due to him raping and pressuring me into sex more than a few times. Including the day of returning home from ovarian surgery. I still feel that weirdness but it's less if that makes sense. I feel even before than, I have been broken up with more than me doing the breaking up. I think there was only one relationship where I did. Unlike my friend who I know will find someone that actually respects him, I on the other hand I know I'm going to die alone. My sibling I could see getting married.
I know my mom and my sibling on more than one occasion have always worried about my mental health. Anyone else not family they just go like " This is too much" " This is toxic" and they leave. They feel watched or smothered, etc.

I feel it would be better if I did CTB, because I don't want to go through this cycle for another 31 years. I'm tired of going to inpatient and doctors testing me like an inconvenience. I'm tired of taking meds, and going through the same thing in therapy over and over again. I'm just tired of pretending like I want to stay just so they won't feel sad or stressed. I'm tired of feeling abandonment issues or feeling insecure.

I just everything would stop.

I feel I may have gone off topic of the purpose/topic of the thread.

 

[blepblep]

How do I explain to my partner what being depressed is like? We fight a lot about chores. I have no energy.

 

[ThatsAllFolks2218]

How do I explain to my partner what being depressed is like? We fight a lot about chores. I have no energy.

I have a trouble describing things, so take this as you may this is is how I describe it : Imagine this lingering feeling like things feel pointless, everything feels energy consuming, so you feel numb. You know you should shower, take care of chores, finish homework etc but the only thought that comes to you is " why"? This feeling becomes worse, because now it targets your failure to do the things you know you need to do. Same principle with hobbies and communication with love ones. The feeling of why bother, with the feeling of realistic reality makes things pessimistic.
Here are examples
I know I need to eat ---> Why should I bother it's only going to give me short dopamine fix
I know I should do chores---> The feeling I can't do chores makes me even more numb then you have that inner critic in you
I know I need to control my eating ----> What's the point I'm never going to lose weight
I know I need to do xyz for mental health ----> What's the point? Every attempt I've made in still where I am currently

And even when you try to cheer up, the stark reminder that everything is temporary and the hyper realistic thinking.
Seeing a beautiful butterfly while outside on a sunny day ---> Butterflies are going extinct and they will die off and the Earth will not last either being engulfed by the sun or environmental factors.

Hope this helps

 

[Argo]

How do I explain to my partner what being depressed is like? We fight a lot about chores. I have no energy.

The best way to get others to understand us better is to stop thinking about ourselves and understand others better. Whether or not we have the energy to do this is another question, that's not in our control often times. I've had 20 years of severe depression with bouts of extreme suicidality and planning methods, getting very close at certain times. Other times I've had bouts of intense recovery mindset, and everything in between. The best experiences that have brought me closer to understanding is when I stopped being self-absorbed and focused only on the other person. What is their mind like? How are they operating? This is almost impossible for the average person to do without getting self-absorbed or self-interested or looping into some egocentric narrative that reduces to "me me me", but... it's still the way I've found actually works so I'm going to share.

Here's a story that captures this. I had 3 therapists at one point recently after my closest brush with ending myself to date. People tell you to screen your therapists, how it needs to be a good fit for you, blah blah blah(more narcissistic cultural horse shit about how you are the movie star of your reality). I had this one guy who was the worst of the 3. He'd never fucking listen. He'd just talk at me the whole time. I sunk into the standard human monkey brain ego nonsense of "This guy sucks, I'm the one who is right here, blah blah blah". Then it occurred to me. What if I just listened instead? What if I dropped my ego and paid attention to this person? I started to adopt the mindset that I wasn't actually the patient, but I was the therapist, and he was the patient. I began deep listening to my therapist as a suicidally depressed patient. Do you know what happened?

He got better. He started to get it. He loved me as a patient. I taught him so much without him knowing. I gave it a chance even when it sucked and most people would just blame "the other". This is what happens when you can drop your ego and just listen with good intention. I'm not saying I'm always like this, I am self absorbed 90% of the day. But if you can pull this type of thing off, then yeah that's basically the only real solution to your question with your partner. You "explaining" things to people doesn't do shit. You can explain all day long, words won't work in this world. In fact they make things worse often times. Stop explaining, that's not it. Instead use actions to show people. Stop fighting. If you have no energy, then how do you have the energy to fight? Isn't that interesting? Now, you and I both know it's likely because you see threats around you, threats to yourself, threats to losing your partner, this gives you a kind of "last stand" sort of occasional fighting spirit, and this is basically all of this monkey brained "me me me" stuff I'm talking about. But to your partner, do you know what this looks/sounds like? (Assuming you're female or a bottom in your relationship based on your tone, pardon if it's a wrong assumption)

"This bitch is just lazy/manipulative. Says she has no energy but she fights about petty shit all day"

That's how it *sounds* to your partner, in their mind, probably. Now imagine what happens when you explain more... and more... and more...

Does it help your partners confused narrative, or hurt it? Obviously it helps it, right? So the more you explain, the more you fight, the more you dig yourself deeper. If you're too depressed to even listen, then I get it, but try to do less, not more, and then from that place of rest do more of the right thing, which is really fucking hard in life. Good luck

 

[Dot]

Is this meant more so for linear back and forth discussion, or should we also be linking our own posts/threads that are pertinent to this topic if we feel it might be helpful for others to read?

Eithr or bth tbf

 

[_Gollum_]

I think I'm finally mentally starting to detach from him. Contemplating losing him no longer feels like contemplating losing a limb. And good riddance. Took me long enough. Just sucks because he's finally starting to try. Finally putting in an ounce of effort. He isn't being "good" to me, but he's being his approximation of that, which is at least better than before.

But I'm just so burnt out at this point. Just accumulated so many scars, so many wounds, none of which have had time to fully heal. He always says or does something eventually to open them all up again. The trust is gone, and I don't think it can be rebuilt. At this point I'm just waiting for the right moment to end it. I want it to stick this time. No back and forth, no passionate reunions, no getting back together. Just over forever.