Help Friend bought me a gun and thoughts are coming back

[phantomisgone]

Hey everyone,

In five days, it'll mark three years since my suicide attempt (there's more about it in my post history).

A lot has changed since then. I graduated college, got a job, and started piecing together the kind of life I thought I wanted. But honestly, I'm still not where I want to be. I'm juggling debt, bills, and the quiet ache of wanting things I can't afford yet. I don't have many friends—or really, people I talk to often. Most days, I keep to myself. The isolation feels safe, but it can also feel like living in a glass box—seeing life move around me without really being part of it.

The one constant through all of this has been a friend from high school. He's stuck by me through everything, even when I hit rock bottom. We hang out a lot—movies, dinners, random long phone calls. He's a good guy. After leaving the military, he got really into guns and has tried for years to get me into the hobby. I never really understood it until he finally convinced me to go to a shooting range. It was… surprisingly fun. Focusing, aiming, feeling that small sense of control.

A few days ago, he surprised me with a gift—a Glock 45. He was genuinely excited, said he wanted me to have a way to protect myself and share something he loves. We went to the range, practiced, learned safety and form. It was a good day. But after sitting with it for a while… I don't feel safe having it.

It's under my dresser now. Waiting there. The same way that jar of N once waited for me years ago. Back then, having it nearby made me feel "safe," like I had control over my exit if I ever wanted it. And now, I feel like I've come full circle. Another "exit ticket" just sitting there—this time disguised as a gift.

And that's what scares me most. I could never do that to him. He's the one person who's been there for me. How could I use something he gave me—something meant to protect me—as the thing that ends me? I couldn't let him carry that kind of guilt.

But now it's just there, lingering. I can't bring myself to tell him I don't feel safe with it, because I don't want to worry him. I don't know what to do. I just… need some advice.

 

[madwoman]

I listened to a little bit of the guys story that survived the jump from San Francisco bridge (don't quote me but I think his name is Kevin Hines) but he's famous and shares his story. He said that he did feel regret when he jumped and he's grateful he survived and likes helping others. But he also said how he still battles with suicidal thoughts and where they can come on really bad and he has to seek help or treatment for it & maybe he said it too but it's something that can often come up and you have to keep fighting it off and giving yourself reasons to live. My therapist also says for some people suicide might be a fleeting thought if things get really bad and for others the thoughts come easily. So that reminds me of your story - you have had suicidal thoughts, severe enough for an attempt and the fact that before you had an exit plan if needed - so because you went through that, I think it's understandable that it comes as a thought for you. But also guns are scary and when you are suicidal, even more so. My mom committed suicide with a gun (took 2 attempts about a year apart) and they've always terrified me. I didn't even want my ex to have one. Had a psychotic break in 2020 and hid the gun in a hole outside our house and so he ended locking them all away. Right now is my most serious suicide ideation since my attempt as a teen and I did consider a gun but the thought of having it terrified me. And bc I'm still holding onto hope, to hold onto it as an out would be hard to always have that scary reminder and object.

I'm glad you already realized what that would do to your friend (nor do I want you to go either) if you used it. Are you able to be open with him about your mental health? Maybe he can hold onto it since he already has one and you guys can go shooting together (forget the hobby you said for the reason he got it for you). Maybe take a gun safety class? I heard it best to store the bullets separate from the gun. In a locked box somewhere hard to get too. At least that would eliminate impulse. Maybe on the box tape a reminder note for yourself something to make you rethink? Sorry this is long.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I would just be honest with him.

Your reasoning makes sense to me. Do you want to kill yourself now? No. But if those thoughts ever do end up back in your head, you don't want to be one trigger pull away from oblivion. That's super valid! And if having it there makes you anxious, then it makes sense to get rid of it cause I guarantee that wasn't his intention with the gift.

And if you're worried about making him feel guilty or worrying him, just lead with that. Tell him you liked going shooting with him, tell him you want to go again, and tell him you just don't think you can own a gun. Tell him he shouldn't be worried about you, because you're not thinking of ending your own life, but that you just don't such an instant exit ticket around you. One thing people really underestimate in conversations is that if you're ever thinking "I want to say X but I don't want them to think Y" you can always say "Hey so X, but also I want to make it really clear not Y"! It's a really useful strat to just acknowledge the message you're worried comes across and to say "but I don't want you to think this cause it's not true." Works like a charm for me at least.

Honestly from an outsiders perspective, it's genuinely a really good sign that you're thinking this way. Being proactive about your mental health and about the stressors in your life is a great way to stay in remission from this shit. And by the way, so is thinking so strongly about your relationships with the people closest to you! It seems like you're doing good, and so if the gun is causing you trouble, I'd give it back or sell it or whatever. Cause who the hell needs another problem?

 

[Grav]

I'd say tell him the truth, warts and all. He may feel bad knowing what you're thinking but also better if you hand it over not having done anything. You can still go shoot, just have him bring it and take it home. I did the same thing with my guns years ago. It's a heavy topic but it sounds like he's able to handle it. It would also take one thing off your mind.