Discussion For those stuck here, what is your tactic for life? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

For those who feel unable to CTB in the imminent future, do you have a conscious plan for living? Are you still trying to improve your life? Is it more just a matter of treading water? Are you letting things slide or, are you on a path of deliberate self destruction?

I mostly feel like I'm treading water. I do actually have to work pretty hard just to stay afloat though. My freelance creative job is particularly precarious. It requires a lot of time and effort just to sustain. But, my ambitions to climb further in my career are largely gone. My hope to find a partner and/ or friends is largely gone. I still have a few places I'd like to visit but, it's hardly a burning desire. Most of my life is about sustaining what I have and trying to ensure things get no worse! I need to start exercising again and I have so much domestic crap to take care of soon. I've largely let that slide but, it won't be permanent.

In some ways, it's actually nice to have less ambition, less desires in life. They caused a lot of disappointment and frustration for me. So, in part I'm enjoying the relaxed approach.

How about you? While we're all stuck with life for now, what is your approach to it? Has your approach changed since becoming suicidal? Are there aspects of that view that you prefer or hate maybe? It's also kind of hard to live up to all the expectations we have placed on us when we are (likely) so unmotivated. What's your experience? Has ideation changed your approach to living?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Other.

I'm not on a path to self-destruction. I'm also not on a path of recovery (in terms of working my ass off just in the hope to recover) that won't lead to recovery bc in the end I'm dead anyway. I can survive on a low level if that's not possible anymore that would probably help me to finally push the button.

I wish I had an idea for a satisfying recovery, though.

 

[Namelesa]

Some part of me wants to recover and another part feels like there isn't any point. I do maybe want to do some things with my life but I don't know if it make me feel less awful or feel more fulfilled with life. I don't consider my suicidal thoughts to be the problem or a negative thing but my depression, anxiety and maybe suspected BPD to be the problem. Even if I do recover from these things I will eventually want to ctb when I have done all I want in life.

I am kinda forced to keep living as I am trapped by my parents (aside from maybe being able to a partial hanging) so I don't really have any choice. I go to therapy regularly but I only find it helps some what. I do try and work on the games I am developing as I would like to finish them before I die but I don't know if there's going to be a point if after death is non existence.

edit: I did choose "I'm half heartedly trying to improve my situation when I can"

 

[chaosdrifter]

i'm wandering between "I'm on an active course of self destruction", "I'm beginning to let things slide" and "I'm just trying to tread water to ensure things get no worse (or better.)"

 

[darkshadownice]

Voted "I'm beginning to let things slide". I haven't been showering every day, sleep about 10-20 minutes before work (sleep at 9-10AM, wake up at 3:35pm-3:40pm to get up and go to work), am beginning to be late to work at least by 5 minutes, and haven't gone back to college since COVID. Mental health is deteriorating more quickly recently, and every time I try to rebuild mentally, it only takes about six months for everything to come crashing down, and every time it does, I fall into a new rock bottom.
I just joined a few hours ago, since my newest low; that which happened 2 weeks prior. The gaping hole in my chest is wider than I have ever seen and could anticipate. I can't even get good sleep for the past 2 months, my circadian rhythm has been interrupted due to work so much. Sleep's just about the only real thing I enjoy anymore.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

"I'm just trying to tread water to ensure things get no worse "
I'm doing what i can, if i had no parents, i will very probably opt for CTB.
But because i'm trapped, i'm constantly thinking about how reduce the suffering during my stay here. Unfortunately, i don't find ways to do it and the help i try to get from my father when i'm talking with him, doesn't bring me hope anymore.
My father's words seem more and more empty and hollow to me as time goes on.
I have been depressed for 10years, i can't count the number of bad moments wich occurs during them. My situation went worse over the 3 last years and at the point where i am now in hell literally. I'd like to be able to recover but my mind is unable to project in something worth it. So for the moment, i Just do not know how to cope.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I picked other. I am just basically waiting for myself to stop being a lazy coward so I can proceed with my CTB plans. Until then, life goes on mostly as usual - while anhedonia has taken over me completely, I do not hate myself and I will never do any self harm like stopping self care, not eating well, etc. I do not want to make things worse for myself in case something happens to postpone my CTB for an extended period of time. I am not doing anything explicitly future-oriented though, or something that will weigh me down, e.g. I am not buying any new clothes or home improvement things etc even though I really need some. So I am basically kind of stuck "in limbo".

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Treading water. I reached the point of "done-ness", of finality in my life. There's nothing left to say.

 

[emptyshell]

I picked 4 but really its a weird mixture of options 2, 3 and 4.
Feel so up and down rn

 

[FinalVoid25]

I sit at home all day long and never had a job for more than a few weeks. I'm 22. I don't know what keeps me here besides video games and movies/anime. I'm honestly too comfortable to kill myself and too miserable to enjoy life, its so fucking ridiculous. Every day when I wake up I think about just doing it today and at around noon I realize I can't build enough courage and give up...but theres nothing really keeping me here. Its so cruel that the brain wants this hell to continue.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Neither, I'm just waiting for that window of opportunity where I can reliably ctb whilst I am also progressing through life (against my own volition) by following the path of least resistance but, honestly, even the path of least resistance is too much resistance for me to handle

 

[TAW122]

There are many options, but I selected "treading water" since that seems to be the most accurate tactic that I have. I'm certainly trying not to make things "worse" for myself as that would only incur more suffering and make an already challenging existence ever more arduous and difficult. However, I also have no inclination for recovery or improvement either. I would say that I'm just letting things far apart, but that isn't entirely true because I still try to maintain a facade and keep some semblance of appearance, not because I like or want to, but because I don't want to invite unnecessary scrutiny.

 

[yowai]

I want to improve my life even just a little but it's difficult to make any progress, I'm mostly just surviving every day instead of challenging myself

 

[pachamacha]

other
enduring minute by minute its torture each moment its overwhelming urge to smash open my skull or claw my throat apart realistically i am not mentally capable of coordinating my body to do that but the thoughts are constant i cant bare it each moment i cant bare it but im trapped and have no option to bare it as i literally am trapped

 

[Tig]

I'm on an active course of self destruction.
Having made active plans to CTB shortly, it's all just logistics now.
Hopefully I will be on my way to the "Nothing" now, never having known, the dissonance, pain, strife, the cruel suffering that is the human condition, that will come now with the living, or ever has been.

 

[TheHolySword]

I already destroyed so much of my life. There's not a lot left to ruin. Now I'm just letting everything else fall apart and decay. I'm going to ctb next year, in a few months. It doesn't matter anymore.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I just put one foot in front of the other, and hope that something will change before everything falls apart.

 

[pointblank]

I'm in a limbo. Can't purchase the chemicals because I'm living with my aunt. She'd ask about the contents and I'd be busted. She's 80. I'm hoping I can get a place all to myself or live with someone else, that way I can have the package safely shipped to me without anyone poking their nose into it.

 

[OliverTreeLver]

other

i feel almost like out of body, sometimes it is more noticeable to me. it is like i stepped out of my body but i'm looking through my eyes, watching and actively thinking of my actions as if i am not me. i don't feel like me. i feel like someone else in this body that wants to be freed but i know what that means. im scared of death. im scared of dying. im scared of what happens after. im scared of pain. i just keep walking, not stopping, never faltering, just walking. that is the best way to describe how i am stuck here. despite everything, all the pain and delusions, i just keep walking.