Discussion For those holding on for others, how long do you think you can hold on for?

[Forever Sleep]

My Dad said he may well live another 10 years on the phone the other day (he's in his late 70's.) It's kind of monstrous but I had to try to sound pleased and not horrified. I want to wait for him to go first but, I don't think I can get through another 10 years. I've already had ideation for 34 years to varying intensities. The past few years have been very intense though.

I feel like the only other option is to tell him before I go to try and explain it but, I think it would break his heart. I know I can't do that but honestly, sometimes it feels unbearable that I'm going to need to keep going.

How about you? If you are holding on for others, are there time periods you wince at? I know not all people worry about who they'll leave behind. Sometimes, they probably have good reason not to- if they have contributed to their pain. Those who struggle though, what do you tell yourself? Do you think you'll reach a stage where you can't hold on any longer?

 

[Sunset Limited]

I am here for my mother. I will do that as I can.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm in the same situation and I've had on and off ideation for 30+ years. I reached that stage once and I really wish my attempt was successful. I can't imagine doing 10+ more years of this pointlessness.

 

[SVEN]

I'll just have to try to struggle on.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My personal situation isn't the best but it's also not the worst apart from the one or other "episode". My mom is still alive and despite some general health problems she could very well live another 10 years. She's in her mid 80s now. There's also my wife who would certainly not be amused about me CTB.

 

[areyousafe??]

I've held on for years, don't think I will make it through 2025

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm here for my brother, but he's an adult with a partner and doesn't really need me. I just need to make it 5 more agonizing months for my life insurance. Even that feels like an eternity. I cannot comprehend the idea of having to live for years more for someone. I would stay another 100 years for my brother if I could but I'm at my end. It's taking everything I have just to stay these last few months. I hate myself for leaving him but he hasn't needed me for a long time, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Damn, ten years is a very long time.
I'm too selfish and far gone, I don't think I'd care if I had someone like that. And with my family in particular I honestly would want to ctb out of spite, so they could experience at least a fraction of the suffering they've induced upon me. I wish I could do it right in front of them in the most brutal and messy way possible.

 

[Gstreater]

I'm hoping I don't have to hold on for another five years since I'm suffering daily while putting on appearances.

 

[nir]

I am here for my mother. I will do that as I can.

I also am sticking around for the benefit of my parents and my brother. I also am of the mind that I'll do it as long as I can, and however and whenever that ends will be up to future me.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Grandmothers: 85, 89
Parents: 60, 61
Brothers: 26, 29, 33
Me: 35

I worry that my suicide would set off a bomb in these people's lives. But at this point I suspect there might be relief for the parents. Honestly the 33yo is worse off than I am.

 

[Trav1989]

A handful of months through a handful of years.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I also am sticking around for the benefit of my parents and my brother. I also am of the mind that I'll do it as long as I can, and however and whenever that ends will be up to future me.

I can feel you. It is getting harder day by day. Actually I am already dead from day that I decided to CTB. Everyday is a new torture.

 

[viljalauss]

my partner, the only person i would want to grow old with, makes the idea feel somewhat bearable. but my body, in its current makeup, scares me. not quite at the aging stage yet but i'll see myself sometimes and have the thought that i'm starting to gain more 'defined' "womanly" features (e.g. face, hands), and it takes me out of my body. my parents have greatly contributed to my pain, intentionally or not, and while i really don't want to see them die regardless and have genuinely had that as one of the reasons i wanted to ctb i am filled with dread every time they talk about having me around as they get older. the idea of caregiving is fine, the idea of spending prolonged time with them less so.
the thoughts of those body changes, often subtle, tend to only come one or two days a month; of my parents, a little more than every couple weeks when i have to see them; i try not to think about them otherwise, except in reflections like this. a stage where i can't hold on any longer may come, but i've spent enough time setting ctb dates within days/months of each other and will try to give myself the grace to see what i can do day by day. (the idea of years is insanely scary - and maybe that's fine.)

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

A couple days now

 

[golgappa]

I am holding for my parents but now they have someone to replace me my death will be painful but not for long I hope..I have not decided what but ik for sure I don't wanna live any longer i am tired

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

I'm also hanging out for my parents. Otherwise my suicide would have been last year probably. I'm very young ( 23) so there will still be a lot of time to pass before they go and i suppose that a method like SN would be impossible in decades. I will probably just live that tortured live that i didn't choose. Still trying to improve it each day without never been able to make a valuable change. I was already in bad shape a decade ago but thing just got worst and my medical condition today make my life atrocious. I tried to convince my parents for a long time to let me go but whatever what i say they can't understand and so i stay that sacrificial thing who suffers extremely but can't bring himself to abandon his family. I often feel anger towards them to be unable to let me do what i think is the best for me.

 

[willow115]

I'm trying for my pets. Any given day I might fail them.

 

[F@#$]

I'm trying for my pets. Any given day I might fail them.

That's where I'm at. I know nobody wants my dogs and I don't think they want to die. When they're gone I'm not far behind.

 

[CPY]

I'm at a crossroad but every direction lead to someone suffering anyway.If I do it while my parents are still alive my mother would be devastated I think she would never recover but if I do it after their death who's going to take care of my brother who is mentally challenged and has autism? This unforgiving world has me cornered

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

Sometimes my relationship is going well enough that I feel I can push through. Other times I feel like dying and wonder if it would be unethical due to the fact that my partner would probably feel bad.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I honestly don't know.

I love my partner with my whole heart. But that love, is two sided. On one hand it makes me happy. It makes being alive and trapped in life a little easier to cope with.

On the other, it infuriates me because it's just one more thing keeping me trapped here.

I'm running out of steam, especially with recent world developments. I have no access to the good methods. My choices will either be pills and booze (it's what I have). Or wait for guns to become more accessible where I am due to whose in charge now.

Or hope that I have a heart attack from my intentionally bad diet. Idk. But something is going to give at some point.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'd hold on for my brother for a few years if euthanasia was legalised as then I'd at least have control over my life and can ctb if worst come to worse. However, in a world where euthanasia isn't legalised and pro lifers are going out of their way to ban or restrict the relatively peaceful methods, I need to kill myself asap as otherwise I may not get a chance to in the future.

 

[HelloDarkness25]

I feel for you. I'm in the same boat, except that I'm doing it for my kid. They are technically adult, but I have to face few more months to years of life for their benefit (as long as I can endure - the longer the better, but at least a few more months). I hold on by the sheer willpower and tell myself that I owe them at least that much. My daily goal is to live until the bedtime, because I won't CTB if I am asleep lol. I'm terrified of thinking how much longer I have to do it, I'll be honest, so yeah it's possible I'll reach the stage where I can't hold on any longer. There are days when I have to count hours, or to set timer and give myself an order to last until that timer chimes.

'm lucky at least not to have to worry about my parents, I've been no contact with one of them and very low contact with another for decades now. My SO will be stressed, of course, but it'll settle fast enough and they'll be okay with or without me, I have no doubts about it.

I know how devastating is the thought of having to hang on for who knows how much longer. Here's to holding on against out wishes

 

[cagedSage]

Not long enough, not as long as i need.....

 

[onthefence]

I am holding on for one family member but I'm definitely nearing the end of my rope. I live somewhere very cold and am so tempted to just take off my outerwear and keep walking until I collapse. I think it will be painful for a bit but then it will just stop.