Kobusu
Writer
- Oct 18, 2021
- 268
I keep living for other people. I'm not even afraid of the pain of ctbing anymore, not afraid of how it will hurt if i fail or destroy my life or whatever, i've picked up really unhealthy habits recently that have helped me become acquainted with physical pain on a regular basis. None of that is important though, the only thing tying me to this earth is the people around me in some capacity. My friends who called my mom when i gave them their goodbye letters, my family who calls me every day and is quick to be supportive. I'm lucky, they all love me so very dearly and i love them all. Hell, if I talk to you on this site on a regular basis i have love for you too. That makes it hard, because it hurts so badly. Lately it's been worse than ever, and after having a mental breakdown in the middle of the night I don't think I have the power to look at the bright side anymore or tell myself it'll be okay or that it's all worth it and it fucking sucks because I'm still going to live as long as I can for those around me but now I have to do it without any source of comfort or warmth or freedom in any fucking capacity. Why does it hurt so badly? I don't think it'll ever go away, I think it'll just get worse and that scares me. I don't think I'm afraid of hell anymore, but I'm afraid of putting others through the hell I know so very fucking intimately.
