First Draft of my Note

[Apostle]

(To get a bit more active in preparing for my ctb, I wrote this very first draft of my note. I've looked at some other notes and related resources around here as an influence, and tried to convey all of my feelings toward my family and my reasoning for ending myself with this draft. As it's only my first try, I'm sure it can use a lot of work, and constructive feedback or opinions are appreciated. Thank you.)

Edit: To clarify, I said some very negative and disrespectful things about suicide in this message. That was to show that I understand their perspective, not that I look down on people like all of you here. It's everyone's choice. And that line should probably be changed, there's probably a better way to relate to them without it. I'm sorry for that. Definitely was something I should've thought about more, even for a first draft.

 

[Kyrok]

Thank you for sharing.

I'm curious: you may not have any desire to make your life better, but staying alive in the absence of a desire to live may be precisely what you should now do. If you don't have it in you, I understand. But if your suicide is meant, at least in part, as a way to correct for how you've lived, maybe suicide is precisely what won't correct for it.

I don't mean this to be anti-free-choice. Rather, I see a moral complexity in your note and I'm wondering about your thoughts.

 

[Apostle]

Thank you as well Kyrok, for a thought-out response and your honesty.

You raise some good points about things I said that could be clearer. I'm not the best at conveying this stuff. I would say, as far as that particular aspect of my motivation is concerned, it's less about correcting the way I live, and moreso just putting a stop to it so that the ongoing effects of my continued life will end and the people in my life can move on from me as soon as possible. I don't believe I can make things "right" in that sense, if that's how I came across. The way I see it is just, saving myself the trouble of shoving myself through a life i'm not personally invested in, and preventing further harm to others, rather than undoing it.

And don't worry, I didn't take it that way. If anything, I was the one mistakenly sounding anti-free-choice. Again, by a moral complexity, I'm guessing you mean that my goal here is to do what's "right" according to my upbringing or understanding of such things. While a concept of morals has been instilled on me, and I'm capable of things like affection and guilt, as you can take from the way I wrote the note...They are very weak, dulled senses that don't hold much power in my life. I constantly do things in defiance of my own flimsy concept of morals, without much in the way of remorse, and I'm much more driven by simple thoughts about what I want, versus what I think is morally correct. As I wrote in there, caring isn't exactly my strong suit, and I'm honestly probably being a bit generous with saying I love them as much as the note would suggest. I often say "love" when I really mean "awareness that you're what's considered a good and strong person" or "acknowledgment that you did something nice for me."

To me, that says that death is appealing to me primarily out of my own want for it, as there are plenty of self-centered reasons I have for it, even without the desire to stop hurting people, which itself is more out of reasoning than emotion. Is there a moral aspect to it? I suppose, but a small one. After all, I'm still doing plenty of harm by committing suicide, in its own way, and yet it's not enough to discourage me. Hopefully this makes a bit more sense or gives some more insight.

 

[Kyrok]

Your letter seems to convey two rationales: guilt for what you've done, lack of interest in your future.

Are they related? Will your family struggle to reconcile these elements of your message?

Maybe: you never really cared, and so out of boredom you pulled wings off flies so to speak? Now, you're just so tired of this emptiness, it is time to ctb?

I wonder as well: any anger or resentment behind the surface? Feeling perhaps that others are inauthentic?

 

[Apostle]

It is true that I described two different reasons. I guess I just viewed it as giving the two main reasons for the ctb, side by side. I did not consider that they were confusing or that they necessarily needed to be shown to have a relation to one another, as you may be suggesting. Do you find them contradictory, or just that the element of guilt complicates the letter unnecessarily? If there's a relationship, it's that my lack of interest in myself and the world makes me a disengaged, toxic person, which causes me to do hurtful things, which can make me feel bad for fucking with the lives of people who actually have goals, and the intent to live them out.

The idea that I've spent my life dealing with boredom in unhealthy ways, and feeling empty, is accurate, yes.

I wouldn't call myself angry or resentful though. Detachment, weariness and numbness are better words for what I experience. I also wouldn't generally call the people around me inauthentic. A few of them but not most.