hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 291
First day at work was terrible. I didn't sleep the night before like a fucking idiot. And i was so tired all day. I was so fucking slow and kept nodding off the entire day. And just waiting to leave. I couldn't focus at all and the only time i was ok was when they had me doing mindless tasks like cleaning or copying numbers down.
I literally could not stay awake anytime i had to use my brain.
I could tell the lady training me felt i was fucking stupid and was trying to figure out how i even got the job because she literally asked me if I have a degree and what i was doing here if my degree was comp sci.
But like I've gone 8 fucking months with no response. I can't even get a fucking help desk it job like so fuck off ok not everyone can get a job in the degree they almost killed themselves for.
And like i hate it so much. Why am i being embarrassed and humiliated in a job I'm being forced to do.
And the shifts are fucking 12 miserable hours long
She expected me to know everything about heart rhythms and such and I've never taken a fucking anatomy class in my life.
And now I'm supposed to know everything by friday which is my second day
I hate this so much. I hate that i took this job from someone who would actually be qualified and wanted this job because i literally am the reason i haven't gotten a job somewhere else. Cause companies would rather hire ppl they know or someone who works there knows over ppl that are actually qualified. I imagine all the candidates like me who were praying for this job and crying getting auto rejected cause my mother knows the hiring manager. I hate it so much. I feel like such a fucking scumbag
And to make matters worse they're going to make me take a class in person when i live an hour away. So i have to drive for a stupid class for this stupid job in a gield i fucking hate that makes me miserable
There's so many sick ppl and my mum lied and told me I'd never have to interact with them or be near them because she knows i hate germs and being sick. But i have to walk past patients rooms to get the heart boxes. I literally hear them coughing and walked past an open door that literally said no contact because of contamination risk and my skin was crawling and itchy for like an hour after.
And to rop it off it just hirt me when i realized that a lot of ppl do not actually give a fuck about other people. I work at the maternitiy section of the hospital so it's a no smoking zone cause it can harm the babies, mothers, pregnant ppl etc and two guys were smoking infront of the building despite there being multiple signs saying it's a no smoking zone. I asked my coworkers how to report them so security can ask them to leave and all of them were just like eh there's nothing we can do they just do what they want. Like?!?!?! Do u not care about the patients?!? I don't even know where the security office is so i couldn't go there and report them myself. And i wasn't gonna go and tell them off because they're literally 2 guys and twice my size. And they could attack me if i told them off. (I'm suicidal but i don't wanna get hurt for no reason, i wanna die as quick and painless as possible)
I hate this so much. I wanted to buy a gun after work and blow my brains out. I don't know how long I can last doing this but im too scared to kill myself.
I lliterally cried all the way home. And then afterwards cause i read a sad manga.
I hate this.
And then i feel so bad cause my sister was complaining about her job and how she hated it because it was boring when that is literally my dream in life. To have a boring job that pays well and doesn't make me destroy my body.
I'm not a fucking asshole so i kept my anger to myself and comforted her but i just cried more after that because like I'm not even asking for much but it seems like everyone around me is getting what they want or happy with what they have.
I can't even see the bright side of this because the only things i get in life are things i hate. My dream job is to be a comic rtist but i said it's ok to not have my dream as long as i don't work in a warehouse, trade, fast food, retail or medicine. And somehow those are the only fucking jobs that will take me.
Every job I've had has been miserable. Standing in the cold for hours waiting for kids to cross for school and getting scolded for using my phone, standing at work all day and getting scolded and told to go clean fir sitting down when we had no customers for 3 hours straight. Working entire football games and getting yelled at by customers for not having discounts that don't exist and not being allowed to even have a break cause we had to keep maling food continuously. All just physically taxing and mentally numbing jobs.
I wish someone else would just shoot me cause at least it won't count as suicide.
I've lived a decent life and tried my best to be a good person and I'll probably head to confession again to clear my conscious some more so I'm at least guaranteed purgatory for having shallow faith in case i die by accident.
My only fear is that I'll still go to hell because I'm only religious cause I'm scared of hell not cause i actually believe in anything else.
Especially since my prayers never get answered. I remember i went to confession one time and told the priest i wanted to kill myself back in december when i was certain I'd spend my first paycheck on a gun during mh previous part time job and he recommended me a Christian counseling service and told me to read a bible verse as my penance. And i can't remeber the verse but it was so fucking depressing it felt like the priest secretly was telling me to go ahead and kill myself. Like literally the verse was something along the lines of I'm crying everyday and can't feel ur presense and my life sucks but what can i do except keep believing even if you never answer me. And i read past it maybe thinking there'd be something about how eventually he'd answer but nope the verse basically said god can ignore u forever and ur life will always be shit but u ahould believe anyway.
And then i called the Christian counseling line and they told me it was $150 fucking dollars per session and i was tolf by my priest that if i told them i had no money they could see me for free when i said i had no money they said they could lower it to 50.
The shotgun i looked at was $149 dollars.
A gun to blow my head open cost lest than their service.
I felt that God or the universe was telling me to just take the gun and kill myself.
But i was scared it would affect my families chances at getting citizenship so i decided not to buy the gun.
Right now I'm waiting for an accident to koll me cause at least my family could get some money out of it.
Or to get a job i actually want that pays me enough to move out. Cause that's the only thing that would stop these suicidal thoughts.
I literally could not stay awake anytime i had to use my brain.
I could tell the lady training me felt i was fucking stupid and was trying to figure out how i even got the job because she literally asked me if I have a degree and what i was doing here if my degree was comp sci.
But like I've gone 8 fucking months with no response. I can't even get a fucking help desk it job like so fuck off ok not everyone can get a job in the degree they almost killed themselves for.
And like i hate it so much. Why am i being embarrassed and humiliated in a job I'm being forced to do.
And the shifts are fucking 12 miserable hours long
She expected me to know everything about heart rhythms and such and I've never taken a fucking anatomy class in my life.
And now I'm supposed to know everything by friday which is my second day
I hate this so much. I hate that i took this job from someone who would actually be qualified and wanted this job because i literally am the reason i haven't gotten a job somewhere else. Cause companies would rather hire ppl they know or someone who works there knows over ppl that are actually qualified. I imagine all the candidates like me who were praying for this job and crying getting auto rejected cause my mother knows the hiring manager. I hate it so much. I feel like such a fucking scumbag
And to make matters worse they're going to make me take a class in person when i live an hour away. So i have to drive for a stupid class for this stupid job in a gield i fucking hate that makes me miserable
There's so many sick ppl and my mum lied and told me I'd never have to interact with them or be near them because she knows i hate germs and being sick. But i have to walk past patients rooms to get the heart boxes. I literally hear them coughing and walked past an open door that literally said no contact because of contamination risk and my skin was crawling and itchy for like an hour after.
And to rop it off it just hirt me when i realized that a lot of ppl do not actually give a fuck about other people. I work at the maternitiy section of the hospital so it's a no smoking zone cause it can harm the babies, mothers, pregnant ppl etc and two guys were smoking infront of the building despite there being multiple signs saying it's a no smoking zone. I asked my coworkers how to report them so security can ask them to leave and all of them were just like eh there's nothing we can do they just do what they want. Like?!?!?! Do u not care about the patients?!? I don't even know where the security office is so i couldn't go there and report them myself. And i wasn't gonna go and tell them off because they're literally 2 guys and twice my size. And they could attack me if i told them off. (I'm suicidal but i don't wanna get hurt for no reason, i wanna die as quick and painless as possible)
I hate this so much. I wanted to buy a gun after work and blow my brains out. I don't know how long I can last doing this but im too scared to kill myself.
I lliterally cried all the way home. And then afterwards cause i read a sad manga.
I hate this.
And then i feel so bad cause my sister was complaining about her job and how she hated it because it was boring when that is literally my dream in life. To have a boring job that pays well and doesn't make me destroy my body.
I'm not a fucking asshole so i kept my anger to myself and comforted her but i just cried more after that because like I'm not even asking for much but it seems like everyone around me is getting what they want or happy with what they have.
I can't even see the bright side of this because the only things i get in life are things i hate. My dream job is to be a comic rtist but i said it's ok to not have my dream as long as i don't work in a warehouse, trade, fast food, retail or medicine. And somehow those are the only fucking jobs that will take me.
Every job I've had has been miserable. Standing in the cold for hours waiting for kids to cross for school and getting scolded for using my phone, standing at work all day and getting scolded and told to go clean fir sitting down when we had no customers for 3 hours straight. Working entire football games and getting yelled at by customers for not having discounts that don't exist and not being allowed to even have a break cause we had to keep maling food continuously. All just physically taxing and mentally numbing jobs.
I wish someone else would just shoot me cause at least it won't count as suicide.
I've lived a decent life and tried my best to be a good person and I'll probably head to confession again to clear my conscious some more so I'm at least guaranteed purgatory for having shallow faith in case i die by accident.
My only fear is that I'll still go to hell because I'm only religious cause I'm scared of hell not cause i actually believe in anything else.
Especially since my prayers never get answered. I remember i went to confession one time and told the priest i wanted to kill myself back in december when i was certain I'd spend my first paycheck on a gun during mh previous part time job and he recommended me a Christian counseling service and told me to read a bible verse as my penance. And i can't remeber the verse but it was so fucking depressing it felt like the priest secretly was telling me to go ahead and kill myself. Like literally the verse was something along the lines of I'm crying everyday and can't feel ur presense and my life sucks but what can i do except keep believing even if you never answer me. And i read past it maybe thinking there'd be something about how eventually he'd answer but nope the verse basically said god can ignore u forever and ur life will always be shit but u ahould believe anyway.
And then i called the Christian counseling line and they told me it was $150 fucking dollars per session and i was tolf by my priest that if i told them i had no money they could see me for free when i said i had no money they said they could lower it to 50.
The shotgun i looked at was $149 dollars.
A gun to blow my head open cost lest than their service.
I felt that God or the universe was telling me to just take the gun and kill myself.
But i was scared it would affect my families chances at getting citizenship so i decided not to buy the gun.
Right now I'm waiting for an accident to koll me cause at least my family could get some money out of it.
Or to get a job i actually want that pays me enough to move out. Cause that's the only thing that would stop these suicidal thoughts.
