Discussion Finding the will to act

[lavenderlilylies]

I'm not sure if this should be posted here or in the recovery tab, but there are more people here so..

there's this thing i heard somewhere on the internet, maybe you're familiar with it. That the issue for depressed people isn't that of willpower. On the contrary, the thing that keeps them somewhat functional is sheer willpower. As they don't have the motivation to do anything, there's no incentive, no reward, so when a depressed person gets out of bed, it's solely because of their willpower.

While I'm not diagnosed with anything, this perfectly describes my life. It takes everything in me to do the most basic things. And although I know doing certain things would make me happier, i simply can't bring myself to do it.

For a week or two, I'd have enough energy reserves to follow a set schedule. I'd wake up early in the morning and do the thing I have to do, even those I want to do sometimes. But my energy quickly dies down. And I'm back to barely being able to pull myself out of bed. And it takes me months to accumulate that same energy again.

I know this sounds like a bunch of lazy excuses, even to me. But I'm not looking for a perfect moment or a sudden burst of energy, when I finally get on top of my life it's not because "i feel like it", i just have the energy to get through things.

I can't get on meds or anything like that, but if you have any other tip or advice I'd very much appreciate it.

 

[Jadeith]

I know this sounds like a bunch of lazy excuses

Nope. It's a description of your condition, not an excuse. And afaik it's very similar for many others.

if you have any other tip or advice I'd very much appreciate it

In my case it's a sense of duty. I have other beings (be it animal or person) who heavily rely on me and that's what keeps me going.
Like - if you have a pet, don't rely on automatic feeder. Make schedule of feeding times and follow it to the letter because little one won't be able to survive w/o your help. If you have a person that relies on you, don't use doordash or similar services. Do the shopping yourself with that person in mind. If you don't have any family member or a friend, you can try to "adopt" one. Elderly neighbor, homeless or disabled person. If you can make yourself useful to someone, sense of duty will probably drag you out of bed even if in autopilot mode.

 

[quietism]

For a week or two, I'd have enough energy reserves to follow a set schedule. I'd wake up early in the morning and do the thing I have to do, even those I want to do sometimes. But my energy quickly dies down. And I'm back to barely being able to pull myself out of bed. And it takes me months to accumulate that same energy again.

That's really tough. I sympathise, I'm kinda stuck there too.

It's really challenging to set and keep to schedules when you can't reward yourself for it. Waiting for an external reward for something like that is basically wishing for a shooting star, unless you have a supportive friend who knows you well enough to coax you through with lots of encouragement.

Especially when rewards are unpredictable it's really hard to stick to any kind of regularity. Part of that is just the nature of homoeostasis working against better interests.

Yes, SMART goals and atomic habits are good ideas. Yes, they are boring, yes they are hard to make. This is all true. (I'm referring to the atomic habits book, by the way.)

Knowing I'll get a reward or something to look forward to is probably the single biggest motivator for me. So I just try to find positive things I can ration to use like that. The activities I can do that with, I find, tend to be what I perform best at.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I'm not sure if this should be posted here or in the recovery tab, but there are more people here so..

there's this thing i heard somewhere on the internet, maybe you're familiar with it. That the issue for depressed people isn't that of willpower. On the contrary, the thing that keeps them somewhat functional is sheer willpower. As they don't have the motivation to do anything, there's no incentive, no reward, so when a depressed person gets out of bed, it's solely because of their willpower.

While I'm not diagnosed with anything, this perfectly describes my life. It takes everything in me to do the most basic things. And although I know doing certain things would make me happier, i simply can't bring myself to do it.

For a week or two, I'd have enough energy reserves to follow a set schedule. I'd wake up early in the morning and do the thing I have to do, even those I want to do sometimes. But my energy quickly dies down. And I'm back to barely being able to pull myself out of bed. And it takes me months to accumulate that same energy again.

I know this sounds like a bunch of lazy excuses, even to me. But I'm not looking for a perfect moment or a sudden burst of energy, when I finally get on top of my life it's not because "i feel like it", i just have the energy to get through things.

I can't get on meds or anything like that, but if you have any other tip or advice I'd very much appreciate it.

This sounds like a physical issue then. You should see a medical doctor. Not a shrink. They'll just throw pills at you that don't do anything. And you should follow these guidelines for physical health, which is a precursor for energy, along with making sure your nutrition is good:

Things That Should Be Tried Prior to Considering a Suicide Attempt

This is not a recovery post. This is a list of things that I think people should do or try prior to even considering an attempt. This does not apply to people who are in chronic pain due to a severe incurable illness (such as slow painful cancer, the end stages of Huntington's disease, or...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[lavenderlilylies]

That's really tough. I sympathise, I'm kinda stuck there too.

It's really challenging to set and keep to schedules when you can't reward yourself for it. Waiting for an external reward for something like that is basically wishing for a shooting star, unless you have a supportive friend who knows you well enough to coax you through with lots of encouragement.

Especially when rewards are unpredictable it's really hard to stick to any kind of regularity. Part of that is just the nature of homoeostasis working against better interests.

Yes, SMART goals and atomic habits are good ideas. Yes, they are boring, yes they are hard to make. This is all true. (I'm referring to the atomic habits book, by the way.)

Knowing I'll get a reward or something to look forward to is probably the single biggest motivator for me. So I just try to find positive things I can ration to use like that. The activities I can do that with, I find, tend to be what I perform best at.

Thank you! I read atomic habits, it helped me more than I expected. The lack of a reward is definitely making things harder to do. but it's also difficult to find the reward itself as there's nothing i really want. I'm hoping doing what's good for me enough times will eventually make me gradually happier. Then it'll be easier to feel fulfilled

Nope. It's a description of your condition, not an excuse. And afaik it's very similar for many others.


In my case it's a sense of duty. I have other beings (be it animal or person) who heavily rely on me and that's what keeps me going.
Like - if you have a pet, don't rely on automatic feeder. Make schedule of feeding times and follow it to the letter because little one won't be able to survive w/o your help. If you have a person that relies on you, don't use doordash or similar services. Do the shopping yourself with that person in mind. If you don't have any family member or a friend, you can try to "adopt" one. Elderly neighbor, homeless or disabled person. If you can make yourself useful to someone, sense of duty will probably drag you out of bed even if in autopilot mode.

I can't have pets right now but this got me thinking that a plant is challenging enough for me lol, i can't make those things stay alive. But more responsibilities is worth trying out. And my parents can use the help. Thank you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm really struggling too. I tend to remind myself that things will get so much worse if I don't do whatever it is. I try to imagine the disappointment I'll feel in myself. How much worse I'll feel physically. Do I want tooth decay? No- so I brush my teeth. Do I want to lose my job and end up homeless? No- so I need to do whatever I need to do to keep my job.

I also bribe myself through with food and distraction. Maybe it won't be so bad to wash up if I put a film or music on in the background etc.

Life's so much harder though with little to no motivation. Worse- a lot of it feels like a fight now because I have so much resentment built up inside- that I've been given this ridiculous experience to try and navigate and, I can't very well leave it just now.

 

[GlassMoon]

I'm also trying to establish a structure for myself, but it's hard. I also make that work for like two-three weeks before something trips me up. I used bullet-journals as much as possible to allow me to see what I've achieved in the past. And my perfectionism then wants me to keep the streak, at least for some time. It's hard to get back into when there's a few missing days, though. It's also helpful for tasks that one does not have to do daily but weekly, like new pajamas.

I think it's important to keep this simple, but I always overdo it. Lately too much anxiety to even work through the bullet journal tasks in a simple spreadsheet.

Another suggestion is to find an accountability partner, like for sports, if that is possible for you. There are also online accountability groups which one can use at least to prevent oneself from goofing off while working on a task for an hour - everyone shares their camera and you can watch other people work!

Do you reward yourself in any way? Maybe just a piece of chocolate after lunch?

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I'm really struggling too. I tend to remind myself that things will get so much worse if I don't do whatever it is. I try to imagine the disappointment I'll feel in myself. How much worse I'll feel physically. Do I want tooth decay? No- so I brush my teeth. Do I want to lose my job and end up homeless? No- so I need to do whatever I need to do to keep my job.

I also bribe myself through with food and distraction. Maybe it won't be so bad to wash up if I put a film or music on in the background etc.

Life's so much harder though with little to no motivation. Worse- a lot of it feels like a fight now because I have so much resentment built up inside- that I've been given this ridiculous experience to try and navigate and, I can't very well leave it just now.

Yeah, i pretty much can't do anything without distractions anymore. i just recently stopped watching things in the shower though (improvement lol) because i tend to wander off and take too long. Having nothing on makes it unpleasant enough that i get everything done as quickly as possible.

I think fear of failure/disappointment is my only driver as well at this point. It works well for somethings. But it's still exhausting, especially when nothing i do is ever up to my own standards anyway.

I've been trying a new thing after i posted this. Since i have nothing to bribe myself with. I'm taking stuff away if i don't get things done as a punishment. Idk if it'll work

I'm sorry you're struggling. Yeah, life is really ridiculous

 

[Scythe]

In terms of hyigene I manage to shower everyday cause I'd feel dirty otherwise and it's just not a state I'd like to sleep in. I can always manage to rinse my mouth with mouthwash if I cannot bursh my teeth on a day.
In terms of food, I'm lucky I'm a decent cook so there's pretty much smth to look forward to everytime I cook. Half preped food is a good option, as in things like marinated meat or those packages that you make soup with you just have to dump everything in and maybe add a little bit of flavoring and boil it. Idk what that is though. I guess get microwave food if you want but I usually find those bad and stay away from them. I know washing dishes is a pain though so get a stash of paper plates.
As for hobbies, I'm mostly relying on ADHD hyperfixations to give me motivation, I find if I satisify ADHD I can do smth I want but didn't have the energy to afterwards. There's also the fact that there's things I actually want to do and I don't know how long I've left to live. So if I want to experience these things, I have to do it *now*.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I'm also trying to establish a structure for myself, but it's hard. I also make that work for like two-three weeks before something trips me up. I used bullet-journals as much as possible to allow me to see what I've achieved in the past. And my perfectionism then wants me to keep the streak, at least for some time. It's hard to get back into when there's a few missing days, though. It's also helpful for tasks that one does not have to do daily but weekly, like new pajamas.

I think it's important to keep this simple, but I always overdo it. Lately too much anxiety to even work through the bullet journal tasks in a simple spreadsheet.

Another suggestion is to find an accountability partner, like for sports, if that is possible for you. There are also online accountability groups which one can use at least to prevent oneself from goofing off while working on a task for an hour - everyone shares their camera and you can watch other people work!

Do you reward yourself in any way? Maybe just a piece of chocolate after lunch?

I haven't tried bullet journalling because i think it'd be too time consuming with my set of skills. but i use notion for daily tasks/organization, i think the system i have is efficient in itself and simple enough, you could say im the weakest link lol. sticky notes are my second option when notion is too overwhelming.

But yeah I GET IT. it gets difficult to even open the app when i haven't for a long time knowing that i'll be faced with unchecked to-dos from weeks ago.

I haven't thought of an accountability partner. I can't do in person or open up a camera but sharing daily tasks with someone and checking in at the end of the day would be great. I'll look it up, I'm sure there's an online group for that. or if anyone here is interested I'd appreciate it.

About rewards, this'll sound so silly but i kinda struggle to spend money on myself for "nonessentials" and especially with food, which is one of the few things i actually want. So I'm out of ideas for good rewards that would push me to get things done. But taking things away has been helpful so far, I've actually gotten things done today.

Thank you so much <3

In terms of hyigene I manage to shower everyday cause I'd feel dirty otherwise and it's just not a state I'd like to sleep in. I can always manage to rinse my mouth with mouthwash if I cannot bursh my teeth on a day.
In terms of food, I'm lucky I'm a decent cook so there's pretty much smth to look forward to everytime I cook. Half preped food is a good option, as in things like marinated meat or those packages that you make soup with you just have to dump everything in and maybe add a little bit of flavoring and boil it. Idk what that is though. I guess get microwave food if you want but I usually find those bad and stay away from them. I know washing dishes is a pain though so get a stash of paper plates.
As for hobbies, I'm mostly relying on ADHD hyperfixations to give me motivation, I find if I satisify ADHD I can do smth I want but didn't have the energy to afterwards. There's also the fact that there's things I actually want to do and I don't know how long I've left to live. So if I want to experience these things, I have to do it *now*.

Funnily enough washing dishes is an okay chore for me:0. I used to enjoy cooking more too but it became increasingly difficult, it's also time consuming which would be fine if it didn't take me ages to do everything else. I tried meal/ingredient prepping before but i think i got on the wrong foot there so I'll give it another try soon. Thank you <3