Method Finding the body

[l1ablemistakes]

I have a new plan to make sure I'm successful in dying without my partner having to be the one to find me. I know it would kill him and I wouldn't be able to go through with it if I didn't have some kind of plan. So here it goes:

1. The setup. I'll have all my notes on my table and one taped to the front door, which I'll come back to later. I will be in my shed with my noose tied to a beam I have made sure holds my body weight. We have an old chair out in storage there too.
2. Drink until I lose inhibition. This should be fairly easy for me since I'm an alcoholic.
3. Stand on the chair and position the noose around my neck. I'll have a belt ready to go on my non dominant hand so I can tie my wrists behind my back.
4. Call an ambulance. PAUSE! I know this sounds crazy but hear me out. I'm not going to tell them the truth, obviously. I work in the emergency department closest to my house (again, we will get back to that), so I am very familiar with the ambulance triage system. I'm going to tell them I'm feeling suicidal without plan or intention and I can't drive myself to hospital.
5. Hang up. I don't care what the operator says. I'll tell them I can't stay on the line for whatever reason. Maybe my phone is dying.
6. Tie the belt so my hands are bound behind my back. I don't want last minute survival instincts or thrashing interfering.
7. Partial suspension. I've practiced it many times so I'm very comfortable with the feeling of padding out.
8. Kick the chair. Right at the last second, I'm going to kick it from beneath me and achieve full suspension. The beam is high enough for me to do this.
9. The ambulance will take more than 30 minutes to arrive. The note will explain that I lied on the phone and I have already hung myself. Im also going to ask them not to take me to the local ED- my hospital doesn't deal with severe brain injury anyway so I doubt they will, but I really don't want to traumatise my coworkers. I'm going to leave my door locked and not tell them where, as an extra safety measure to prevent me from being found too soon in case they arrive before 30 mins.
10. They will find me eventually I guess. It will be too late. I'm hoping I could potentially be an organ donor, if they try CPR, but I'm certain if I use this protocol I will never regain any brain function.

I know this is kind of selfish and a waste of ambulance resources but trust me, I owe it to my partner for it not to be him. And I think I've given enough to the medical system to be selfish just this once.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

I suppose even the happily married arent immune to death's charms...

And they are charming.
after all..
Who else, what else, would be willing to wait for you for your entire life?

 

[Yuja]

Although it is a painful way to go, I hope that you find what you're looking for in the end

If I may ask, why your shed? And why this method? Since you're in the medical field I feel as though maybe you would have access to easier methods.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

If I may ask, why your shed? And why this method? Since you're in the medical field I feel as though maybe you would have access to easier methods.

It's one of two places in my property that coukd suspend my weight, the other being my patio which is visible to neighbours from certain angles. I don't really feel like travelling anywhere, I don't have anywhere meaningful to go and the thought of just being missing and my family not knowing what happened makes me feel horrible.

As to why this method, it's the most successful suicide method I've seen in patients I've witnessed. I've practiced partial suspension and it is not that painful, I've been able to get myself to basically pass out.

 

[Yuja]

It's one of two places in my property that coukd suspend my weight, the other being my patio which is visible to neighbours from certain angles. I don't really feel like travelling anywhere, I don't have anywhere meaningful to go and the thought of just being missing and my family not knowing what happened makes me feel horrible.

As to why this method, it's the most successful suicide method I've seen in patients I've witnessed. I've practiced partial suspension and it is not that painful, I've been able to get myself to basically pass out.

Ah well I see. I guess your reasoning makes sense but it's unfortunate that your partner and family will have to deal with what happens after. I don't mean to say this in any shameful manner it's just that whenever I think about it, the thought the pain my family will go through hurts me a lot.

If you don't mind, can you tell me the reason you've decided to CTB? Since you'll be gone soon anyways I thought I'd ask

 

[2muchpain2]

I think this seems like a good plan. my only concern would be that they would find you too early.

Ah well I see. I guess your reasoning makes sense but it's unfortunate that your partner and family will have to deal with what happens after. I don't mean to say this in any shameful manner it's just that whenever I think about it, the thought the pain my family will go through hurts me a lot.

Yes, this is an unavoidable aftermath that non of us can avoid. and it's likely the biggest reason why we struggle with ctb so much.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

If you don't mind, can you tell me the reason you've decided to CTB? Since you'll be gone soon anyways I thought I'd ask

I think part of me has known I'd die young since I was very little, and that it would be my own doing since I first became unwell. I've been struggling with depression/anxiety/OCD/insomnia for over 10 years (since I was 12), as well as chronic illness. More recently I've also been struggling with addiction. At this point I can barely function outside of work, I'm so burnt out I find practically zero value or joy in day to day life. Lately my OCD has become fixated on the idea of CTB ever since treating a patient at work who was my age who hanged himself and died. I keep thinking—if he can do it, why can't I? My OCD has always given me a crippling fear of loss, the knowledge that eventually my parents will age and die, that life is fragile and nothing is guaranteed. I think I would rather exit early and spare myself that inevitable loss. A few months ago I had a breakdown in front of my best friend which resulted in them getting me sent to hospital then ghosting me, and we haven't spoken since. I guess that kind of confirmed some of my worst fears, yknow? I've seen so many therapists and on been on so many meds and I've only continued to decline. Even if my mental health were treatable, my physical health and chronic pain will continue to get worse. I've made enough happy memories that I am content with the life I've lived. I've achieved most of the things I wanted to. I'm ready to go.

Sorry for the long answer. I've just given it a lot of thought.

I think this seems like a good plan. my only concern would be that they would find you too early.

I have taken this into consideration. I think this plan has enough buffers that the brain damage will be irreversible. I've made it clear through conversations with loved ones and also in my note that living with a brain injury is my worst nightmare and I would never forgive them for keeping me like that. I'm also an organ donor so in this scenario I've asked that they kindly allow me to go and use my body to make a difference rather than pretending I'm still in there.

 

[Yuja]

Sorry for the long answer. I've just given it a lot of thought.

Oh don't worry about it, my question does require a long answer anyways. Thank you for sharing your story! I think it's quite unfortunate that you've decided on this considering you still have loved ones but I hope that whatever it is that you decide on, that you find peace in the end :)

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Oh don't worry about it, my question does require a long answer anyways. Thank you for sharing your story! I think it's quite unfortunate that you've decided on this considering you still have loved ones but I hope that whatever it is that you decide on, that you find peace in the end :)

Thank you! I am just grateful that my community is tight knit and can support each other. I am fully aware how bad this will be for everyone around me, I just hope they can understand considering theyve all watched me struggle and suffer for years. I hope they can forgive me :')

 

[da5ae5ae]

You are brave

 

[broken serenity]

I understand your reason. It's so hard to exist when ur brain isn't right. People don't see the problems but the sufferer is living in pain.

I'm happy to hear you created beautiful memories. Wishing you a peaceful end.

 

[lpdsvm]

Can they theoretically contact an ambulance that is nearby (just passing by or any reason)? Can they call the police or someone else to make there faster?
I get that no one will go the extra mile with all that bureaucracy but what if.

 

[rainrainrain]

I understand your pain.. hopefully your partner does not feel too much guilt after you're gone. Try to make your reasons clear beforehand. Wishing you find peace.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Can they theoretically contact an ambulance that is nearby (just passing by or any reason)? Can they call the police or someone else to make there faster?
I get that no one will go the extra mile with all that bureaucracy but what if.

I do worry about this. I'm going to downplay it aa much as I can. This is also why I have buffers in place like leaving my doors locked and not telling them where on the property to find me. That way if they get there too soon they should still have to spend time searching. I was also potentially going to use my furniture to barricade all my doors to make it harder to get through or bring me through.
The nearest ambulance station is 5 minutes from my house, and the nearest police station is 6 minutes. I doubt an urgent lights and sirens response would be called for someone who says they are suicidal with no intent or plan. This would put me as a category 3 which means response is required within 30 minutes. I've looked up average ambulance response times and even category 1 emergencies often dont get seen until about 10-15 minutes. With all this said, I am almost certain this will be successful.