Venting Finally getting evicted

[thinkkank]

It's finally going to happen. I am getting evicted. I knew it would happen at some point, but this is it. I had delayed it for so long, but I can't any longer. How did I get here? What went wrong? I just couldn't get the money for it. Why couldn't I get the money for rent? Because I can't hold down a job to save my life. Why can't I hold down a job? Because I am mentally ill. I struggle with focusing on things, delusions, anxiety, completing anything, dealing with stress, constant mood swings, I could go on and on. I can't fix it. I can't change this. I have to live with this brain of mine that constantly does things that I don't want it to do. All of these problems come from my brain. It can't do things properly or it does what it wants to do and not what I want to do. My brain put me in this situation.
I have given up. My brain won. It will frustrate me for the rest of my life. Even complaining about it is a problem. I don't think it will get better.
I want to be grateful. I want to say that I am thankful for all the good times I had in this home, and there were many, but I can't. I keep thinking about how badly I fucked up. If I just didn't fuck up at work I would have had more money now. I would have invested it, saved it. I would have had enough rent money saved up for a year minimum. Things would have been so much better if my brain just did what I wanted it to do.
I'll never have this good ever again. It's just downhill from here, and my brain is in the driver's seat.
I want to turn back time so badly. If I could just make the right decisions everything would be better. When I look back at all the mistakes I made, my mental illness was at the center of it. I either made bad decisions because I was delusional or impulsive or couldn't focus long enough to get better at something or to make a better decision.
It'd be one thing if I didn't know what to do, if I was a complete moron and all my bad decisions were made because I didn't know anything, but I do know what to do. I know what decisions I need to make to make things better and I just can't follow through. I can't focus long enough to follow through. That's why it frustrates me so much. I could have avoided this. I could've been in a much better situation but I just can't bring myself to do it.
When I think about how bad it'll get I get more depressed. My brain will betray me next month, and the month after that and the month after that. I have to live it it for years.
It's over. It's all over and there's nothing I can do about it. All my mistakes led to this point. There were so many times when I could've made just one tiny change and it would have all been better but I didn't. I just kept making the same dumb decisions again and again and it all compounded to this moment. Now I'm stuck. Nothing I do can get me out of this.
I am going to lose everything. The bed I've slept on for years. Most of my belongings can't go with me to the homeless shelter. I can only take the clothes on my back and my laptop and a few other things. Everything that I'm used to, over. Gone. I feel cold. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to just lay down and sink into the floor.
I can't get out of this loop I'm in. I keep fucking everything up and I don't know what to do. Everyday I keep fucking things up. I want to stop but I can't. I can't get it right because of this fucking illness.
I just want to be normal. I want to have normal things and do normal things but I can't because of this illness. The most basic of things are beyond my reach because of my brain.
I can't run away. I can't pray this away. I can't talk my way out of this. This is really bad and I can't handle it.
I'm just ranting. I need to get this off my chest.

 

[thinkkank]

My soon-to-be-former landlord came by and gave me the yelling of a lifetime. She went on and on about how I was finished and that this was her house and that I had to pay for all the months I missed. I was hoping she would break her voice from all of that yelling or pass out from not having any air left. The whole cul-de-sac could hear her verbally beat me down.
I interrupted her and told her I had to use the toilet, which was half true. I just needed to get out of the situation and the stress did make my stomach upset. I quickly went into the bathroom and took the longest shit I'd taken in my life.
I heard her walking down the stairs and going to the kitchen. I could hear dishes getting moved around and some mumbling. I thought I would just wait things out in the toilet. I thought she would spend a few minutes in the kitchen then leave.
I sat there for 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 25 minutes, and she was still down there doing stuff. My plan went down the shitter.
I finally got off the John and figured I'd just walk out of there and hear her shrill voice again. I hate it when I'm right.
I stepped out of the toilet and the first thing she did was complain about the dishes in the sink being dirty (that weren't mine) and the floor being dirty. I had swept the floors in the kitchen, living room, stairs and outside my room a few days ago so I thought they were just fine, a little dusty sure but not too bad. She yelled at me about how the house was filthy and how I was being lazy. She kept hitting octaves that I didn't think were possible.
Yet again I had to stand there and just take it. She complained about the sink having water in it, she complained the kitchen counter having some stains, she complained about the garbage bin not being emptied out (it was halfway full and had plenty of empty space in it). She complained about dust on the stairs. Everything was wrong to her.
There're a lot of things I'm going to miss about this place. The privacy I had, the shower (homeless shelters don't have great showers), the view from my window, the park near the house. The one thing that I'll be glad to get rid of is this banshee of a landlord. When she's gone from my life she'll be gone for good. This is just a chapter in my life. All chapters end.
She is abusive and manipulative and I'll be glad when she's no longer in my life. I've been around bad people in my life, and they all left. I always emerged a little bit stronger from my time with them.

 

[thinkkank]

I found out my mom is sick and in the hospital. She needs help with money and I'm flat broke and unemployed. Just when I thought my day wasn't going to get any better my favorite landlord showed up, banged on my door and gave me another sample of her lovely voice at the highest pitch possible. She hit all the high notes as she yelled at me. She should become a vocal coach. I've never seen anyone yell that loudly for that long and not break their voice. She displayed excellent breath control, her voice just kept getting higher and higher. It went from A to A#, then C, C#, G, G#. She should quit being a landlord and start singing opera. She'd contribute more to the world by being a singer than by being a landlord. Why yell at someone for free when you can raise your voice in front of a captive, loving audience for thousands of dollars. I would have complimented her on her vocal pipes and recommended she try the performing arts, but my mind was elsewhere.

Life just keeps hitting me. I can't take it anymore. I'm becoming really numb. I can't eat a lot and I just lay in bed for hours now.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry about your Mum and your landlord.

I so wish you'd try journalism though. Or maybe that's not what it's called. Some form of creative writing for a publication.

Ever heard of Sloane Crosley? Your posts remind me of her in a way. Humerous and entertaining perspectives on the everyday shit that befalls us. I think you have a great way of viewing the world and its grumpy inhabitants. Being able to read funny works by people who are also struggling with meany superiors I think helps us all to re-frame our own miserable lots.

Have you ever tried getting your work published? I love Captain F*ck-up.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

The way you describe your landlord reveals a potentially valuable talent with words and humor.

 

[thinkkank]

Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate that