Venting Finally did it

[.exec]

I'm just venting about this...please don't over-analyze it.

I finally was able to cut myself...I'm not proud of it. But it's my third day and I'm slowly easing into the thing.
It's sort of soothing to do it but i feel unsettled about how i went from not even being able to place the thing on my skin to slowly making cuts.
They aren't exactly deep but all i wanted was to see myself bleed.
That little sting feels refreshing after every mind-numbing day, which is every day to be honest.
It's barely been days and I feel the urge to cut every hour, every hour is a countdown until midnight, when i cut...

I'm afraid that this is turning into a habit
I'm fine with it being a way to cope, but knowing that I'm slowly gonna get regular with it, because I know i will...it makes me feel very unsettled.

 

[.exec]

I got caught-
Sucks that I need to lay it off for a couple weeks

 

[PanaxMan]

I'm just venting about this...please don't over-analyze it.

I finally was able to cut myself...I'm not proud of it. But it's my third day and I'm slowly easing into the thing.
It's sort of soothing to do it but i feel unsettled about how i went from not even being able to place the thing on my skin to slowly making cuts.
They aren't exactly deep but all i wanted was to see myself bleed.
That little sting feels refreshing after every mind-numbing day, which is every day to be honest.
It's barely been days and I feel the urge to cut every hour, every hour is a countdown until midnight, when i cut...

I'm afraid that this is turning into a habit
I'm fine with it being a way to cope, but knowing that I'm slowly gonna get regular with it, because I know i will...it makes me feel very unsettled.

Should not have done this at all unless it's truly coping thru self harm (which I never recommend)

 

[hahahahhkjsk]

sh is something i can't recommend as a regular coping mechanism. its good that you recognize the possibility of it turning into a regular habit, because if you don't keep it under control, it will. i hope im not being selfish by sharing my own experience, i want you to read it and take what you can from it, i know i can't be the one to fully deter you from doing it, still, i hope it makes you reconsider.
i don't know your personal history with it, but i don't want to come off as condescending like im taking you as someone completely inexperienced; i prefer to talk generally to hopefully get my point across better. and hopefully you can ignore that my thoughts may be disorganized.

i went from being able to confidently go to a waterpark wearing a bikini (nevermind the body image issues) to never being able to wear shorts again for probably the rest of my life, in less than two months. i did it on my thighs.
it got out of control very quick, i spiralled into doing it at least 4 nights a week. i kept pictures of my sessions as a trophy and it shows just how fast it accelerated. from "just a few cuts" to "just a few more again" until i struggled to find skin. and it wont just stay at one body part either.
its a self-devouring cycle. you do it to ease your urges, then you have more urges, so you do it some more, which means more urges, and... youre already in a vicious cycle.
i know how it feels. wanting to get worse, to go deeper because you might feel like your current ones aren't good enough, but i tell you, even if you do go deeper you will still want it to be worse. the same with eds, even if you reach that ideal, you still won't be happy with it, you will still want to go deeper into the abyss.
it felt like my urges consumed me alive. it was the only thing i could think about. the next time i do it. how im gonna do it. the same way an addict thinks about the next hit, the next high, because it is an addiction and it will take everything from you. i also spent a fuckton of money on bandages. geniune insanity.
if you manage to get out of it, you will be left with permanent scars, insecurity, guilt and shame. nevermind the social reactions to it, 0/10 can't recommend.

that was 4 years ago. exactly 4 years ago. ended nastily with a half-assed attempt on my arm.
my scars healed, they all match my skin tone but they are still visible because... they are scars. even then, they are there, as clear as day.
i still battle with urges, i still think about doing something extreme to myself, i still think about relapsing. its a constant battle. im lucky if i can stay clean for a few months at this point.
theres also the danger of infections, improper healing... you might end up with permanent nerve damage which i assume you obviously don't want.

id equate sh being a coping mechanism as picking up a hammer and going apeshit in your room. sure, you will feel satisfied that you let it out, but when you come down from that high, what are you left with? damage. damage that you might never be able to undo. whatever you gamble into this, you lose thrice as much.

 

[hereandthere13]

I'm just venting about this...please don't over-analyze it.

I finally was able to cut myself...I'm not proud of it. But it's my third day and I'm slowly easing into the thing.
It's sort of soothing to do it but i feel unsettled about how i went from not even being able to place the thing on my skin to slowly making cuts.
They aren't exactly deep but all i wanted was to see myself bleed.
That little sting feels refreshing after every mind-numbing day, which is every day to be honest.
It's barely been days and I feel the urge to cut every hour, every hour is a countdown until midnight, when i cut...

I'm afraid that this is turning into a habit
I'm fine with it being a way to cope, but knowing that I'm slowly gonna get regular with it, because I know i will...it makes me feel very unsettled.

i don't stuggle with cutting, but from what i've heard once you start it feels impossible to stop.

 

[.exec]

sh is something i can't recommend as a regular coping mechanism. its good that you recognize the possibility of it turning into a regular habit, because if you don't keep it under control, it will. i hope im not being selfish by sharing my own experience, i want you to read it and take what you can from it, i know i can't be the one to fully deter you from doing it, still, i hope it makes you reconsider.
i don't know your personal history with it, but i don't want to come off as condescending like im taking you as someone completely inexperienced; i prefer to talk generally to hopefully get my point across better. and hopefully you can ignore that my thoughts may be disorganized.

i went from being able to confidently go to a waterpark wearing a bikini (nevermind the body image issues) to never being able to wear shorts again for probably the rest of my life, in less than two months. i did it on my thighs.
it got out of control very quick, i spiralled into doing it at least 4 nights a week. i kept pictures of my sessions as a trophy and it shows just how fast it accelerated. from "just a few cuts" to "just a few more again" until i struggled to find skin. and it wont just stay at one body part either.
its a self-devouring cycle. you do it to ease your urges, then you have more urges, so you do it some more, which means more urges, and... youre already in a vicious cycle.
i know how it feels. wanting to get worse, to go deeper because you might feel like your current ones aren't good enough, but i tell you, even if you do go deeper you will still want it to be worse. the same with eds, even if you reach that ideal, you still won't be happy with it, you will still want to go deeper into the abyss.
it felt like my urges consumed me alive. it was the only thing i could think about. the next time i do it. how im gonna do it. the same way an addict thinks about the next hit, the next high, because it is an addiction and it will take everything from you. i also spent a fuckton of money on bandages. geniune insanity.
if you manage to get out of it, you will be left with permanent scars, insecurity, guilt and shame. nevermind the social reactions to it, 0/10 can't recommend.

that was 4 years ago. exactly 4 years ago. ended nastily with a half-assed attempt on my arm.
my scars healed, they all match my skin tone but they are still visible because... they are scars. even then, they are there, as clear as day.
i still battle with urges, i still think about doing something extreme to myself, i still think about relapsing. its a constant battle. im lucky if i can stay clean for a few months at this point.
theres also the danger of infections, improper healing... you might end up with permanent nerve damage which i assume you obviously don't want.

id equate sh being a coping mechanism as picking up a hammer and going apeshit in your room. sure, you will feel satisfied that you let it out, but when you come down from that high, what are you left with? damage. damage that you might never be able to undo. whatever you gamble into this, you lose thrice as much.

Ill be honest, reading through this whole message has definitely made me feel things. And i feel your pain too.
i...ill try not to go deep into this thing because I have somewhat idea of how much it completely consumes you. Even I've started to have similar issues as you. I can't even look at my arm without feeling regret and a weird mix of disgust and pity because I know I did this and it's the scars of my own actions. I am gonna try to stop this time too but I am so unsure because this isn't by first relapse. It happened 2 times if I can remember, and it's before I even made an account on SaSu. Every time I said and i promised myself that I won't. In just a couple days I ideate about it, and just a tiny little push and it send me back to doing it again. I have been also been anorexic and this cutting this is a new one. This like a pattern. I start, then something interrupts me and then I stop for a month and then again, one day something bad happens and my mind keeps going back to it. I've never been able to use a blade in my life. I always had just in case I want to use it but it wasn't until like 5 days from now I finally made my first cuts and then I'm in that loop again, and I am thinking of it, planning it, etc etc.

And now that I am caught, I think this is enough time to start doing things to heal. As in one of my parents got to know that I was cutting myself, and by the time I returned home, I was humiliated and screamed at and cursed at but I didn't really give a shit because I was already tired of everything. Thankfully though, with the help of my mother, I have taken a tetanus shot yesterday, even though I told her many times that the blade was perfectly clean and sterilized. Regardless. I look towards healing. Although I think the moment my result drops the shame is gonna make me relapse once more, but I'll be giving this an actual try and make some progress.

Thank you everyone. I wish everyone to heal and leave all this pain behind.
As for @hahahahhkjsk, I am so thankful about your message it really helped in pin-pointing my problems. I am sorry for all that you've went through.
If you ever need someone to hear you out. My DMs are always open

 

[.exec]

i don't stuggle with cutting, but from what i've heard once you start it feels impossible to stop.

I know and I've been warned by people here and people I know who have been through this before I've faced this. But I've been dumb, I admit that. I'm trying to help myself with a firmer approach

Should not have done this at all unless it's truly coping thru self harm (which I never recommend)

I know bro, I know. I knew that this wouldn't be a one time thing anymore. What can I say. I was too stubborn and lost in my own grief to have thought. Looking back at it. It was very dumb, So fucking dumb

 

[AnonymousCat1]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I don't have any advice, just a hug if you want it

 

[.exec]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I don't have any advice, just a hug if you want it

Aww, tysm broski. I don't expect an advice from everyone, it's fine. I'm happy if this thread helped.
Also, TAKE A HUG BACK

 

[UltraAlter]

First of all, much love to you - I hope you find a coping mechanism that is more healthy, and wish you all the best in that.

Second - I need to second everything @hahahahhkjsk has said. It may feel satisfying at the time, but will quickly become a heavy addiction, and in the end when you finally get out of the spiral, it's completely embarrassing. There's nothing worse than being stuck in pants for the entirely of summer, every summer for the rest of your life. Avoiding swimming, traveling, or anything that may require slightly less coverage. I've hidden some of my worse scars with tattoos, but even those don't cover them because they're so raised.
Once you start, it very quickly becomes VERY hard to stop… I assure you it's not worth going down that path. I was warned, and didn't care. Didn't think I'd make it past a certain point for it to even matter… now I'm over a decade down the track, recovered, and parts of my body are permanently an absolute mess and that'll never change, and I have absolutely nothing but regrets left.

Please look after yourself
One day you may be in a better place and it's not just not worth the brief relief in the end.

(Also, I apologise greatly if this comes off as like.. trying to tell you what to do with your life.. you're obviously you're own person and have every right to do what ever you wish with your time in this world… just a heavy recommendation from someone who has also been there and wish I had been told more than just "don't do this, you'll regret it")

 

[.exec]

I

First of all, much love to you - I hope you find a coping mechanism that is more healthy, and wish you all the best in that.

Second - I need to second everything @hahahahhkjsk has said. It may feel satisfying at the time, but will quickly become a heavy addiction, and in the end when you finally get out of the spiral, it's completely embarrassing. There's nothing worse than being stuck in pants for the entirely of summer, every summer for the rest of your life. Avoiding swimming, traveling, or anything that may require slightly less coverage. I've hidden some of my worse scars with tattoos, but even those don't cover them because they're so raised.
Once you start, it very quickly becomes VERY hard to stop… I assure you it's not worth going down that path. I was warned, and didn't care. Didn't think I'd make it past a certain point for it to even matter… now I'm over a decade down the track, recovered, and parts of my body are permanently an absolute mess and that'll never change, and I have absolutely nothing but regrets left.

Please look after yourself
One day you may be in a better place and it's not just not worth the brief relief in the end.

(Also, I apologise greatly if this comes off as like.. trying to tell you what to do with your life.. you're obviously you're own person and have every right to do what ever you wish with your time in this world… just a heavy recommendation from someone who has also been there and wish I had been told more than just "don't do this, you'll regret it")

I am so sorry that you had to go through such heavy stuff, I'm really happy that you've been sh free for 10 years...I'm proud of what you've become from where you were originally...

And as for your message in the braces. I don't mind that you're telling me not to do that to my life. And I'm so incredibly thankful, really... because you're warning me because you know what it costs in the long term. And i can't express that much gratitude through just a mere text message. I'm thankful to literally everyone who's trying to warn me. I am gonna stand by this and i won't do sh anymore.... though I'm very unsure. I'll fight, that's for sure...

I am very thankful for your kind words, and i wish you a better life ahead man, take care.
Oh, have a hug too broski

 

[UltraAlter]

I

I am so sorry that you had to go through such heavy stuff, I'm really happy that you've been sh free for 10 years...I'm proud of what you've become from where you were originally...

And as for your message in the braces. I don't mind that you're telling me not to do that to my life. And I'm so incredibly thankful, really... because you're warning me because you know what it costs in the long term. And i can't express that much gratitude through just a mere text message. I'm thankful to literally everyone who's trying to warn me. I am gonna stand by this and i won't do sh anymore.... though I'm very unsure. I'll fight, that's for sure...

I am very thankful for your kind words, and i wish you a better life ahead man, take care.
Oh, have a hug too broski

No need to be sorry. At the end of the day, what's done is done. Do I wish it wasn't? Sure.. but it is what it is now. At the end of the day, I'm just glad I made it out on the other side.

Thanks for taking it the right way, and I'm really really glad you can take it on board I know some times the urges will come… all you can do is your best to fight them… but slip ups can happen and it's important not to beat yourself up about it if it does. Then you just try again and keep fighting
Big hugs to you too.