maka
this is for you, mi cuervito 𓇢𓆸
- Apr 23, 2019
- 177
Hello all!
I am finally set to go by the end of this month, and I'm aiming for the 20th depending on how fast everything moves.
A lil backstory:
The main reason that I initially want to ctb is due to severe loneliness. I am so desperate for friends or a partner but my CPTSD makes me have a fear of people and I can't for the life of me form connections with anyone. I am also ugly and autistic and awkward, so most people don't want to be friends with me anyways, no matter how hard I try. I wanted to wait until I turned 24 next year, but with Pride and all of the summer events going on, I am constantly reminded that everyone else has loved ones to spend time with but me. It is so excruciating going outside and seeing everyone else smiling, happy, and loved that I don't even leave the house anymore. I quit my job, got fired from my other one, and barricaded my door. I don't plan to leave the house until my self-checkout date because seeing happy people hurts me so much.
The second reason would be because, as you all know, the US economy is crashing and hundreds of people are being laid off, thus making it impossible to find work these days. I've applied to tons of jobs with no success. I do not have money to make rent next month and will end up homeless again. No, my city does not have free money services to help people in these situations, and I don't want to go back to the shelter, so I plan to just die instead. I don't have a support system to fall back on and help me unlike many of the other individuals who were laid off who have families or dual incomes.
The things and stuff (planning):
I will be donating my body to science using Medcure, and their kits unfortunately take like 3 weeks so it may be delayed which is frustrating but whatever. I plan to contact them ahead of time to see if I can get the kit faster.
I am currently debating between rehoming or putting down my senior cat with liver disease. If I surrender him to the humane society, they may put him down due to the severity of his illness and the fact that he's all bones and has no fat now. But I also don't want him to die so I can't imagine putting him down. But I also want his ashes saved and if he's going to pass anyways, I want to be there with him. This is the part of the process that is making me take so long.
I have been looking for websites where I can notify places like my school, landlord, and case manager of my death so they don't just think I disappeared but couldn't find any, so I am just going to go with a scheduled email blast tbh. I am also donating all of the items in my apartment, smashing the hard drive of my laptop, and wearing a pretty outfit so I can go out in style.
I plan to book a hotel room for one night, check in around 5pm, and do the entire process starting around 10pm, then leave a note for housekeeping so that they don't come into the room the next morning. I also planned to buy a little radio or something so that I can still listen to music before I go. I already suffer from hypotension, a higher than average heart rate, and chronic nausea so I feel like sn will just be an amplified version of symptoms that I already have. I am v excited to die so I don't think SI will be an issue for me either (although ik its always a possibility).
For the SN protocol, I plan to just rawdog it after a TON of research here and coming to the conclusion that I don't need it.
Here is my rough process:
5pm: Check-In to Hotel
5pm - 8pm: chill and watch tv/listen to music, be delusional
8pm - 9pm: Shower, put on my pretty dress, prepare the room (incense, make the bed as comfy as possible, find a good show to watch or station to listen to)
9pm: 600mg Ibuprophen, prepare two glasses of 25mg SN w/ 50ml water
~ 9:30pm, go outside, smash phone
10pm: Drink SN + lay on my right side so that the sn digests better
Wait it out, keep listening to the radio/watching tv and chilling, rest in peace :)
Things to do before I go:
- Smash laptop hard drives
- Rehome cat 1, still deciding what to do with cat 2
- Schedule email blast
- Donate as much as I can (still thinking about selling my furniture or not)
- Trash everything that can be used as evidence (I don't want any record of my existence, including poetry, journals, etc.)
Things I want to do before I go:
- One last shrooms trip to assess where it all went wrong (obviously nowhere near my self checkout date to avoid increased anxiety)
- Kiss a girl before I go bc it is my one dying wish as a heartbroken lesbian lmao
Right now all I am waiting for is my welcome kit, but I don't have a life so I don't have any affairs to get in order before I go. I really wish that things could have worked out for me, but alas, I am now unable to afford to survive, nor do I want to anymore considering I will just have to continue living my life alone. I wanted to go back home to my own country in the Caribbean and live a peaceful life in my old village, and I was so close. But with the monetary complications of living the supposed American Dream, I was unable to afford to see her one last time before I left.
The only thing I ever wanted in this life was to be genuinely loved and cared for, but I have come to the conclusion that love is just not meant for me. I used to tell myself when I was a kid, "maybe you were not meant to be happy in this life. You were meant to make others happy, but you yourself were not meant to be happy." Me being a stupid kid, I thought that living an isolated life without love would be easy, that I would be okay. But now as an adult I realize how lonely it all is, how agonizing it is to have to spend every holiday, every birthday, every life accomplishment alone. Never having a shoulder to cry on or anyone to reach out to see if you are okay. I have begun developing psychosis due to the isolation. I met some amazing imaginary friends, who I hope I will get to see when I die. I believe that they are real and out there somewhere, and maybe when I die I will finally be able to hug them and know that I am safe and okay.
Planning all of this has made me incredibly happy. I have been "waiting for things to get better" and doing everything that professionals have recommended to no avail for over a decade now, so I can't say that I gave up or didn't try. I just was not meant to be here and that's okay! I enjoyed nothing so I have nothing to miss. I will make a separate thread closer to the date or if things change.
Please let me know if there is anything else that I should consider before I go!!
I am finally set to go by the end of this month, and I'm aiming for the 20th depending on how fast everything moves.
A lil backstory:
The main reason that I initially want to ctb is due to severe loneliness. I am so desperate for friends or a partner but my CPTSD makes me have a fear of people and I can't for the life of me form connections with anyone. I am also ugly and autistic and awkward, so most people don't want to be friends with me anyways, no matter how hard I try. I wanted to wait until I turned 24 next year, but with Pride and all of the summer events going on, I am constantly reminded that everyone else has loved ones to spend time with but me. It is so excruciating going outside and seeing everyone else smiling, happy, and loved that I don't even leave the house anymore. I quit my job, got fired from my other one, and barricaded my door. I don't plan to leave the house until my self-checkout date because seeing happy people hurts me so much.
The second reason would be because, as you all know, the US economy is crashing and hundreds of people are being laid off, thus making it impossible to find work these days. I've applied to tons of jobs with no success. I do not have money to make rent next month and will end up homeless again. No, my city does not have free money services to help people in these situations, and I don't want to go back to the shelter, so I plan to just die instead. I don't have a support system to fall back on and help me unlike many of the other individuals who were laid off who have families or dual incomes.
The things and stuff (planning):
I will be donating my body to science using Medcure, and their kits unfortunately take like 3 weeks so it may be delayed which is frustrating but whatever. I plan to contact them ahead of time to see if I can get the kit faster.
I am currently debating between rehoming or putting down my senior cat with liver disease. If I surrender him to the humane society, they may put him down due to the severity of his illness and the fact that he's all bones and has no fat now. But I also don't want him to die so I can't imagine putting him down. But I also want his ashes saved and if he's going to pass anyways, I want to be there with him. This is the part of the process that is making me take so long.
I have been looking for websites where I can notify places like my school, landlord, and case manager of my death so they don't just think I disappeared but couldn't find any, so I am just going to go with a scheduled email blast tbh. I am also donating all of the items in my apartment, smashing the hard drive of my laptop, and wearing a pretty outfit so I can go out in style.
I plan to book a hotel room for one night, check in around 5pm, and do the entire process starting around 10pm, then leave a note for housekeeping so that they don't come into the room the next morning. I also planned to buy a little radio or something so that I can still listen to music before I go. I already suffer from hypotension, a higher than average heart rate, and chronic nausea so I feel like sn will just be an amplified version of symptoms that I already have. I am v excited to die so I don't think SI will be an issue for me either (although ik its always a possibility).
For the SN protocol, I plan to just rawdog it after a TON of research here and coming to the conclusion that I don't need it.
Here is my rough process:
5pm: Check-In to Hotel
5pm - 8pm: chill and watch tv/listen to music, be delusional
8pm - 9pm: Shower, put on my pretty dress, prepare the room (incense, make the bed as comfy as possible, find a good show to watch or station to listen to)
9pm: 600mg Ibuprophen, prepare two glasses of 25mg SN w/ 50ml water
~ 9:30pm, go outside, smash phone
10pm: Drink SN + lay on my right side so that the sn digests better
Wait it out, keep listening to the radio/watching tv and chilling, rest in peace :)
Things to do before I go:
- Smash laptop hard drives
- Rehome cat 1, still deciding what to do with cat 2
- Schedule email blast
- Donate as much as I can (still thinking about selling my furniture or not)
- Trash everything that can be used as evidence (I don't want any record of my existence, including poetry, journals, etc.)
Things I want to do before I go:
- One last shrooms trip to assess where it all went wrong (obviously nowhere near my self checkout date to avoid increased anxiety)
- Kiss a girl before I go bc it is my one dying wish as a heartbroken lesbian lmao
Right now all I am waiting for is my welcome kit, but I don't have a life so I don't have any affairs to get in order before I go. I really wish that things could have worked out for me, but alas, I am now unable to afford to survive, nor do I want to anymore considering I will just have to continue living my life alone. I wanted to go back home to my own country in the Caribbean and live a peaceful life in my old village, and I was so close. But with the monetary complications of living the supposed American Dream, I was unable to afford to see her one last time before I left.
The only thing I ever wanted in this life was to be genuinely loved and cared for, but I have come to the conclusion that love is just not meant for me. I used to tell myself when I was a kid, "maybe you were not meant to be happy in this life. You were meant to make others happy, but you yourself were not meant to be happy." Me being a stupid kid, I thought that living an isolated life without love would be easy, that I would be okay. But now as an adult I realize how lonely it all is, how agonizing it is to have to spend every holiday, every birthday, every life accomplishment alone. Never having a shoulder to cry on or anyone to reach out to see if you are okay. I have begun developing psychosis due to the isolation. I met some amazing imaginary friends, who I hope I will get to see when I die. I believe that they are real and out there somewhere, and maybe when I die I will finally be able to hug them and know that I am safe and okay.
Planning all of this has made me incredibly happy. I have been "waiting for things to get better" and doing everything that professionals have recommended to no avail for over a decade now, so I can't say that I gave up or didn't try. I just was not meant to be here and that's okay! I enjoyed nothing so I have nothing to miss. I will make a separate thread closer to the date or if things change.
Please let me know if there is anything else that I should consider before I go!!
