feels like the pain will always return

[thefaunasystem]

i've done everything i can to try living, not just surviving and the reality is that i can't seem to make myself want to be alive. i got sober, i engaged fully with mental health support, i sorted out my living situation, i sorted most of my debts, i cut out harmful people - i've done everything i can. yet i still feel empty. i still feel like i'm burning up from the inside and i know myself well enough by this point that i know it will only get worse. the honeymoon period is over.

i keep thinking that if any rational person knew they would experience 3rd degree burns tomorrow that would eventually kill them, that they'd kill themselves first to avoid the extreme pain and suffering. is it really so illogical to want to protect myself from the suffering i know is coming? i think not.

 

[slowlydying2mrrw]

i've done everything i can to try living, not just surviving and the reality is that i can't seem to make myself want to be alive. i got sober, i engaged fully with mental health support, i sorted out my living situation, i sorted most of my debts, i cut out harmful people - i've done everything i can. yet i still feel empty. i still feel like i'm burning up from the inside and i know myself well enough by this point that i know it will only get worse. the honeymoon period is over.

i keep thinking that if any rational person knew they would experience 3rd degree burns tomorrow that would eventually kill them, that they'd kill themselves first to avoid the extreme pain and suffering. is it really so illogical to want to protect myself from the suffering i know is coming? i think not.

That is my experience as a borderliner. Every waking moment is pain indescribable yet intense enough within, but ugly from the outside. I want to die everyday and mask the pain because if people knew, they would reject you. :)