lavenderlilylies
Student
- Sep 24, 2024
- 126
I've brought up this topic a few times before and got very understandable criticism about my stance. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much conflicted. But I'm making peace with the idea of spending the rest of my life alone.
I don't think I'll muster up the courage to ctb any time soon. So my focus has been more towards minimizing the pain of existing, doing the most with what I have while I'm biding my time.
I'm very, very uncomfortable and dissatisfied with the life I'm living for reasons outside my control. I feel alienated in my own body and I'm growing tired of having to put up a facade 24/7. I'm so sick and tired of knowing every move i make is being perceived and judged even without hearing the judgment.
It was on the top of my priorities to maintain my relationship with my family. I do love them and didn't want to ever disappoint them. But god do they make me want to kill myself. It's slow, but my parents have a special talent in burning your spirit down to a crisp until you're left with no wants or desires idling until your much awaited demise. I wanted to move out and get away from them physically, but not to burn our bridges. And there's absolutely no other way to achieve that than to have an arranged marriage.
But that's a whole different can of worms, And things I thought until recently were justifiable for the greater purpose -living a less miserable life- i was always aware it's selfish of me. But it was a selfish act i was willing to commit. Living here for the rest of my life and dying here alone seemed like a nightmare I would do anything to escape.
It might be that even my desire to leave is dead now, or I finally got over that fear enough to think clearly. But if I'm stuck here 20 years from now, so what? I'm already miserable. At least I didn't bring any more innocent souls into this cruel world just to live a mediocre life at best. I think im ok having an unfulfilling job and coming home every night to bedrot.
I don't think I'll muster up the courage to ctb any time soon. So my focus has been more towards minimizing the pain of existing, doing the most with what I have while I'm biding my time.
I'm very, very uncomfortable and dissatisfied with the life I'm living for reasons outside my control. I feel alienated in my own body and I'm growing tired of having to put up a facade 24/7. I'm so sick and tired of knowing every move i make is being perceived and judged even without hearing the judgment.
It was on the top of my priorities to maintain my relationship with my family. I do love them and didn't want to ever disappoint them. But god do they make me want to kill myself. It's slow, but my parents have a special talent in burning your spirit down to a crisp until you're left with no wants or desires idling until your much awaited demise. I wanted to move out and get away from them physically, but not to burn our bridges. And there's absolutely no other way to achieve that than to have an arranged marriage.
But that's a whole different can of worms, And things I thought until recently were justifiable for the greater purpose -living a less miserable life- i was always aware it's selfish of me. But it was a selfish act i was willing to commit. Living here for the rest of my life and dying here alone seemed like a nightmare I would do anything to escape.
It might be that even my desire to leave is dead now, or I finally got over that fear enough to think clearly. But if I'm stuck here 20 years from now, so what? I'm already miserable. At least I didn't bring any more innocent souls into this cruel world just to live a mediocre life at best. I think im ok having an unfulfilling job and coming home every night to bedrot.
