Returning to this site after a 6-month absence. I did honestly try my best to live life in those six months, but it's just not realistic for me, I guess. So here I am again. I'm terrible at engaging in communities, online or not, but I want to make an effort to be part of this forum because it's probably the only place left where I can find people who share my experiences rather than deny them.
Kurwenal is a character in Wagner's 'Tristan und Isolde'. He's basically ineffectual and useless. Seemed kind of fitting. He's meant to be written as a heroic sacrifice, someone who stays loyal to his lord to the end and beyond. But whenever I listen to or watch the opera, I'm always struck by how pointless he is as a character. Again, seems fitting as far as I'm concerned.
My byline is also from Wagner. 'Enden sah ich die Welt' (English: 'I saw the world end') was a rejected final line for Götterdämmerung, another of Wagner's works. As with all things Wagner, there are many interpretations, some more valid than others. Mine is probably an 'other' in this regard. But as I see it, Brünnhilde has suffered a final trauma in a long history of them, the one that has opened her eyes to reality, the one that made the illusion of a world crumble to nothing. She is now beyond mortality, she has seen past the veil of death and she knows there is no reality. She is not afraid to die, but welcomes it as the logical conclusion. I want to get to that point. As it stands, I keep coming up with reasons not to try to kill myself again. I have no doubt that if I were given a vial of N, no questions asked, I'd still find something to stop me.
Liebestod is German for "love death".
I feel like you and I have some common interests.