Venting Ex-Con (Part 2)

[persepexa]

Hi everyone. A few months ago I posted about wanting to CTB due to my criminal record. I spent over a year in prison and it has ruined my life. This is basically a follow up to that post.

So basically everything has gotten worse since I last posted. From a practical standpoint I have no job or even prospects of a job and haven't since getting out. I have barely any money and no savings. I have no real friends and live in a house with strangers. I feel very uncomfortable here.

Apart from that my prison experience still haunts me. I can't stop thinking about it whenever I am alone. Until I went to prison I had never even met someone who had committed a crime, been arrested or been to prison. I couldn't even have told you the name of any famous prisons. I had a good job, a nice life, lovely friends, I was even studying for my masters. I had a lot more than most people. And I just threw it all away over a man.

I'm turning 30 exactly 3 weeks from today and I just can't live like this any more. I can't carry around the trauma of my time in prison or the guilt and shame of what I did for another 10, 20, 30 years.

It's like my brain just can't process any of it. I look at myself in the mirror and think "who is that? That person was in a prison cell. This person has a criminal record that will follow them for the rest of their life." I see old pictures of myself doing normal things and can't believe that person would later go to prison.

All I want is a normal life. A nice job, a group of friends, a boyfriend, a place to live where I feel comfortable and safe. And all of that is so far out of reach. I have made up my mind that CTB is what I want to do. I just need to source a method and then I'm gone.

If you made it this far thank you for reading.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Is there any kind of support to help you back into work? I would have thought that would be a good thing to help people back on their feet.

 

[persepexa]

Is there any kind of support to help you back into work? I would have thought that would be a good thing to help people back on their feet.

Yes I did a course, got another qualification because my actual degree is now useless, and had regular meetings with an employment specialist last year. That support has now stopped because they feel there's nothing more they can do. My CV is just really bad. My degree and my experience is in one specific field that does not allow people to have criminal records. They're very strict and there is no leeway. So when an employer sees my CV they see a degree and years of experience in an unrelated field, a big long gap, and an application for something I have no experience in. It's a big uphill battle to be honest. Even some voluntary roles have rejected me. I'm not your typical career criminal. My situation is unique I would say. I apply for entry level jobs that accept ex-cons and they see me as overqualified. I apply for jobs that are a bit higher up and they see the gap in my CV as a huge red flag.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes I did a course, got another qualification because my actual degree is now useless, and had regular meetings with an employment specialist last year. That support has now stopped because they feel there's nothing more they can do. My CV is just really bad. My degree and my experience is in one specific field that does not allow people to have criminal records. They're very strict and there is no leeway. So when an employer sees my CV they see a degree and years of experience in an unrelated field, a big long gap, and an application for something I have no experience in. It's a big uphill battle to be honest. Even some voluntary roles have rejected me. I'm not your typical career criminal. My situation is unique I would say. I apply for entry level jobs that accept ex-cons and they see me as overqualified. I apply for jobs that are a bit higher up and they see the gap in my CV as a huge red flag.

I'm sorry. Especially since you are obviously trying so hard. It's difficult to be honest- even without a conviction. I was turned down by the chain store I'd previously worked 9 years for, when I was desperate for work. It's not like I was consistently employee of the month or anything but, I would have thought I was still a fairly safe bet. Do you get the sense it is just computers turning you down too? I really hope you get some luck soon.

 

[persepexa]

I'm sorry. Especially since you are obviously trying so hard. It's difficult to be honest- even without a conviction. I was turned down by the chain store I'd previously worked 9 years for, when I was desperate for work. It's not like I was consistently employee of the month or anything but, I would have thought I was still a fairly safe bet. Do you get the sense it is just computers turning you down too? I really hope you get some luck soon.

Thank you! Honestly computers and AI recruiting are definitely a factor. But I have also spoken to people on the phone who have asked about the gap on my CV. I've said different things tbh because sometimes when they call I'm in public and I don't want to air my business in front of strangers but they've never been happy with my answer, no matter what I say. And that gap is getting bigger every day. It's not just employment either. I'm 29 years old, no job or friends. When I try to make friends a lot of people see that as a red flag. It just all makes it hard to rebuild.

 

[dudebl]

I'm so sorry. I have two misdemeanors and I'm afraid of new legal trouble. I'm 37 and already been out of work 3 years. I have nothing as well. I live with my mom.

I've never been to prison. My convictions both came with just fine, but I'm afraid if I get something else they will be much harsher.

I never thought I would be here either, I had a great job before and some circumstances led to me leaving that job.

I can't let my mom deal with me if I have more trouble - I am already depending on her monetarily and emotionally.

If I get a job, big if, it will probably not even be enough to survive.

I know it will hurt my mom if I do ctb, but I can't live with the guilt of my convictions and everything I put on her.

I'm an embarrassment and a failure - she would be better without me.

I don't want to die, but I can't live this life.

I know how you feel and how hard it is, I hope you find some peace someway.

 

[persepexa]

I'm so sorry. I have two misdemeanors and I'm afraid of new legal trouble. I'm 37 and already been out of work 3 years. I have nothing as well. I live with my mom.

I've never been to prison. My convictions both came with just fine, but I'm afraid if I get something else they will be much harsher.

I never thought I would be here either, I had a great job before and some circumstances led to me leaving that job.

I can't let my mom deal with me if I have more trouble - I am already depending on her monetarily and emotionally.

If I get a job, big if, it will probably not even be enough to survive.

I know it will hurt my mom if I do ctb, but I can't live with the guilt of my convictions and everything I put on her.

I'm an embarrassment and a failure - she would be better without me.

I don't want to die, but I can't live this life.

I know how you feel and how hard it is, I hope you find some peace someway.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel the exact same. I'm haunted by it honestly. I just can't live with this. I don't want to be an ex-con. I just want normal things and I'll never get them. My family went from having a somewhat normal son they were proud of to being so ashamed of me they never talk about me. I won't be getting any sort of job I could live off of. I have no friends. I'm a constant worry to them. I was actually thinking of moving back in with my parents tbh but if I do that it will become impossible to CTB. I had a nice respectable job before, nice friends, I used to travel a bit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror any more. Feel free to PM me.

 

[HNR17114168]

Explain the gap in your CV saying you signed a non-disclosure agreement and can't discuss what company you were working for. I've seen that a lot. It works.

 

[InevitableDeath]

That's a good idea, or travelling or something. Provide the best references you can too. I suppose it would depend on the offence and how they check employment history.

Or you could try to find work with employers that won't discriminate in that way. Charities, smaller businesses, arts, more casual or whatever. In many non corporate organisations, if your personality fits and you're committed, thats far more important than a previous record.

And don't measure yourself by it. Its in the past, doesn't make you a bad person. Move on. Move somewhere new if that helps. Finish your masters. I know plenty of ex-cons and most have been made tougher by the experience, in a good way.

Not a great reason to CTB at thirty imho.

 

[persepexa]

Explain the gap in your CV saying you signed a non-disclosure agreement and can't discuss what company you were working for. I've seen that a lot. It works.

I might try that. Thanks!

That's a good idea, or travelling or something. Provide the best references you can too. I suppose it would depend on the offence and how they check employment history.

Or you could try to find work with employers that won't discriminate in that way. Charities, smaller businesses, arts, more casual or whatever. In many non corporate organisations, if your personality fits and you're committed, thats far more important than a previous record.

And don't measure yourself by it. Its in the past, doesn't make you a bad person. Move on. Move somewhere new if that helps. Finish your masters. I know plenty of ex-cons and most have been made tougher by the experience, in a good way.

Not a great reason to CTB at thirty imho.

I have no references from previous employment though that's the thing. None of them will even speak to me. I have never worked a corporate job in my life so I've been applying for anything and everything. Usually I don't even get a reply.

I also can't finish my masters because it was in a foreign country and it's too expensive. Basically I'm trapped in the country where I committed the crime and can't move elsewhere. I have no connections here.

Look everyone is different. Some people can cope with the prison experience, the criminal record etc. I can't. Before prison I had never met a criminal in my life. The guilt and the shame are too much for me. Plus I've been trying for so long to find a job, make new friends etc and it's just not working. Usually when I meet a new person I lie about myself and my history. It just doesn't work. The only people I speak to are people who have been inside and they're just awful people. I have nothing in common with them.

Life is so different when you have been to prison. I'm not sure you can fully appreciate it if you haven't been. Everything is different. You're different. Nothing about life is the same.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

Thank you! Honestly computers and AI recruiting are definitely a factor. But I have also spoken to people on the phone who have asked about the gap on my CV. I've said different things tbh because sometimes when they call I'm in public and I don't want to air my business in front of strangers but they've never been happy with my answer, no matter what I say. And that gap is getting bigger every day. It's not just employment either. I'm 29 years old, no job or friends. When I try to make friends a lot of people see that as a red flag. It just all makes it hard to rebuild.

sorry if this is a really dumb suggestion, but is there anyway you could lie about your experience and just fake references? you could pretend to have worked in a more casual ex-con friendly environment like more minimum wage jobs or whatever they are.

i know you probably wouldnt want to do that anyways, but if there was any way you could get a job. it sucks most of your experience is in a field thats very strict about this kind of thing, maybe you could go back to uni explore different pathways? perhaps in the trades?

whatever happens now, i hope things get easier for you. its fucked when it feels like weve hit the end of the game, and theres no option left but to quit. im sorry.

 

[InevitableDeath]

I might try that. Thanks!

I have no references from previous employment though that's the thing. None of them will even speak to me. I have never worked a corporate job in my life so I've been applying for anything and everything. Usually I don't even get a reply.

I also can't finish my masters because it was in a foreign country and it's too expensive. Basically I'm trapped in the country where I committed the crime and can't move elsewhere. I have no connections here.

Look everyone is different. Some people can cope with the prison experience, the criminal record etc. I can't. Before prison I had never met a criminal in my life. The guilt and the shame are too much for me. Plus I've been trying for so long to find a job, make new friends etc and it's just not working. Usually when I meet a new person I lie about myself and my history. It just doesn't work. The only people I speak to are people who have been inside and they're just awful people. I have nothing in common with them.

Life is so different when you have been to prison. I'm not sure you can fully appreciate it if you haven't been. Everything is different. You're different. Nothing about life is the same.

Personal references, anything. How about tutors from when you started your masters? What about from where you did your grad degree.? Just pile up the paperwork from anyone you can. Think about who you know who might do you a favour with that. There's bound to be someone.

I'm not saying any of this is easy - I know a lot of ex-cons, I haven't been in myself but I know them well and have had all the stories. The ones I know aren't all bad (some are) but most aren't and were men in for bullshit reasons really. Maybe its different for a woman, as custodial sentences tend to be less (not sure if youre female or gay male, its not clear from the posts)

At 30, don't write yourself off is all am saying. You've still got a lot of potential if you can get past this.

 

[persepexa]

sorry if this is a really dumb suggestion, but is there anyway you could lie about your experience and just fake references? you could pretend to have worked in a more casual ex-con friendly environment like more minimum wage jobs or whatever they are.

i know you probably wouldnt want to do that anyways, but if there was any way you could get a job. it sucks most of your experience is in a field thats very strict about this kind of thing, maybe you could go back to uni explore different pathways? perhaps in the trades?

whatever happens now, i hope things get easier for you. its fucked when it feels like weve hit the end of the game, and theres no option left but to quit. im sorry.

I have considered fake references but if they decide to call the people I would need at least 2 people who would be willing to lie to me. I'm not ruling it out I just haven't found 2 people who would be willing to do that. My dad suggested it but he also said if for example I had a reference for warehouse work for 4 years (I was arrested in 2022), it would be obvious to everyone once I started that I had never worked in a warehouse before so I would have to think about it a bit more. It couldn't hurt I suppose.

I'd love to go back to uni but I have no money. In prison they offer help for Open University courses but I didn't qualify for it because I already have a degree. If I had the money I would love to study something new and maybe start fresh in a new city.

That's exactly how I feel tbh. Have you ever played a video game where you get to a boss and realise you are way too underlevelled to beat it? Like battling Mewtwo with a level 5 Squirtle. Like you realise you did not play the game properly at all and the only way to win is to just quit and restart. That's how I feel. I just don't have the tools to make it back from this and I don't really want to either. I hate trades and manual work which is why I chose to do something else. The only work I have found is going back to prisons to do surveys on the quality of healthcare. I haven't started yet though but I'm dreading it.

The thing about anything manual or physical is they tend to accept people with record because it's more about the quality of the work. Unfortunately I am a very feminine gay man who cannot wrap his head around simple DIY. The other day I bought weighing scales and had to put in a battery. It took me an hour. Just to put in a battery. Do you see what I mean? lol

I know I'm making excuses for myself and if I'm honest work is only a small reason for my decision but I just feel trapped with no way out.

Personal references, anything. How about tutors from when you started your masters? What about from where you did your grad degree.? Just pile up the paperwork from anyone you can. Think about who you know who might do you a favour with that. There's bound to be someone.

I'm not saying any of this is easy - I know a lot of ex-cons, I haven't been in myself but I know them well and have had all the stories. The ones I know aren't all bad (some are) but most aren't and were men in for bullshit reasons really. Maybe its different for a woman, as custodial sentences tend to be less (not sure if youre female or gay male, its not clear from the posts)

At 30, don't write yourself off is all am saying. You've still got a lot of potential if you can get past this.

Thank you for your kind words. I have reached out to former employers and was ignored so at the moment the only person in my life who is willing to give me a reference is my probation officer. Unfortunately I actually didn't end up finishing my masters. In fact due to my mental health I barely handed in any assignments.

Work is only one of many reasons for my decision tbh but it's just the one that's easiest to explain to people. If you read my most recent post it might explain my train of thought a bit better.

I am in fact a gay man, my victim was another man who is a high profile public figure and I have breached restraining orders multiple times. It shows I am volatile, dangerous, and have no respect for the rules (not my words btw).

It's a huge uphill battle tbh and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I don't want to live as an ex-con. The guilt and shame of what I've done, the people I've hurt, the trauma from being in prison. It's all too much for me. I just want it all to go away.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

I have considered fake references but if they decide to call the people I would need at least 2 people who would be willing to lie to me. I'm not ruling it out I just haven't found 2 people who would be willing to do that. My dad suggested it but he also said if for example I had a reference for warehouse work for 4 years (I was arrested in 2022), it would be obvious to everyone once I started that I had never worked in a warehouse before so I would have to think about it a bit more. It couldn't hurt I suppose.

I'd love to go back to uni but I have no money. In prison they offer help for Open University courses but I didn't qualify for it because I already have a degree. If I had the money I would love to study something new and maybe start fresh in a new city.

That's exactly how I feel tbh. Have you ever played a video game where you get to a boss and realise you are way too underlevelled to beat it? Like battling Mewtwo with a level 5 Squirtle. Like you realise you did not play the game properly at all and the only way to win is to just quit and restart. That's how I feel. I just don't have the tools to make it back from this and I don't really want to either. I hate trades and manual work which is why I chose to do something else. The only work I have found is going back to prisons to do surveys on the quality of healthcare. I haven't started yet though but I'm dreading it.

The thing about anything manual or physical is they tend to accept people with record because it's more about the quality of the work. Unfortunately I am a very feminine gay man who cannot wrap his head around simple DIY. The other day I bought weighing scales and had to put in a battery. It took me an hour. Just to put in a battery. Do you see what I mean? lol

I know I'm making excuses for myself and if I'm honest work is only a small reason for my decision but I just feel trapped with no way out.

Thank you for your kind words. I have reached out to former employers and was ignored so at the moment the only person in my life who is willing to give me a reference is my probation officer. Unfortunately I actually didn't end up finishing my masters. In fact due to my mental health I barely handed in any assignments.

Work is only one of many reasons for my decision tbh but it's just the one that's easiest to explain to people. If you read my most recent post it might explain my train of thought a bit better.

I am in fact a gay man, my victim was another man who is a high profile public figure and I have breached restraining orders multiple times. It shows I am volatile, dangerous, and have no respect for the rules (not my words btw).

It's a huge uphill battle tbh and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I don't want to live as an ex-con. The guilt and shame of what I've done, the people I've hurt, the trauma from being in prison. It's all too much for me. I just want it all to go away.

im so sorry to hear about how you feel about life. sometimes it really just is a dead end. i still think there may be a few options you havent exhausted, but honestly it doesnt seem fair when youre always going to be 100 steps behind.

i feel like warehouse is a very specific role, although every job does give some kind of training. it doesnt have to be 4 years of one fake job, could be multiple, and maybe a few months gap of unemployment? you could also lie and say you have retail or grocery store experience, or something like that. those jobs are piss easy to do, even without actual experience very easy to learn. you could also try something like a small business such as cleaning or pet/housesitting or something very small? im not sure about business or tax laws though.

i understand not wanting to do the trades, im a 5'0 small underweight girl. people look at me and assume im weak, and they would probably be right. i didnt even want to take out the bin when i used to work in fast food.

once again, im sorry for the shitty situation youre stuck in. i completely understand your desire to give up. this system was made to fuck us over to begin with, even if you were born upper middle class. i cant imagine it gets any easier once youve been to prison. honestly, quitting the game just to spite this shitty society is completely valid. fuck this world. we were never meant to succeed anyways. i hope you find some peace in this life or out of it <3

 

[persepexa]

im so sorry to hear about how you feel about life. sometimes it really just is a dead end. i still think there may be a few options you havent exhausted, but honestly it doesnt seem fair when youre always going to be 100 steps behind.

i feel like warehouse is a very specific role, although every job does give some kind of training. it doesnt have to be 4 years of one fake job, could be multiple, and maybe a few months gap of unemployment? you could also lie and say you have retail or grocery store experience, or something like that. those jobs are piss easy to do, even without actual experience very easy to learn. you could also try something like a small business such as cleaning or pet/housesitting or something very small? im not sure about business or tax laws though.

i understand not wanting to do the trades, im a 5'0 small underweight girl. people look at me and assume im weak, and they would probably be right. i didnt even want to take out the bin when i used to work in fast food.

once again, im sorry for the shitty situation youre stuck in. i completely understand your desire to give up. this system was made to fuck us over to begin with, even if you were born upper middle class. i cant imagine it gets any easier once youve been to prison. honestly, quitting the game just to spite this shitty society is completely valid. fuck this world. we were never meant to succeed anyways. i hope you find some peace in this life or out of it <3

Thank you for your kind words. I was actually told by the job centre that retail jobs are a no go for ex-cons. Maybe I should just completely rewrite my CV with fake work experience just to see what happens. I looked into cleaning and house sitting but those require criminal record checks because you would be in somebody's home, especially if it's a family with children which is usually the main clientele for those kinds of businesses.

Tbh everyone on here has really focussed in on the employment side of things, maybe I over emphasised them tbh. The truth is this just isn't the life I want. I don't want to be me any more. I've had enough of it. Not having a job gets me down sure but it's also the reasons I don't have a job that get me.

The jobs that are available to me I don't want. The people who would be willing to associate with me are people I don't want in my life. The places I could go now are places I don't want to go.

I ruined every aspect of my life. I'm not even allowed to move back in with my parents. It's honestly all too much for me to live with. Even when I'm distracted or enjoying myself, it's always there. Sometimes I'll be going about my day, maybe walking to the shops or waiting for a bus and I'll suddenly remember something awful I had done. It never goes away. I just want it all to end.

I appreciate everyone's kind words but I've made my mind up. This is not the life for me. This is not who I want to be.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

Thank you for your kind words. I was actually told by the job centre that retail jobs are a no go for ex-cons. Maybe I should just completely rewrite my CV with fake work experience just to see what happens. I looked into cleaning and house sitting but those require criminal record checks because you would be in somebody's home, especially if it's a family with children which is usually the main clientele for those kinds of businesses.

Tbh everyone on here has really focussed in on the employment side of things, maybe I over emphasised them tbh. The truth is this just isn't the life I want. I don't want to be me any more. I've had enough of it. Not having a job gets me down sure but it's also the reasons I don't have a job that get me.

The jobs that are available to me I don't want. The people who would be willing to associate with me are people I don't want in my life. The places I could go now are places I don't want to go.

I ruined every aspect of my life. I'm not even allowed to move back in with my parents. It's honestly all too much for me to live with. Even when I'm distracted or enjoying myself, it's always there. Sometimes I'll be going about my day, maybe walking to the shops or waiting for a bus and I'll suddenly remember something awful I had done. It never goes away. I just want it all to end.

I appreciate everyone's kind words but I've made my mind up. This is not the life for me. This is not who I want to be.

I understand, and I apologise if I seemed like I was trying to insist on you finding other options. I can definitely see why you are choosing to give up, you are stuck in an impossible situation where there is barely any room left to rise above rock bottom. Why bother?

Atleast, you can die on your on terms. Don't become a slave to this system any longer.

I wish you the best in your CTB efforts, and I hope you can finally escape and find peace or nothingness, whichever sounds more appealing.

Good luck on wherever your journey takes you man! <3

 

[persepexa]

I understand, and I apologise if I seemed like I was trying to insist on you finding other options. I can definitely see why you are choosing to give up, you are stuck in an impossible situation where there is barely any room left to rise above rock bottom. Why bother?

Atleast, you can die on your on terms. Don't become a slave to this system any longer.

I wish you the best in your CTB efforts, and I hope you can finally escape and find peace or nothingness, whichever sounds more appealing.

Good luck on wherever your journey takes you man! <3

Thank you and the same to you. <3

 

[InevitableDeath]

Tbh everyone on here has really focussed in on the employment side of things, maybe I over emphasised them tbh. The truth is this just isn't the life I want. I don't want to be me any more. I've had enough of it. Not having a job gets me down sure but it's also the reasons I don't have a job that get me.

The jobs that are available to me I don't want. The people who would be willing to associate with me are people I don't want in my life. The places I could go now are places I don't want to go.

I ruined every aspect of my life. I'm not even allowed to move back in with my parents. It's honestly all too much for me to live with. Even when I'm distracted or enjoying myself, it's always there. Sometimes I'll be going about my day, maybe walking to the shops or waiting for a bus and I'll suddenly remember something awful I had done. It never goes away. I just want it all to end.

I appreciate everyone's kind words but I've made my mind up. This is not the life for me. This is not who I want to be.

At the risk of leaning into non-prochoice territory, you seem to have appropriate regret for your offence. You did the crime, did the time. And now have to move on. Totally respect if you inisist that CTB is your only option, but I always hate to see young people go out early rather than fight.

I've been at the other end of a stalking issue, longterm post separation abuse arranged by an ex, and it ruined every aspect of my life. My children were taken (which was the primary killer), my career sabotaged. I was smeared, cyberstalked, harassed by proxy. And after over a decade of it, and failed attempts, have just had enough, so am here.

I had a shitty childhood which I escaped and then a great life until I picked the wrong partner, separated and her campaign started. Now I've attempted numerous times, got nothing much left, but am older, constant physical pain, and just tired, have had enough of enduring it.

Thing was though, I lived pretty well in the decades between childhood abuse and post-separation abuse, so am content enough to go now.

At thirty, whatever you've done, you've still got options. Will be hard, but they are there for you to push through. Otherwise you define your whole life by one, what looks like an obsessive type mistake. Idk are you spectrum at all? That seems to be a condition which might lead to that offence, esp if you're academic also.

I wish you the best. Try not to go too dark side on it. Things fade in time, you have options. Meanwhile, try to get some joy back - music, games, whatever. Do the Libra balancing act. Learn something new. Live cheap, forget the job for the moment. Try this site, has a LOT of distractions. Welcome • freemediaheckyeah

Get drunk, take drugs, relive your youth. Be selfish for a while. Just try to put the shit behind you and be a better person, then maybe in ten years time you'll look back at this and go, well fuck, thank god I didn't CTB then!

Good luck to you. Take it easy.

 

[persepexa]

At the risk of leaning into non-prochoice territory, you seem to have appropriate regret for your offence. You did the crime, did the time. And now have to move on. Totally respect if you inisist that CTB is your only option, but I always hate to see young people go out early rather than fight.

I've been at the other end of a stalking issue, longterm post separation abuse arranged by an ex, and it ruined every aspect of my life. My children were taken (which was the primary killer), my career sabotaged. I was smeared, cyberstalked, harassed by proxy. And after over a decade of it, and failed attempts, have just had enough, so am here.

I had a shitty childhood which I escaped and then a great life until I picked the wrong partner, separated and her campaign started. Now I've attempted numerous times, got nothing much left, but am older, constant physical pain, and just tired, have had enough of enduring it.

Thing was though, I lived pretty well in the decades between childhood abuse and post-separation abuse, so am content enough to go now.

At thirty, whatever you've done, you've still got options. Will be hard, but they are there for you to push through. Otherwise you define your whole life by one, what looks like an obsessive type mistake. Idk are you spectrum at all? That seems to be a condition which might lead to that offence, esp if you're academic also.

I wish you the best. Try not to go too dark side on it. Things fade in time, you have options. Meanwhile, try to get some joy back - music, games, whatever. Do the Libra balancing act. Learn something new. Live cheap, forget the job for the moment. Try this site, has a LOT of distractions. Welcome • freemediaheckyeah

Get drunk, take drugs, relive your youth. Be selfish for a while. Just try to put the shit behind you and be a better person, then maybe in ten years time you'll look back at this and go, well fuck, thank god I didn't CTB then!

Good luck to you. Take it easy.

I really appreciate your kind words. I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you and I'm really sorry if my post reminded you of what happened to you.

To be honest it's not about doing your time. Having a criminal record is a life sentence that changes everything. I just want to erase every part of it. I want to go back 5 or 6 years and have a redo but that's not possible.

I was arrested in 2022. I got out of prison the end of 2023. I was discharged from hospital last January so it's been about a year. I did all the things you described. I got drunk, did some really hard drugs, went to parties, had sex, went on holiday, I even saw my favourite artist live. And it all just felt so empty.

I just can't get away from it. I've spoken to psychologists, taken medication and I still can't look at myself in the mirror. I went to an employment skills course, did a warehouse and logistics course, met with an employment specialist, had my CV professionally done up several times and I haven't even had an interview. Making friends is hard as well. Most of the people I met since getting out were ex-cons, former mental patients or were only interested in sex. I told one guy I was moving house and asked if he'd like to go for a drink before I moved and as soon as he realised I wouldn't be living close to him any more he blocked me. No joke.

Honestly I just don't want to be an ex-con. I want to be who I was before. A young professional with friends and a career and endless opportunities. I can barely look at myself now. I look back at pictures of myself, the little boy who got 10/10 on all his spelling tests, and think "Really? He's gonna go to prison?" I've destroyed myself. I've ruined my life. I took every good thing in my life and threw it all away like old gum.

I appreciate all your kind words but I just don't want to live with that.

 

[metfan647]

I know you seem totally hopeless right now but there's definitely a way to bounce back. It's been done countless times. Here's a post I recently saw on the UK Jobs Reddit sub (granted it's merely one solitary experience but it's proof that it's possible. Also, this example was of a 7-year sentence):

I have a drugs conviction and spent 7 years inside. I was released last year...

I had a previous professional career I can't go back to, so I had to think carefully about where to go.

I learned to code and built a load of projects for myself and for charities. I volunteered for a charity doing data analysis and built them some serious systems for free (custom dashboards displaying live data from an API, AI tools and a custom data scraper/search portal). I got a job as a QA automation engineer at a software company at the start of the year through networking via the charity. Since then I've already been promoted twice (in 8 months my salary has more than doubled) and I'm now their technical operations manager. I look after large scale data migration (building tools myself and working with developers and support teams) and automated regression testing plus some minor devops stuff (mainly setting up custom environments to test data migration stuff).

Don't think you can only do construction/hospitality. If you're determined you can probably find a niche somewhere but it'll take some hard work to get there.

 

[persepexa]

I know you seem totally hopeless right now but there's definitely a way to bounce back. It's been done countless times. Here's a post I recently saw on the UK Jobs Reddit sub (granted it's merely one solitary experience but it's proof that it's possible. Also, this example was of a 7-year sentence):

I have a drugs conviction and spent 7 years inside. I was released last year...

I had a previous professional career I can't go back to, so I had to think carefully about where to go.

I learned to code and built a load of projects for myself and for charities. I volunteered for a charity doing data analysis and built them some serious systems for free (custom dashboards displaying live data from an API, AI tools and a custom data scraper/search portal). I got a job as a QA automation engineer at a software company at the start of the year through networking via the charity. Since then I've already been promoted twice (in 8 months my salary has more than doubled) and I'm now their technical operations manager. I look after large scale data migration (building tools myself and working with developers and support teams) and automated regression testing plus some minor devops stuff (mainly setting up custom environments to test data migration stuff).

Don't think you can only do construction/hospitality. If you're determined you can probably find a niche somewhere but it'll take some hard work to get there.

Yeah people definitely bounce back 100%. The thing is I don't want to.A job wouldn't take away the guilt and shame I feel. It wouldn't take back all the awful things I've done. I've done courses, retrained, it hasn't helped unfortunately. I just don't want to go through life carrying the weight of the past few years. I'm not sure I'm quite conveying my feelings tbh and maybe I focused too much on employment but like I look in the mirror now and all I see is the person who stalked a really nice man until he left his job and moved to a new city. I see the person who was arrested and put in an armoured van. I see the person who spent time in a cell and spoke to rapists and murderers. When I got out I discovered the guy I was good friends with and spent all my association time with wasn't a drug dealer but a pdf file. Maybe if I really tried hard I could turn my life around but if I'm being honest with myself, I don't want the person I've become to have a good life. I don't want that person to exist at all. Sometimes I can fool myself into thinking things are back to normal but nothing feels normal any more. Nothing feels right. The psychologist told me to get over it and I really wish it were that simple. We'll see how I feel when my SN arrives I suppose but I feel firm in my decision. I don't want this life.

 

[metfan647]

You've been through a lot. Don't think my mental health could survive even a week of prison. Incidentally, you're a lot more resilient than you think.

 

[persepexa]

You've been through a lot. Don't think my mental health could survive even a week of prison. Incidentally, you're a lot more resilient than you think.

Thank you. My mental health was awful in prison. It's only lately I'm starting to feel normal again and I think that's why I'm just now coming to terms with everything that has happened. I don't think I was processing things before. You kind of go into survival mode and detach from it. Now I'm not in survival mode any more I can see things for what they are. I might be resilient but I don't want to bounce back from it. I want to erase it, make it as if it never happened.

 

[metfan647]

Thank you. My mental health was awful in prison. It's only lately I'm starting to feel normal again and I think that's why I'm just now coming to terms with everything that has happened. I don't think I was processing things before. You kind of go into survival mode and detach from it. Now I'm not in survival mode any more I can see things for what they are. I might be resilient but I don't want to bounce back from it. I want to erase it, make it as if it never happened.

I get it. I find myself playing devil's advocate here sometimes. I don't know why. I want to engage and interact with certain threads but I can't bring myself to write something that could be in any sense actively encouraging someone. This is the case even though I'd not want to be the recipient of such messages. The subconscious mind has a lot to answer for.

Kudos on finding a SN source.

 

[persepexa]

I get it. I find myself playing devil's advocate here sometimes. I don't know why. I want to engage and interact with certain threads but I can't bring myself to write something that could be in any sense actively encouraging someone. This is the case even though I'd not want to be the recipient of such messages. The subconscious mind has a lot to answer for.

Kudos on finding a SN source.

No I completely get it. When you read some posts it's only natural to want to reassure them and want to help in some way and it's very kind of you, honestly. I just don't want to be an ex-con. Like I don't want it to be part of my life, I don't want anything associated with it.

And thanks. It took a long time. But I only ordered it today. We'll see if it actually arrives lol.

 

[ToANewWorld]

I am so sorry. I dont have a criminal record but a rare condition has disabled me enough that I can't work a regular job. Surgeon that lost his hands in an accident sort of thing.

It is extremely depressing because without money there is no "life" to build. Is your background technical?

 

[persepexa]

I am so sorry. I dont have a criminal record but a rare condition has disabled me enough that I can't work a regular job. Surgeon that lost his hands in an accident sort of thing.

It is extremely depressing because without money there is no "life" to build. Is your background technical?

I'm so sorry to hear that, that's awful. It really does rob you of any sense of purpose or any identity or social network you might find through work. It's just a normal thing to ask a new person "So what do you do?" and "I'm unemployed" isn't a good answer. Like even if the other person doesn't judge you it just makes you less likely to continue speaking. That's been my experience anyway. It's very isolating especially when you're otherwise able to work. Like I'm fit and healthy and reasonably intelligent, by all accounts I should be working. Idk.

Also no my background wasn't technical. I don't want to say anything about it other than it requires a clean criminal record. It's also very specific. Like I trained specifically to do this job and this job only. I have no other training or qualifications or experience on my CV other than a warehouse and logistics course I did last year. Getting a job is really hard nowadays anyway without disabilities or criminal records or other factors standing in your way. The thing is if I didn't have a criminal record, it would be easy to get back into my old field even with the 4 year gap that is currently on my CV. The irony.

 

[InevitableDeath]

I really appreciate your kind words. I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you and I'm really sorry if my post reminded you of what happened to you.

To be honest it's not about doing your time. Having a criminal record is a life sentence that changes everything. I just want to erase every part of it. I want to go back 5 or 6 years and have a redo but that's not possible.

I was arrested in 2022. I got out of prison the end of 2023. I was discharged from hospital last January so it's been about a year. I did all the things you described. I got drunk, did some really hard drugs, went to parties, had sex, went on holiday, I even saw my favourite artist live. And it all just felt so empty.

I just can't get away from it. I've spoken to psychologists, taken medication and I still can't look at myself in the mirror. I went to an employment skills course, did a warehouse and logistics course, met with an employment specialist, had my CV professionally done up several times and I haven't even had an interview. Making friends is hard as well. Most of the people I met since getting out were ex-cons, former mental patients or were only interested in sex. I told one guy I was moving house and asked if he'd like to go for a drink before I moved and as soon as he realised I wouldn't be living close to him any more he blocked me. No joke.

Honestly I just don't want to be an ex-con. I want to be who I was before. A young professional with friends and a career and endless opportunities. I can barely look at myself now. I look back at pictures of myself, the little boy who got 10/10 on all his spelling tests, and think "Really? He's gonna go to prison?" I've destroyed myself. I've ruined my life. I took every good thing in my life and threw it all away like old gum.

I appreciate all your kind words but I just don't want to live with that.

yeah, fair enough. The world's shit, people are cunts. Fake family and friends especially. Absolute fucking pieces of shit. Everybody betrays you. You're probably right. I've failed four attempts npw, next one Is the charm. Gonna sttle a few scores first for the sake of balance. That's it now. Hope you find some peace too.

 

[persepexa]

yeah, fair enough. The world's shit, people are cunts. Fake family and friends especially. Absolute fucking pieces of shit. Everybody betrays you. You're probably right. I've failed four attempts npw, next one Is the charm. Gonna sttle a few scores first for the sake of balance. That's it now. Hope you find some peace too.

Honest.y settling scores is never worth it. My advice is to focus on yourself. Revenge is never a good motivation for anything. But I hope you find peace. And yeah the world is shit and someone's world is much much worse because they met me. I can't cope with that. Good luck.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Revenge is worth it, believe fucking me. It is worth it. You haven't had your children taken and destroyed. I'm not dying without avenging that.