Venting Everything that went wrong in my life must be the punishment for not killing myself last year

[octopusinu]

Just lost my rabbit and currently devastated with my heart broken into a million pieces rn, I never realized how much more lonely and painful living is without her. She was the one who followed me around wherever i go and gave me a reason to get up everyday to take care of her and do cleaning, when I have panic attacks she would come sit on my chest to calm me down and she lets me pet and rub my face on her belly to destress. Weird thing to say about a rabbit but she was Incredibly smart and emotionally aware. She was also so energetic and mischievous and food motivated. She tolerated my depression and crashouts. It was horrible seeing her struggling to even hold herself up and wobbling. She tried her best to eat and drink to make me feel better when she was sick. Parents don't talk to me anymore, I have no irl friends and cannot vent to the few online friends i have. I can't even get out of bed or do anything, its painful to even be lucid, all I can do is zone out all day to try to not think about it. I stil instinctively look for her when I go back to my room and watch my feet to not step on her. Theres still uneaten rabbit food, hay, and vegetables in the fridge, her water dish is still full. But she's not here anymore. I'm probably a horrible person. Maybe if I took her to the vet sooner she could have lived. She held on for so long for me and only when I went outside to get ready to take her to the vet did she draw her last breath, I would like to think she didn't want me to see her dying. Her body was still so soft and I held on to her until she became stiff. If i killed myself last year maybe she would have been in better care and lived a full life. If I didn't try to make my life better and just killed myself literally any day earlier nothing would go wrong and I wouldn't be in agony. Can't die yet because still have work to finish, its gonna be an agonizing and unbearable four months before I can finally kms and go see her again. Whatever I say wouldn;t bring her back.I hate life.

 

[nool]

I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounded like a great companion. It sounded like you two had a deep bond. Grieving a beloved pet is rough and I wish you all the best

 

[vampire2002]

i'm so sorry. it must be unimaginably painful. but from how you described her when she was well, she seems to have truly trusted, loved, and enjoyed being around you. i'm sure she lived a happy life alongside you while she was there, and at the very least maybe you can take some small comfort in that.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm so sorry for the loss. I believe you rabbit had found the happiness and reassurance she needed from you. It's not meaningless that you didn't ctb last year. You don't deserve to be punished because you are such a kind soul.