Dying won't make people regret how they treated you or magically appreciate you or attempt to understand you

[Exhausted546]

They'll just push their narrative and it'll be treated as the ultimate truth. There's nobody that will defend your memory/honor after death, you'll quickly be forgotten by most and the ones who do love you and did hurt from your death will start taking solace when you cross their mind less and less, they'll have to let go in order to move on and survive

Ironically enough, despite knowing all that, I still choose to ctb, it's not really any different from my reality beside the fact that I won't be struggling or be there to endure humiliation anymore. Personally,this is just a cursed timeline that can't be salvaged anymore. I'm exhausted and throw the towel.

 

[Aknu132]

I agree 100% with you.

 

[Scaredycat]

Mostly shock factor, but yeah, you wont be there to watch peoples reactions. this frightens me sometimes, but I'm sure I wont care if i reach my breaking point.

 

[DeathfulEnd]

This is the whole truth!

 

[peacebenow]

I grapple with this constantly. And so very much so right now. I loathe false narratives and that they won't stop after i am gone. And not being here to defend myself makes me livid. But I've fought tooth and nail for true narratives and winning isn't allowed when narcissism and denialism is at play. The thing is we always know our truth. And we will be gone so the fight is over. And maybe it was already over when life was sucked out of us and our peace became essential.

 

[ceilng_tile]

This is the part that makes me the angriest. Sometimes it feels like a violent death is the only way to make people hear me. But I also know that it probably won't work for more than five minutes and then they'll just go back to the narrative that I was just too unstable and beyond help, not that their "help" was the source of my trauma in the first place.

 

[inpainnosleep]

I grapple with this constantly. And so very much so right now. I loathe false narratives and that they won't stop after i am gone. And not being here to defend myself makes me livid. But I've fought tooth and nail for true narratives and winning isn't allowed when narcissism and denialism is at play. The thing is we always know our truth. And we will be gone so the fight is over. And maybe it was already over when life was sucked out of us and our peace became essential.

I wanted to write something about this topic, but this is pretty much what I wanted to write out to a t. Even with everything I'm struggling with right now, my parents still think I had/have an easy life and that I was always the problem and that they were wonderful parents, especially my mom. Regardless of how much I try to explain what and why things went wrong. The main reason my mother got a little more active in my current problems is because her extended family started to sound the alarm that I'm suicidaly depressed, even though depression is not even my main problem.

 

[Bishop]

One shouldn't think of exiting for them, it's about doing it for yourself. Your body your choice.

 

[windowinstaller]

This is the part that makes me the angriest. Sometimes it feels like a violent death is the only way to make people hear me. But I also know that it probably won't work for more than five minutes and then they'll just go back to the narrative that I was just too unstable and beyond help, not that their "help" was the source of my trauma in the first place.

Was their "help" just forcing you to take meds that ruined your life too.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Most people are mostly garbage and they construct a reality that suits their garbage needs. Today I had to step outside and deal with other humans and it was another horrible experience. They all just care about being able to tell a story that places them in a flattering position somehow, mainly by claiming superiority over others in various competitions. They take pleasure in other people's misfortune and suffering because it reassures them that they are better off and in their minds, intrinsically superior, no matter how delusional. As long as the delusion can be sustained they go with it.

 

[SASU-KE]

Dying will make people talk about you for a few minutes and then move on. It happens every day.

 

[iwkmsssb]

it sucks that life will still go on even after ctb, maybe it's selfish of me for wanting the people around me to stay stuck on me for the rest of their lives. for not seeing or hearing me all these years. but they will move on eventually and i will only be a memory. i can only do it for myself.

 

[Oiled Sandwich]

I understand how you feel. No one even knows the real me anyway, so I couldn't care less if they make up whatever narrative they want after I ctb. All I know is I want to not exist so I don't have to lie to everyone by continuously code switching. Masks get old.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think this is a motive for some people to suicide in the first place? In the hopes that people will finally take an interest in and appreciate them? But then- they very well may not get to witness it (depending on whether there is an afterlife) so- why is it even valuable? Although, I can understand the frustration at the thought that people will continue to spin their own narratives.

I'm not sure in all cases. Some people seem to become obsessed with loved ones who suicided. Although, it probably varies- just how accurately they remember them and seek to live according to their wishes.

Again though- it does tend to make me wonder- did they care that much when they were alive? Surely- that was the more useful time to care. It's ironic that some people will end up more cared about after they are dead and can't benefit from it. Again- according to beliefs.

I guess it also depends what we hope for. Do we actually want to devastate our loved ones? So they are never able to move on and live their own lives? It would be nice to be remembered fondly but to think our actions may dominate a loved one's thoughts forever more isn't exactly reassuring.

 

[ceilng_tile]

Was their "help" just forcing you to take meds that ruined your life too.

Their "help" was forcing me into mental health monitoring by people who were mostly substance abuse specialists and who knew nothing about autism (which was the reason I was referred). Even though they knew I had no substance problems they still treated me like a criminal and accused me of "non-compliance" every time I tried to advocate for myself. They did strongly push medication and when I gave in, the medication just made everything worse. (Especially stimulants. I had such a low appetite that after two months my executive functioning actually got worse because I was so malnourished.)

 

[ForeverLonely82]

This and also people will use it for what you have to be used for and once your use has worn out they will fuck off. Remember that. This modern world is a shit hole and it will just continue to get worse and it will never change true. people are garbage

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

sure, some of them will also say: "see, he had mental problems. He was so hard to deal with".
I don't care if the people that damaged me do not understand the amount of pain that they caused.

What bothers me most is people that would profit from my death:
inheritance of money -> one should carefully plan to donate them, to avoid that they are inherited by someone you don't want to
knowledge and documents left behind at the workplace -> this is the one I hate most: the employer getting access to all my documents and distributing them to colleagues
Both cases are like hyenas waiting to jump on the carcass of a dead animal

 

[EndlessRage]

They'll just push their narrative and it'll be treated as the ultimate truth. There's nobody that will defend your memory/honor after death, you'll quickly be forgotten by most and the ones who do love you and did hurt from your death will start taking solace when you cross their mind less and less, they'll have to let go in order to move on and survive

Ironically enough, despite knowing all that, I still choose to ctb, it's not really any different from my reality beside the fact that I won't be struggling or be there to endure humiliation anymore. Personally,this is just a cursed timeline that can't be salvaged anymore. I'm exhausted and throw the towel.

If they didn't care about me when i was alive why would they care when i'm gone from the world?

 

[Fadenself00_]

This and also people will use it for what you have to be used for and once your use has worn out they will fuck off. Remember that. This modern world is a shit hole and it will just continue to get worse and it will never change true. people are garbage

And the people who do feel very deeply, are also the ones being fucked over the most in this society..
Dumb normies will only think surface-level. They will never wonder about all of this, complexity of society, people like us.. They dehumanize and label, without any actual self reflection, never questioning their own intelligence/way of thinking...

Truly abysmal

 

[urgent]

My physical pain has become so brutal 24/7 I can't think about anything else but finding a way to end this pain. I just need the pain to stop. No one understands how painful it is. I've seen people say at least you don't have cancer. I've had cancer it was less painful and could be treated! I really wish someone was able to help me end it now!

 

[ForeverLonely82]

And the people who do feel very deeply, are also the ones being fucked over the most in this society..
Dumb normies will only think surface-level. They will never wonder about all of this, complexity of society, people like us.. They dehumanize and label, without any actual self reflection, never questioning their own intelligence/way of thinking...

Truly abysmal

Spot on. Society and life as a whole truly does suck. They can't be bothered with people who are going through some shit or people who are just in general suffering with no help and no helping hand they preach all this love crap online and it's all just a bunch of dopamine chasing when there's really no genuine feeling behind it. Normies can fuck off.

 

[moon2bright]

Exactly. So fuck em, die how you like.

 

[Lemelonade]

My trauma is family stuff. A lot of it transgenerational, some probably pre-natal. My parents never hurt me intentionally. Life happened, mistakes were made I guess. Everybody makes mistakes, we're human. Also, I'm a very sensitive person who takes a lot of things to heart that others might just gloss over.

So I don't want to make anyone regret their behaviour out of revenge. I don't want to hurt them. I do want them to understand, but at the same time I don't. Trying to understand me will inevitably hurt them. Even I don't understand myself, so how would they ever understand me?

I just want to go home and be free. It's okay if people say that I ctb because I was "mentally ill", insane or weak or whatever. They're doing it because they are protecting themselves and that is fine.

Nevertheless, I will try to explain myself one last time in my final letters. Maybe that will give them some closure.

 

[ConstantPain]

I agree with all of you that even the people who somewhat care will forget about us really quickly and move on. People only show love, care, or truly listen if it's somehow convenient or rewarding to them.
I'm fine with no one remembering me, it actually seems peaceful to think of a time there will be no recognition of me in the world at all. Unfortunately, I have some rage that I want to further influence certain people's lives. I've worked in the human service field for close to 3 decades for organizations that claim to care about people and exist to improve their lives. The Executive Director's make good money and yet, as my direct supervisors, never met with me, they didn't even do minimal supervision sessions that are supposed to occur. They never wrote me up or asked me how things were going, they just abruptly said we're done with you. They did none of the things they espouse, no "trauma-informed care" BS that they preach. I want a light shown on what jokes these providers are, on their disregard and ultimately, their dismissal of mental health conditions. I can only hope that for the rest of their working lives my death can leave a stain on their reputations.

 

[Exhausted546]

My trauma is family stuff. A lot of it transgenerational, some probably pre-natal. My parents never hurt me intentionally. Life happened, mistakes were made I guess. Everybody makes mistakes, we're human. Also, I'm a very sensitive person who takes a lot of things to heart that others might just gloss over.

So I don't want to make anyone regret their behaviour out of revenge. I don't want to hurt them. I do want them to understand, but at the same time I don't. Trying to understand me will inevitably hurt them. Even I don't understand myself, so how would they ever understand me?

I just want to go home and be free. It's okay if people say that I ctb because I was "mentally ill", insane or weak or whatever. They're doing it because they are protecting themselves and that is fine.

Nevertheless, I will try to explain myself one last time in my final letters. Maybe that will give them some closure.

My trauma is also family stuff. I should have fought like a rabid dog when I still had fight in me, I should have cut them off aside from 1 sibling,I didn't understand my family would just behave like hyenas when I collapsed and was deeply traumatized. I wish I gave alot less importance to my siblings. Anyway it's too late for all that. Aside from a single sibling, they didn't mind hurting me continuously this past decade, mocking and dismissing the same traumas eating me alive and ruining my life,I don't really care anymore TBH. They'll just curse me and triple down after my death,never recognizing any wrongdoings ,they never will, at least I won't be here to deal with the disaster of a miserable mediocre life I'll have to deal with as a consequence of it all, while they thrived happily for the past decade, I've been going through hell ever since these events. I'm done fighting,I know they won in the end, I don't care either anymore.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

They'll just push their narrative and it'll be treated as the ultimate truth. There's nobody that will defend your memory/honor after death, you'll quickly be forgotten by most and the ones who do love you and did hurt from your death will start taking solace when you cross their mind less and less, they'll have to let go in order to move on and survive

Ironically enough, despite knowing all that, I still choose to ctb, it's not really any different from my reality beside the fact that I won't be struggling or be there to endure humiliation anymore. Personally,this is just a cursed timeline that can't be salvaged anymore. I'm exhausted and throw the towel.

It sucks that it's true. You can thrash and complain all you want and yet no one has stepped in, so why would anyone care in death really? I feel like that's the reason some of us want to CTB. Maybe we care too much, maybe we want too much, and the reality of life is too much to bare. I truly don't feel like I'm cut out for life, I don't want it.

 

[DeadnDusted]

Yep, this makes me even more frustrated but my only silver lining regarding it is that we will cease to exist as a species someday so even their cruelty, legacy and false narratives will evaporate eventually as well.

 

[madameviolette]

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