Venting Don't want to live, can't kms, just want to rot in bed (vent)

[sleeplessboyinbed]

Life: I think i lost my will to live the moment i gained consciousness. Life never sounded appealing. If i think about living even for a second i want to distract myself immediately. Im constantly exhausted and can't even get up from bed for most of the time. Because of that, my life is in ruins. Im so behind everyone and it's pointless for me to start. The trans thing isn't giving me hope either. Logically speaking, im better off dead.
Death: I know the logical solutions is to die but im so afraid. Not even of death. Im scared of surviving an attempt. I don't have a method that is even 90% reliable so my fears aren't irrational.
Right now, im "living" like this: wake up, eat something, bed rot, maybe draw something, bed rot, sleep. I don't mind it but i won't be able to do this all my life. Well i could if i died right now. Watching youtube videos and reading my favourite manga is the only thing i can be bothered to do. I like drawing my favourite characters and it's the only time i can say im happy. But i need to think about getting my life together... Which i don't want to do. Im drowning in escapism and i hope it will take me completely.
In conclusion, I wish bedrotting was deadly because i can't do this anymore.

 

[charlavail]

i feel this to my core. i literally wake up, rot, maybe eat something, do any immediate work so I don't get fired, take a unisom and a benzo, sleep for like 5 hours, rot more, and then take more meds to sleep I'm like barely existing.