Kai64
He/Him, lost all hope
- Mar 16, 2026
- 20
Hello everyone, this is my true first post i decided to do here, telling about the story of my life from when i was born all the way to the current days after i discovered and joined this website.
(Even if i consider myself almost a fluent in English, please apologies for some of my mistakes i might type)
I actually have been in this website for a few days as of now, however i have been only commenting in other people's posts and making some not interesting posts and questions, i wanted to make this website like my personal diary. The reason? I want to archive the last moments of my life here before ctb. Even if i decide to stop it for some reason, i want it to still keep up here.
WARNING
This story contains mentions and descriptions of Grooming/Pedophilia, heavy manipulation (Both from online users and parents) and Parental violence, if you suffered a similar experience to one of those and have trauma of that, i personally wouldn't recommend you to read this if you already have a marked day to ctb.
With all that said, i hope you manage to finish this until the end, because oh boy the story is long and graphical on some parts.
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Everything starts in 2007. When me (Who prefers to be called Kai) was born from my mother at the hospital. My mother told me i used to cry a lot in the night and that she would always need to calm me down, but besides that i had a very normal initial life and chilldhood in my first years after i was born.
Things however started getting a little worrying after i joined my first school.
(Even if i consider myself almost a fluent in English, please apologies for some of my mistakes i might type)
I actually have been in this website for a few days as of now, however i have been only commenting in other people's posts and making some not interesting posts and questions, i wanted to make this website like my personal diary. The reason? I want to archive the last moments of my life here before ctb. Even if i decide to stop it for some reason, i want it to still keep up here.
WARNINGThis story contains mentions and descriptions of Grooming/Pedophilia, heavy manipulation (Both from online users and parents) and Parental violence, if you suffered a similar experience to one of those and have trauma of that, i personally wouldn't recommend you to read this if you already have a marked day to ctb.
With all that said, i hope you manage to finish this until the end, because oh boy the story is long and graphical on some parts.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Everything starts in 2007. When me (Who prefers to be called Kai) was born from my mother at the hospital. My mother told me i used to cry a lot in the night and that she would always need to calm me down, but besides that i had a very normal initial life and chilldhood in my first years after i was born.
Things however started getting a little worrying after i joined my first school.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
At the first day of school i would cry out calling my mother, something that's fairly normal considering i was basically a child back then and was still learning things from the world, however, at that time i was already partially anti-social as i used to do everything all on my own, take my lunch alone and i would frequently refuse to do group projects (Only in a few rare times i would be forced to do). It was only a few months later that i would get used to going to school and to be without my mother for hours, also when i made my first friend. The reason why me and him got friends is actually a bit funny haha, basically we were in a physical education class and i was losing a lot to someone i will refer as P.
P and i would become rivals at that same day and would say shit back and forth to each other (We were at the similar age, so still stupid kids lol), until we got into a fight and bite each other, we went to the principal's office and, surprisingly, after that day me and P became best friends and our friendship lasted for years. P was a nice person but just as anti-social as me, he would not talk with the other kids and exclusively with me, me and P would maintain a good friendship for those years as our interests were very similar, until he eventually left the state because his mother moved back to the state where her cousins, sisters and mostly of her family lived and, as far as i remember, she couldn't sustain living here anymore. That news got me and i got depressed since, at the time he left, i was already depressed by other things that were happening in my life (That i will tell later in this post), but eventually me and my mother decided to stay with P, his mother and his dad at the airport waiting them to go. That was a heartbreaking moment for me, as i never managed to find a friend like P ever again. (He was my only real friend i ever had)
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Anyway, my first year on school went very normal from now and on besides being slightly more anti social than the other students, then i moved to the second school.
My academic life there as part of me studying, my notes, was normal besides some notes that were under the average of my past school. However, there was a problematic student there that always seemed to hate me, i will refer him as 'K'. K was a very problematic student that would always get himself into fights and would refuse to obey our teachers, he would always bully me when he could, and that started out of nowhere and i have no idea why as i never did something to him, neither P suffered some kind if bullying from him. It got to the point where K's parents were called many times due to the bullying i received, but they would pretend they gave a damn and would just ignore his behaviors. Later after i left from the school i discovered K was suspended from the school and moved to a one from the military, from this point and on i never heard anything from him ever again.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Moving now to the third school.
it had the most normal beginning, besides some childish things i did like hiding stuff from my classmates on other bags for no reason lol, except by a student there that had autism (like me, but i wasn't aware of my condition at that time) that always tried to form a friendship with me for some reason but i always refused to and they would get all pissed off and sometimes would try to beat me (They never really did beat me since the school already knew about his violent behavior and the teachers would always pay a special attention to him closer to any of the other students). It was also around this time that i began to question my sexuality, after having horrible experiences with christianity, and when my first signs of depression began to appear. I was always being questioned and said that everything i did, my choices and customs were very weird and not conventional, this made me try to forcefully be normal, i tried to stop my "zoomies" i had sometimes my hitting myself in the head with my hands or slamming against the nearest wall, i cut my friendship with some girl that was a nerd from another class and i talked to her everyday. I began to act more serious and get aggressive on my answers, leading me to get warned several times in class (Although not to the point where i would be removed from the class or something, since i always knew that i needed to behave myself no matter what). Besides everything this third school was the best one i studied in, i made strong friendships with almost all of the teachers there as they we would change ideas with each other so well.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Moving to the fourth school.
It was from this point and on my depression began to get even stronger.
Around this time my mother was unfortunately running out of money, she spent a lot of money on lawnyers due to a legal dispute between her and the state due to her being unfairly paid by the state even after she became a master teacher (I dunno if this is what you guys call someone with a master's degree), and she had to unfortunately remove me from my third school due to her not being able to pay for that school anymore, moving me to a public school, where the nightmare started.
At the first moment it began normal, however, i realized this school allowed everyone to use phones freely and i began to do so, which led me to completely ignore the classes and basically learn nothing for a whole year and a half. Plus, i began to get more chronically online on Discord due to me starting to suffer heavy verbal bullying around this time due to my customs and zoomies i had, it was also around this time i also started to join Telegram groups of MAP's (minor attracted people) and i got groomed (I was 16 when i got groomed for the first time), i was induced to send photos of my genital parts to the group and do nsfw roleplays with adults there that would "use me as their cum bucket", along with other minors who were there.
Wanna know the funniest part? I knew what i was doing was wrong, but i decided to stay there and follow everything anyway because my mother would not simply give me attention due to her overworking almost 14 hours per day to sustain ourselves at home, i was getting progressively depressed and more closed until it reached a point i simply refused to do homeworks and obey my school teachers, completely ignoring them.
It was also around this time i was diagnosticated with autism, which led me to feel even worse as that made me feel even more like i was indeed the type of weird kid in the class, so i started to push myself even more to forcefully act normal.
It was only a year and a half later that she finally noticed my state, due to me having my biggest crisis i ever had, where i started quietly crying on class and i started feeling nauseous because of lack of oxygen, it was in the fourth class (The teacher of that class was a close friend to my mom) that the teacher noticed i was having a crisis and decided to call my mom. At home my mother and i had a big conversation about what happened, i explained everything to her and she said she had understood and removed me from the school, then 2 months later she put me back to the third school, even if she was having huge difficult paying for it, but it was already too late, i was basically permanently affected by this point and i couldn't be helped anymore, even if the 7 students (yes, we were only 7) were all there to help me, i was already fucked up in the head.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Now to my current situation.
After the whole trauma of 2023 and 2024 i finally decided to try and get myself to feel better and kick those suicide thoughts in 2025, as this would be the year i was starting my first university and i was really excited for it, however, when the lessons began, i noticed my very self hasn't changed. I began to feel anxious and have internal panic attacks, even if almost everyone there were around the same age as me back then (18) and wouldn't do anything, that trauma just still stick with me, so i began to hide in online spaces as well.
After noticing that i didn't change i quickly asked my mother to take me out of the uni, as this one was paid and i didn't wanted ler to lose more money, more than she was already losing at that time.
This also leads me to my mom.
She's...someone complicated, like really complicated to explain.
She's someone so sweet, caring and loves to help my family members and her closest friends as possible. She's at her 50s and yet she is still as active and happy.
However, there's a serious big issue with her: She isn't totally stable in terms of patience, understanding and angry.
"How so?" You may ask.
Well, she always had this type of temperament since i was a kid, she would almost always try to teach me things using violence if i didn't understand at first.
Whenever i always question her about it, she always tell me it was because my grandma did that to her and 'she turned into a better woman thanks to how my grandma threatened her'.
Those days she also has been getting addicted into those Netflix korean series, not to the point she's dependent by the way, but she's so much attatched to those korean series that now she's watching it almost every single night, watching them before she goes to sleep (which is around 11:00 pm). She refuses to watch funny videos with me now either:
- due to her being busy watching that extremely false netflix korean series.
- or she's too sleepy to watch anything due to her watching those series for too long.
That also led me to this decision, since, although she still sees me as her son, based on what she has been doing recently, does she really see me as her son? Or simply as a weight that she needs to hold onto until i manage to sustain myself alone?
I was also extremely victimist online back on 2023 - 2025 (When i was on my fourth and went to the third school again), i simply couldn't keep a straight talking to my friends online without saying something weird, victimist or that implied that i loved to self harm.
Well, not a surprise to be honest, i used to cut myself with pencils back then until i started to bleed. Surprisingly though my mother seemingly never noticed my self harm tendencies.
Nowadays i don't self harm myself physically, instead, i self harm myself mentally, i let my mind go wild when no one is around me and i start having lots and lots of panic attacks, i do this self mental harm every single day to myself as a punishment for everything i've done back then, for being victimist, manipulative and weird, until i finally decide to ctb.
This website will be used as a personal diary, every week, every two weeks (i don't know) i will post here on several of the forums of this website. This was the first part telling about my personal life and what led me to want to ctb.
I have like 2 months until i start to execute my plan to kill myself at once, painless.
Well, thank you for reading this until the end, it was supposed to be posted way earlier but typing this in my home pc without my mother seeing, on my university pc without my teacher noticing and on my phone (which's not well optimized for the website haha) was a bit difficulty, but i managed to at least hehe.
Well, i will link the other parts here when i release them on the other forums.
Unfunny fun fact of the day: DOML means 'Diary of my life', it came in my head kinda in the first moments i started writing this post haha
Music of the day:
P and i would become rivals at that same day and would say shit back and forth to each other (We were at the similar age, so still stupid kids lol), until we got into a fight and bite each other, we went to the principal's office and, surprisingly, after that day me and P became best friends and our friendship lasted for years. P was a nice person but just as anti-social as me, he would not talk with the other kids and exclusively with me, me and P would maintain a good friendship for those years as our interests were very similar, until he eventually left the state because his mother moved back to the state where her cousins, sisters and mostly of her family lived and, as far as i remember, she couldn't sustain living here anymore. That news got me and i got depressed since, at the time he left, i was already depressed by other things that were happening in my life (That i will tell later in this post), but eventually me and my mother decided to stay with P, his mother and his dad at the airport waiting them to go. That was a heartbreaking moment for me, as i never managed to find a friend like P ever again. (He was my only real friend i ever had)
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Anyway, my first year on school went very normal from now and on besides being slightly more anti social than the other students, then i moved to the second school.
My academic life there as part of me studying, my notes, was normal besides some notes that were under the average of my past school. However, there was a problematic student there that always seemed to hate me, i will refer him as 'K'. K was a very problematic student that would always get himself into fights and would refuse to obey our teachers, he would always bully me when he could, and that started out of nowhere and i have no idea why as i never did something to him, neither P suffered some kind if bullying from him. It got to the point where K's parents were called many times due to the bullying i received, but they would pretend they gave a damn and would just ignore his behaviors. Later after i left from the school i discovered K was suspended from the school and moved to a one from the military, from this point and on i never heard anything from him ever again.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Moving now to the third school.
it had the most normal beginning, besides some childish things i did like hiding stuff from my classmates on other bags for no reason lol, except by a student there that had autism (like me, but i wasn't aware of my condition at that time) that always tried to form a friendship with me for some reason but i always refused to and they would get all pissed off and sometimes would try to beat me (They never really did beat me since the school already knew about his violent behavior and the teachers would always pay a special attention to him closer to any of the other students). It was also around this time that i began to question my sexuality, after having horrible experiences with christianity, and when my first signs of depression began to appear. I was always being questioned and said that everything i did, my choices and customs were very weird and not conventional, this made me try to forcefully be normal, i tried to stop my "zoomies" i had sometimes my hitting myself in the head with my hands or slamming against the nearest wall, i cut my friendship with some girl that was a nerd from another class and i talked to her everyday. I began to act more serious and get aggressive on my answers, leading me to get warned several times in class (Although not to the point where i would be removed from the class or something, since i always knew that i needed to behave myself no matter what). Besides everything this third school was the best one i studied in, i made strong friendships with almost all of the teachers there as they we would change ideas with each other so well.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Moving to the fourth school.
It was from this point and on my depression began to get even stronger.
Around this time my mother was unfortunately running out of money, she spent a lot of money on lawnyers due to a legal dispute between her and the state due to her being unfairly paid by the state even after she became a master teacher (I dunno if this is what you guys call someone with a master's degree), and she had to unfortunately remove me from my third school due to her not being able to pay for that school anymore, moving me to a public school, where the nightmare started.
At the first moment it began normal, however, i realized this school allowed everyone to use phones freely and i began to do so, which led me to completely ignore the classes and basically learn nothing for a whole year and a half. Plus, i began to get more chronically online on Discord due to me starting to suffer heavy verbal bullying around this time due to my customs and zoomies i had, it was also around this time i also started to join Telegram groups of MAP's (minor attracted people) and i got groomed (I was 16 when i got groomed for the first time), i was induced to send photos of my genital parts to the group and do nsfw roleplays with adults there that would "use me as their cum bucket", along with other minors who were there.
Wanna know the funniest part? I knew what i was doing was wrong, but i decided to stay there and follow everything anyway because my mother would not simply give me attention due to her overworking almost 14 hours per day to sustain ourselves at home, i was getting progressively depressed and more closed until it reached a point i simply refused to do homeworks and obey my school teachers, completely ignoring them.
It was also around this time i was diagnosticated with autism, which led me to feel even worse as that made me feel even more like i was indeed the type of weird kid in the class, so i started to push myself even more to forcefully act normal.
It was only a year and a half later that she finally noticed my state, due to me having my biggest crisis i ever had, where i started quietly crying on class and i started feeling nauseous because of lack of oxygen, it was in the fourth class (The teacher of that class was a close friend to my mom) that the teacher noticed i was having a crisis and decided to call my mom. At home my mother and i had a big conversation about what happened, i explained everything to her and she said she had understood and removed me from the school, then 2 months later she put me back to the third school, even if she was having huge difficult paying for it, but it was already too late, i was basically permanently affected by this point and i couldn't be helped anymore, even if the 7 students (yes, we were only 7) were all there to help me, i was already fucked up in the head.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Now to my current situation.
After the whole trauma of 2023 and 2024 i finally decided to try and get myself to feel better and kick those suicide thoughts in 2025, as this would be the year i was starting my first university and i was really excited for it, however, when the lessons began, i noticed my very self hasn't changed. I began to feel anxious and have internal panic attacks, even if almost everyone there were around the same age as me back then (18) and wouldn't do anything, that trauma just still stick with me, so i began to hide in online spaces as well.
After noticing that i didn't change i quickly asked my mother to take me out of the uni, as this one was paid and i didn't wanted ler to lose more money, more than she was already losing at that time.
This also leads me to my mom.
She's...someone complicated, like really complicated to explain.
She's someone so sweet, caring and loves to help my family members and her closest friends as possible. She's at her 50s and yet she is still as active and happy.
However, there's a serious big issue with her: She isn't totally stable in terms of patience, understanding and angry.
"How so?" You may ask.
Well, she always had this type of temperament since i was a kid, she would almost always try to teach me things using violence if i didn't understand at first.
Whenever i always question her about it, she always tell me it was because my grandma did that to her and 'she turned into a better woman thanks to how my grandma threatened her'.
Those days she also has been getting addicted into those Netflix korean series, not to the point she's dependent by the way, but she's so much attatched to those korean series that now she's watching it almost every single night, watching them before she goes to sleep (which is around 11:00 pm). She refuses to watch funny videos with me now either:
- due to her being busy watching that extremely false netflix korean series.
- or she's too sleepy to watch anything due to her watching those series for too long.
That also led me to this decision, since, although she still sees me as her son, based on what she has been doing recently, does she really see me as her son? Or simply as a weight that she needs to hold onto until i manage to sustain myself alone?
I was also extremely victimist online back on 2023 - 2025 (When i was on my fourth and went to the third school again), i simply couldn't keep a straight talking to my friends online without saying something weird, victimist or that implied that i loved to self harm.
Well, not a surprise to be honest, i used to cut myself with pencils back then until i started to bleed. Surprisingly though my mother seemingly never noticed my self harm tendencies.
Nowadays i don't self harm myself physically, instead, i self harm myself mentally, i let my mind go wild when no one is around me and i start having lots and lots of panic attacks, i do this self mental harm every single day to myself as a punishment for everything i've done back then, for being victimist, manipulative and weird, until i finally decide to ctb.
This website will be used as a personal diary, every week, every two weeks (i don't know) i will post here on several of the forums of this website. This was the first part telling about my personal life and what led me to want to ctb.
I have like 2 months until i start to execute my plan to kill myself at once, painless.
Well, thank you for reading this until the end, it was supposed to be posted way earlier but typing this in my home pc without my mother seeing, on my university pc without my teacher noticing and on my phone (which's not well optimized for the website haha) was a bit difficulty, but i managed to at least hehe.
Well, i will link the other parts here when i release them on the other forums.
Unfunny fun fact of the day: DOML means 'Diary of my life', it came in my head kinda in the first moments i started writing this post haha
Music of the day:
I hope that either you find a way back to an ideal life or find solace and true happiness in your exit <3
