Venting Does it come in in waves for you or is it constant?

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I consider myself a strong individual. Yet, moments arise when it feels like the world is crashing down, sometimes lasting hours, days, or even weeks. I return to my stable baseline, maintaining internal strength despite external chaos. But when I break, I shatter—and I loathe that.

I'm resourceful, primarily by learning from others. I'm astounded by the depth of knowledge on this forum. In desperate moments, though, I find nothing to cling to but a longing to end the pain. My pride tells me to fight on, but I often question the point. I refuse to be controlled, yet I feel utterly helpless.

I reflect on my past apathy—almost evil—not from malicious acts but from inaction during my addictions. I rationalize that my former "evil" came from not understanding the value of being good. I sought death thoughtlessly because I felt worthless.

I try to fight against that. I try to find or create meaning where I can, but I always have an underlying current of nihilism and despondence at the tragedy of the world. Not just for myself, but for all of you. And all sentient beings who have to endure this absurdity.

It's ironic; when I was lost in darkness, everyone wanted to help. Now that I seek the light, it seems others want to hurt me. Perhaps I was meant for the shadows—like a vampire trying to grasp the sun.

Still, it's all just clouds in the sky. Humanity is a painting, beautiful in its tragedy, sometimes in deep red, where even pain can be artistic.

What about you? Is it constant or intermittent?

 

[TheHolySword]

It has been constant for a long time. I am in mental and emotional agony and misery every moment of every day.

 

[ma0]

It's constant for me in the sense that there's alweays an underlying sense of pain, but it's sometimes less noticeable.

 

[LostLily]

It is always in the back of the mind, some periods it just so strong that I cannot stand it.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's complicated. I feel like "waves" is the wrong word for me though. I tend to think of it more like a fire. Sometimes it is strong and raging, like a bonfire, and it feels like it's eating me alive. Other times, it feels like one of those small flames that are barely flickering. But the coals are always burning.

 

[axolotlotl]

For me, it's always there. But there's times where it's more manageable

 

[Chanting dread]

Mine is intermittent, every day i wake up exhausted, i put on my mask and do my song and dance for everyone.
I am being torn apart from inside but here i am still playing my part in this broken charade.
I only get a break every few weeks when i get hit with a temporary manic joy, but it never lasts anything longer than a couple hours.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I am constantly aware that I need to die as soon as possible to end this pain.

 

[_Maya]

Its constantly a feeling of worthlessness and depression, but sometimes i'll have bad "waves" where i feel worse and want to die even more.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It isn't constant in terms of it being at the forefront of my mind constantly. I have other stuff I need to try to set my mind to sometimes. But then, it's always somewhere there and my feelings about it range between: 'I've got to get out of here' to: 'I'd still be ok with dieing right now.' So, my attitude towards it as something I want is constant. The need for it tends to vary though.

 

[citrusrope]

For me it's technically always there. Kind of like a very dull ache that's "easy" to ignore for the most part. Then there are times, albeit very very short-lived and spontaneous, where I will feel so much hope and like I can actually escape this stupid misery and doom and live a nice life. But it's not a good sign because almost always right after I get the biggest crash and immediately fall into the other end of the spectrum where I feel the most inexplicable hopelessness, and that terrible feeling that I am trapped in my body and on this earth.