Venting Does Anyone wish to be an kid again, or mentally revert back to an child-like state?

[WastedPottential]

I mean, I know my childhood wasn't the best, as I remember me telling my mom that I wanted to not exist in this world, at the age of 8. Still, at the same time, if I weren't going through bullying or pain, I could open up and explore the world, be happy, be excited, do things because I wanted to, and actually be able to talk to other kids and make friends.

I can no longer physically do that. Going outside feels the same: the sun, the heat, the cold, Beauty. New experiences just burn me out, making it so I can do even less. And even though I've tried so hard and done every single medication, it just feels like I can't do anything properly. Anything that an normal person can do, takes me fifty percent more energy and effort, I've always had this but it never bugged me when I was kid, unless teachers or other pepole brought it up, I felt little shame towards myself, until I started becoming older, puberty hit me like an damn truck, and I felt like I lost an part of myself when my voice started changing. Everything became more complicated, and all of the self-hate started to stem.

Now, in the present day, I've survived a lot, but I've realized I can never become the person I want to be, achieve the goals I want to achieve, and create the things I want to create, and it just hurts so much. I just want to go back, I want to erase all of my memories, and start from scratch again, because I feel like the modern-day version of me has nothing to offer, nothing to bring to society, and I just want to go back before I knew anything.

 

[Homeward_Bound]

I feel this so badly. For me, New Year's Eve when I was 10 years old was a pivotal moment for me, so for the next 15 years or so I'd go to bed on New Year's Eve hoping that I'd somehow wake up the next morning and I'd be 10.

 

[J&L383]

It's sad, but I think most people go through the point when their childhood ends, things change, mine was also about 10 years old. It would be nice if there was a pill . . .

 

[satella]

I mean, I know my childhood wasn't the best, as I remember me telling my mom that I wanted to not exist in this world, at the age of 8. Still, at the same time, if I weren't going through bullying or pain, I could open up and explore the world, be happy, be excited, do things because I wanted to, and actually be able to talk to other kids and make friends.

I can no longer physically do that. Going outside feels the same: the sun, the heat, the cold, Beauty. New experiences just burn me out, making it so I can do even less. And even though I've tried so hard and done every single medication, it just feels like I can't do anything properly. Anything that an normal person can do, takes me fifty percent more energy and effort, I've always had this but it never bugged me when I was kid, unless teachers or other pepole brought it up, I felt little shame towards myself, until I started becoming older, puberty hit me like an damn truck, and I felt like I lost an part of myself when my voice started changing. Everything became more complicated, and all of the self-hate started to stem.

Now, in the present day, I've survived a lot, but I've realized I can never become the person I want to be, achieve the goals I want to achieve, and create the things I want to create, and it just hurts so much. I just want to go back, I want to erase all of my memories, and start from scratch again, because I feel like the modern-day version of me has nothing to offer, nothing to bring to society, and I just want to go back before I knew anything.

Every single day honestly. My childhood also wasn't the best, but way better compared to my miserable life now. I also wish I could go back to my childhood, a time when things were easier and I never even thought or had to stress about my future. Sending hugs to you though !!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

No, not really. I wouldn't mind being a teen again (maybe around 15-17), but I'd never want to be a child again. If you think I'm dumb now, you haven't met child me. Plus, I honestly preferred my teen years over most of my childhood. For one, I wasn't around my stepmother throughout most of those years. My mom had also already stopped hitting me by the time I reached my teen years, which was nice (she never hit me to the point of leaving marks or anything and I'm not traumatized by it, but being hit isn't that much fun, lol). I mean, she has slapped me in the face on a few occasions, but she very rarely does it. Plus, while she did still smother me, it wasn't anywhere near as bad back then compared to when I was a child.

I personally just like the fact that I didn't have as much to worry about as a teen.

 

[grandmotherboxing]

I dunno, personally I wanted to die since I was four years old. I really had no childhood at all so it shows up often times as a thought, but I dunno about a pure childlike mental state. I just know that I'd like to be an early teen again maybe. If I wasn't pressured and I was able to just be like a stupid kid all day I would do it, but alas I don't have the money to live that custom lifestyle

 

[XKZyn]

Idk about going to a childlike mental state but I would like to experience my childhood again. To see my family stable and happy again, minus the abusive parts of course. To see my grandpa again would be... Amazing.

 

[amerie]

Yes. I sometimes watch children's shows and mentally pretend that im 5 years old. It's not healthy to do it all the time and it makes my brain feel rotted, but it's a nice escape.

 

[Pluto]

 

[TooManyChances]

Brother I feel the exact thing, and I was thinking about this today. Things don't hit the same anymore. When I was a kid I went through lots of bad stuff, but I was still that curious excited child and I found joy in many things such as videogames, movies, trips...

Now I have more control since I'm bigger and stronger, but the child is gone, things don't excite me the same. This might be part of growing up or maybe the second phase of depression, because we are smarter and shit doesn't hit the same for us.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

I wouldn't want to go to school again. Really the best part about being an adult now is not having to go there. I feel very conflicted though. My life is pathetic but in many ways right now my life is more consistent and safer than it was when I was a child. This is mostly because I closed myself off from the world. As a child, I had to go somewhere I hated more than anywhere else 5 days a week. At times my living situation was threatened and had to move multiple times. Sometimes I was forced to live with strange and dangerous people. One time I had everything of value stolen from my room while I was at school and was kicked out from where I was living shortly after. My mental state is much worse today though than when I was a child. Life is bad now but for vastly different reasons.

 

[EternalShore]

I wouldn't want to go to school again. Really the best part about being an adult now is not having to go there. I feel very conflicted though. My life is pathetic but in many ways right now my life is more consistent and safer than it was when I was a child. This is mostly because I closed myself off from the world. As a child, I had to go somewhere I hated more than anywhere else 5 days a week. At times my living situation was threatened and had to move multiple times. Sometimes I was forced to live with strange and dangerous people. One time I had everything of value stolen from my room while I was at school and was kicked out from where I was living shortly after. My mental state is much worse today though than when I was a child. Life is bad now but for vastly different reasons.

That's so horrible! D: I'm so sorry~ >_< Getting everything stolen from you including your home just like that sounds so awful~ D: What an evil person to be so cruel to you~ >:( I wish your life could've ever been good~ :( At least, it was on weekends when you were a kid~ Life is just so dreadful and cruel nowadays~ There's really just a lot of bad and hardly any upsides~

Meanwhile, for me, no longer being a kid anymore was the thing that made me depressed for a year and a half in 2019 and still can make me really sewer slidal~ :( Things were actually good for my life back then~ :( not anymore~ >_<

 

[Satori Komeiji]

That's so horrible! D: I'm so sorry~ >_< Getting everything stolen from you including your home just like that sounds so awful~ D: What an evil person to be so cruel to you~ >:( I wish your life could've ever been good~ :( At least, it was on weekends when you were a kid~ Life is just so dreadful and cruel nowadays~ There's really just a lot of bad and hardly any upsides~

Meanwhile, for me, no longer being a kid anymore was the thing that made me depressed for a year and a half in 2019 and still can make me really sewer slidal~ :( Things were actually good for my life back then~ :( not anymore~ >_<

Yeah, I used to have a more positive perception of my childhood but eventually I took off the rose-tinted glasses and realized that things were rough, even back then. I wrote more about my childhood here but didn't feel like going into detail again. I think the best years of my childhood were roughly from when I was born to 7 years old. There were problems then as well but that was before the majority of the bad things that happened to me actually happened.

 

[EternalShore]

wow, well, I'm glad you were able to make such a good connection with that teacher that it got your through high school tho! :) at least, you will have a high school diploma if you ever wish to go to college, and it will help out with other prospects too! :) High school really sucked for me too~ >_< From what I understand, I was in frequent pain/discomfort until I turn 2, at which point it got better until I entered high school~ :) unfortunately, we both kinda ended up the same in the end tho~ :( People who had lost all their friends~ :( I hated school (not as much as you tho) when they got rid of recess in 6th grade, and well, by the time of high school, I viewed it as an opportunity to get friends [since they had all abandoned me~ :(]~ so I went every day, constantly bouncing around and trying to talk to people... back to you, it really sucks that no one could understand you and kinda tried to suppress you as a result~ :( and that you were sewer slidal at such a young age too~ D:
why am I even talking about high school when it's what started my memory suppression in the first place and all my memories of it are negative? idk~ >_< I guess just to relate to how freaking awful that place was~ :(

 

[hopeless302]

Maybe if I could go back, knowing what I know now, things might be different...

 

[Eriktf]

yes.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

wow, well, I'm glad you were able to make such a good connection with that teacher that it got your through high school tho! :) at least, you will have a high school diploma if you ever wish to go to college, and it will help out with other prospects too! :) High school really sucked for me too~ >_< From what I understand, I was in frequent pain/discomfort until I turn 2, at which point it got better until I entered high school~ :) unfortunately, we both kinda ended up the same in the end tho~ :( People who had lost all their friends~ :( I hated school (not as much as you tho) when they got rid of recess in 6th grade, and well, by the time of high school, I viewed it as an opportunity to get friends [since they had all abandoned me~ :(]~ so I went every day, constantly bouncing around and trying to talk to people... back to you, it really sucks that no one could understand you and kinda tried to suppress you as a result~ :( and that you were sewer slidal at such a young age too~ D:
why am I even talking about high school when it's what started my memory suppression in the first place and all my memories of it are negative? idk~ >_< I guess just to relate to how freaking awful that place was~ :(

Well, I actually did go to college briefly after graduating high school. I majored in computer science but dropped out before the end of my first year. I was mostly talked into doing college by teachers and my mom. I was told college would be very different from high school and also much better but in reality it's just high school but you have to pay to attend, there is much more work, and all your support networks are gone now. I barely got past high school so I was betting on things being better but when they weren't, it's no surprise I couldn't handle it.

 

[NonEssential]

Sure, I think 2007-2009 is the time when I was most happy.

 

[yawdrareg]

oof yeah 100%.

i remember being told i was suicidal at the age of 8 or 9 which is really depressing :-/ other than that i was rather normal and happy other than my anxiety disorder

i miss how i felt as a child especially because, well… i wasn't disabled lol. i wasn't in pain all the time or had a chronic illness or anything. i took that SO for granted and i miss it more than anything. sometimes when i fall asleep at night i find myself desperately hoping ill wake up and be younger again.

saying that sucks because technically i'm still pretty young but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it