Does anyone miss who they used to be?

[vonvonwantpeace]

I keep thinking about 8 years ago when I was normal I actually enjoyed things and was optimistic about the future. I was a bit socially awkward, but at least I didn't have health problems or depression.

 

[ralphnol]

Me, pre-2010. I can relate. Something changes...

 

[Astral316]

Yea it was 10 years ago when I thought I had a future in society... was depressed but would never consider suicide. A lot has happened since then that chipped away at my will to live. It's a damn shame, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

 

[Rachel74]

I've been depressed for 22 years. I have tried so hard to live a life with bipolar. I've got to a point in my life now where medication that once saved me is no longer working. That's why I joined this forum. Not ready to go just yet but when I do I want to do it properly and pain free.

 

[Mr2005]

2004 me had all the potential. I miss that person even if he was a twat. Ignorance is bliss and youth is wasted on the young

 

[burnedCookie]

Not really. I was in better shape both mentally and physically but I was a ruthless asshole. I wasn't a bad guy and I would never hurt someone who didn't do anything to me, but I was merciless to those who came after me or after someone dear to me. And by merciless I mean destruction-annihilation by all available means.
I don't really regret it since those people came at me first but In hindsight I realize that sometimes my answer was often disproportionate.

So no I don't miss the old me even if now I'm more dead than alive, at least I'm weak and unable to do such things anymore. I don't even want to, the fire went out and that's better this way.

 

[Subhuman]

Nope. There never was a normal or even well-adjusted me. I grew up severely mentally ill. There is nothing and no one to go back to. This is all I know.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I always miss it. I just want to be 13-17 again. My life was ruined after that after an incident which is the main reason I want to kill myself. I've lost the girl I was, I can't bear it.

 

[Stan]

I can remember happiness and hope. Makes how I am now even worse to be honest

 

[Jean4]

Nope. I was born depressed, with a horrible life and unhappy.

 

[hobbydevil]

I changed a lot in the past five years and yes, I miss... past-me. I miss my body in its completely healthy (mental health aside) state. To repeat what I said in the I wish-thread: If I could go back in time five years, or even just three, I wouldn't have this desire to end things.

 

[JimFord99]

Hm, yeah, I used to be a happy, cheerful and sociable person, long time ago in a distant life. Do I miss this life? No, not anymore. Used to but not anymore more. Because I am done with it. So-called friends vanished or I abandoned them, society is now a burden for me, so is daily life and everything which comes with it.

 

[oopswronglife]

Not really...because I am still that person. All these things happened TO me...they aren't me. Everything that came with all this loss and pain is a side effect...not ME. I would say the only thing I miss is the blissful ignorance surrounding what/who would be there should the worst happen...but even then that's on them...not me. It pains me to see people turn things on themselves...hate themselves...blame themselves for being victims. Hate the pain...hate the game...but don't hate YOU.

 

[OverItAll]

I keep thinking about 8 years ago when I was normal I actually enjoyed things and was optimistic about the future. I was a bit socially awkward, but at least I didn't have health problems or depression.

I like your avatar

I think I've always known something isn't right with me. Always felt I had a screw loose. As I moved into adulthood, it's only got worse. Been amplified I suppose. Stuff you couldn't really comprehend as a kid is crystal clear as an adult. And I don't like it.

The great Martin Luther King Jr said "modern man suffers from a kind of poverty of the spirit" - it's a quote that has always resonated with me. The pursuit of wealth and material possessions that seems to define society today makes me feel empty, made worse by the fact that I am guilty of it too.

I hate the world, I hate myself..... there's not much left eh.

 

[Blackjack]

All day every day. People now tell me, "I miss you" and I say, "I miss me, too".

 

[Lifetimepunishment]

I miss the time I didnt suffer from chronic back pain and depression. I don't know which came first but growing up I am always a pessimistic kid being an outlier of the world.the pain isn't excruciating yet but what I hate most is the feeling that I need to struggle so much to manage an ordinary life than others which ironically I even didn't ask for in the first place.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

To be honest I can't say I've ever really been genuinely happy in my life at all. Just fleeting moments of happiness. When I think back to my childhood I had some good times but lots of very very unhappy times. I think that messed me up socially and always feel awkward in social situations and don't have many friends.
I try not to think too much about my situation. Just go around getting through each day. Been hurt my so many people and left with crippling debt because of my kind nature. I can't see any other way than to CTB. If my life was a video game I would have pressed the reset button long ago!

 

[JimFord99]

To be honest I can't say I've ever really been genuinely happy in my life at all. Just fleeting moments of happiness. When I think back to my childhood I had some good times but lots of very very unhappy times. I think that messed me up socially and always feel awkward in social situations and don't have many friends.
I try not to think too much about my situation. Just go around getting through each day. Been hurt my so many people and left with crippling debt because of my kind nature. I can't see any other way than to CTB. If my life was a video game I would have pressed the reset button long ago!

 

[SS02]

I keep thinking about 8 years ago when I was normal I actually enjoyed things and was optimistic about the future. I was a bit socially awkward, but at least I didn't have health problems or depression.

Yes. I think about it all the time. I was fine until 2016 at that point I was 45 years old. Then I had back surgery, developed PTSD and no longer enjoy anything in life. So yes I can relate.

 

[CURSED again]

YES - i think virtually everyone that comes to this site does
Life can be very cruel - i never even dreamed it could get this unfair

 

[MichiyoCornell]

I keep thinking about 8 years ago when I was normal I actually enjoyed things and was optimistic about the future. I was a bit socially awkward, but at least I didn't have health problems or depression.

I completely relate to this. I used to be a high functioning depressive. Now I'm disabled, ill, and totally unwanted by the same people who used to be my joy in my life. It fucking sucks and it really not a good way to live.

 

[TJ811]

I miss that I used to be able to be happy without feeling bad about it or like I didn't deserve it. I miss being able to do everyday tasks like cooking without panicking whenever I try to do them.

 

[Nihil]

Yeah, I do big time. I miss hardly ever having been able to be my true self for my entire life. Twenty-six and a half years being a lie with a mask just to stay alive; never really living. Missing out on all those key moments to enjoy and savor in childhood, teenagehood, and young adulthood by being a lie. Being mocked, being encouraged to take my own life, telling me I'd be a failure, getting disowned by maternal relatives for being trans, and being told I could never be loved for who I truly am. Being cursed and yelled at and being treated like subhuman garbage for just trying to be the true me. It's just the mask they love and that's all. I've never even truly existed. I can't even be truly identified by the government with my own true name. Just a false identity. My true name isn't even legal; it doesn't even truly exist. I miss me, and yet, I don't even exist. I'm Nihil. I'm Nothing.

















Shit...this hit me way too hard in the feels. It's moments like these that make me want to break down and cry hard.

 

[mathieu]

Yup I miss my old self. I could do so many things I can't now. I was pretty independent. Could work and study. Was outgoing.

 

[StillWaiting]

Not really.
I wasnt particularly passionate about anything before becoming depressed.
Maybe it was the reason why I ended up like this.
Going back to that time probably isn't going to change much because I will probably end up like this either way.
But I guess I do miss alittle because I won't feel as awful as I am now everyday

 

[iiii5555]

Why be concerned with the past at all? Try and evaluate your situation rationally, thus devising better strategies to make your present time enjoyable; never stunt yourself with vague ideals, such as comparing yourself to your past you. You were happier at an certain point in time? What is preventing you from attaining that mindset once again? You were able to feel happy then, so that is a feseable goal now too.

 

[Sammybackflip]

Yes. I think about it all the time. I was fine until 2016 at that point I was 45 years old. Then I had back surgery, developed PTSD and no longer enjoy anything in life. So yes I can relate.

did the surgery give you the ptsd?

 

[RedShoes]

No. I had a shit childhood. The only thing I miss was the hope it might get better but these days, I don't think they will. I'm 27 and don't want to have children because I can't bear the idea of being an even shitter version of my mother than I thought my own mother was. I can't do that to children.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yes. I've always missed my 10-12-year-old self. It pains me that my life had peaked so young. I remember being 16 and just wondering what the fuck happened to me?!

Is there a Peter Pan Syndrome for adolescence? I've always yearned to experience it.

 

[Deltrus]

In my case suffering built character. Before I suffered intensely for 8 years, I was basically not a person. I had no goals, and just did whatever people told me I should do. I was always highly valuing my time and moving from one attention consuming thing to the next. Always playing games.

Suffering showed me how real, how inescapable reality was. It showed me what real power was, and how humanity had almost no power.

Now I definitely feel more like a person, an aware human being with free will, dreams, and a strong admiration for all that is. I feel more integrated into reality and the universe.

My illness did mean I wasn't fit for a job. If I was forced to constantly be working I doubt I would have developed much. It takes a mental toll on a person when working, especially when it feels terrible. And worrying about money is also terrible.

So I've grown a lot, but existence is still very hellish, I'd have committed suicide if my mom wasn't so fragile. I have to wait until she passes away.