Discussion does anyone else yearn to ctb?

[cyanidekitty]

im not sure how id want to, but i think my choices would be sn (classic ik lol), drug overdose, or maybe even something a little more extreme although i wouldnt wanna traumatize more ppl than i have to tbh.

i just want to know what it feels like to spend those last moments looking up at the ceiling waiting to pass on or whatever the hell else i may be doing.

i just wonder about those who passed on in this forum. & i wonder about those around them. & i wonder about their last few seconds & the person that had to discover them like tha.

and i yearn to know what happens when you die but on my own accord. thats why ctb would be so important to me. my life doesnt necessarily suck although i do have issues internally & when it comes to others

i just would love to ctb. im not sure when, but that doesnt really matter, that'll always be one of my options

 

[forfever]

yea most of us want to ctb. its a suicide forum.
very sad that you, a person whose life "doesnt necessary suck" want to throw it away. you will traumatize people around you no matter the method.
i hope you reconsider

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Everyone is anxious before they do this but when the decision's been made, you sort of just feel this feeling of peace. That's what my ex told the people here before she did SN. I didn't get to talk to her before she dies. That's sort of why the SN megathread recommends there being some antidepressants/downers involved so you're calm through and through when you do it. She got her hands on some because she was already medicated before.

Listen, I have not recovered to this day. It may only be a year but ask me again in 5 years and I'll tell you that in the dark of night, I'll still be crying over her--over my failure to keep her around. The people around you want to help you but only if you take their hand. Your brain is going to fight you and tell you that these people only love you when you're normal or these people are pressuring you to be "okay" again but that shit isn't true.

You'll tell yourself that your're a burden but you ain't. If you're a burden, no one would have tried reaching out or tried stopping you once they know that you're suicidal. Some people have the misfortune of being surrounded by these bastards who don't take them seriously. Like my ex.

So... I don't know. Yeah I guess I also yearn to see her again and my father. I particularly want to see my father again.

But I know the absolute horrid shit that is the aftermath of a suicide so I put that shit behind and just keep carrying myself for others that I care for.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, to permanently cease existing and finally be at peace from this dreadful, torturous and harmful existence that I just always saw as the most terrible tragic mistake is all I'd ever hope for, existence to me is always an abomination that just harms and tortures existing beings with no limit as to how much agony one can feel and all I see as positive is never suffering ever again.

I just want to be permanently unconscious with this torturous, cruel existence all gone and forgotten, I'll just always see existence as the problem and it's one only non-existence can bring me peace from. Only in non-existence will I be at peace from the terrible suffering and torture of existing and there's just so much evil in existing with existing beings in agony every second, I just find it so horrific how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to face the terrible extreme torture of old age.

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. I'd love to just switch it all off. Unfortunately something brutal needs to happen first.

 

[cyanidekitty]

Everyone is anxious before they do this but when the decision's been made, you sort of just feel this feeling of peace. That's what my ex told the people here before she did SN. I didn't get to talk to her before she dies. That's sort of why the SN megathread recommends there being some antidepressants/downers involved so you're calm through and through when you do it. She got her hands on some because she was already medicated before.

Listen, I have not recovered to this day. It may only be a year but ask me again in 5 years and I'll tell you that in the dark of night, I'll still be crying over her--over my failure to keep her around. The people around you want to help you but only if you take their hand. Your brain is going to fight you and tell you that these people only love you when you're normal or these people are pressuring you to be "okay" again but that shit isn't true.

You'll tell yourself that your're a burden but you ain't. If you're a burden, no one would have tried reaching out or tried stopping you once they know that you're suicidal. Some people have the misfortune of being surrounded by these bastards who don't take them seriously. Like my ex.

So... I don't know. Yeah I guess I also yearn to see her again and my father. I particularly want to see my father again.

But I know the absolute horrid shit that is the aftermath of a suicide so I put that shit behind and just keep carrying myself for others that I care for.

im sorry its such a conflicting thing for you. you're very kind & compassionate for also keeping others feelings in mind if you did commit.

i hope it'll get easier for you, even if its just in the slightest <33

Yes. I'd love to just switch it all off. Unfortunately something brutal needs to happen first.

understandable although of course id hope nothing brutal does happen (cause why would i wish the worst on ppl yk?)

 

[kilowatt]

yea most of us want to ctb. its a suicide forum.
very sad that you, a person whose life "doesnt necessary suck" want to throw it away. you will traumatize people around you no matter the method.
i hope you reconsider

Word
OP talking about it as if it's just something they're curious about.

 

[cyanidekitty]

yea most of us want to ctb. its a suicide forum.
very sad that you, a person whose life "doesnt necessary suck" want to throw it away. you will traumatize people around you no matter the method.
i hope you reconsider

when i said yearn i more so meant thats strictly the way u want to go lol rather than not caring about your life at all, shouldve specified the first time prob

also i said internally i feel like shit frequently & not everyone has to live a shitty life to be suicidal, most ppl that do tho are more likely to obviously

Word
OP talking about it as if it's just something they're curious about.

curious about ctb? thats a big commitment in the first place so idk abt all that

if u guys dont get it tho oh well not much more i can explain

 

[halfstay]

when i said yearn i more so meant thats strictly the way u want to go lol rather than not caring about your life at all, shouldve specified the first time prob

also i said internally i feel like shit frequently & not everyone has to live a shitty life to be suicidal, most ppl that do tho are more likely to obviously

curious about ctb? thats a big commitment in the first place so idk abt all that

if u guys dont get it tho oh well not much more i can explain

I think I get what you mean. Suicidal ideation is a spectrum like most things. Some people are dead set on CTB, some just have that lingering thought in the back of their minds. I think all those thoughts and the ones in between deserve to be discussed without judgement.

so to answer the initial prompt, I personally used to spend a lot of time wondering and fantasizing about how I'd do it. It was like a coping mechanism. Like I didn't have to feel shitty anymore because I could just see myself drifting away and feel fine. it's become different as I've gotten more serious about actually taking my life but that's not a rant for tonight.

I hope your pain alleviates friend. while I am sometimes envious of those who have passed here, I do still mourn their absence. they all deserved so much better.

 

[cyanidekitty]

I think I get what you mean. Suicidal ideation is a spectrum like most things. Some people are dead set on CTB, some just have that lingering thought in the back of their minds. I think all those thoughts and the ones in between deserve to be discussed without judgement.

so to answer the initial prompt, I personally used to spend a lot of time wondering and fantasizing about how I'd do it. It was like a coping mechanism. Like I didn't have to feel shitty anymore because I could just see myself drifting away and feel fine. it's become different as I've gotten more serious about actually taking my life but that's not a rant for tonight.

I hope your pain alleviates friend. while I am sometimes envious of those who have passed here, I do still mourn their absence. they all deserved so much better.

understandable, and thank you for being kind like others on this forum.

at times i do feel myself getting better mentally but sometimes all it takes is one thing and my whole night is ruined but hey, some have it wayy worse than me so i dont complain much

& i definitely feel for those that turned to suicide as well cause in the end, it shouldnt have came to that. im so glad they found their peace but i wish they couldve had it while still being alive.

and im sorry people & life in general has treated you how it has & i hope you'll have better days up until your passing (if you're set on it)

 

[halfstay]

understandable, and thank you for being kind like others on this forum.

at times i do feel myself getting better mentally but sometimes all it takes is one thing and my whole night is ruined but hey, some have it wayy worse than me so i dont complain much

& i definitely feel for those that turned to suicide as well cause in the end, it shouldnt have came to that. im so glad they found their peace but i wish they couldve had it while still being alive.

and im sorry people & life in general has treated you how it has & i hope you'll have better days up until your passing (if you're set on it)

im an unmedicated bipolar so I feel you friend. I will literally feel like a god and then someone will look at me funny and I crash.

and there's a lot of people who have it worse or better. doesn't change the fact that you're also struggling and also deserve to be heard.

suicide is such a regular topic here that I think sometimes people forget that constantly thinking about death is not the "norm" and is concerning enough of a symptom to be checked upon.

I hope you can continue to feel better despite the shitty days. and I appreciate your comments :) we'll see where life takes me.

 

[forfever]

when i said yearn i more so meant thats strictly the way u want to go lol rather than not caring about your life at all, shouldve specified the first time prob

also i said internally i feel like shit frequently & not everyone has to live a shitty life to be suicidal, most ppl that do tho are more likely to obviously

curious about ctb? thats a big commitment in the first place so idk abt all that

if u guys dont get it tho oh well not much more i can explain

i think that, since suicide will, in most cases, end up hurting those around you, you need to really evaluate your choice.
"does my pain justify the aftermath of suicide?" "is there a future where im happy?" i ask myself this daily, and i doubt i'll ever find a solid answer. not everyone has to have a terrible life to be suicidal, sure, but you can still make bad decisions.
you dont seem to grasp how serious suicide is. you literally called a drug overdose a "classic lol", and your reasoning for considering suicide is that you frequently feel bad and that you yearn to know what is like. im not trying to belittle your problems, im sorry that you feel like that frequently. life is tough.
i feel like you have a very romantized idea of it. the last moments are the worst moments of your life, not "looking up at the ceiling waiting to pass on". it's not a music video, it's real death.
im sorry i seem mad, it frankly upsets me that a young person like you thinks they belong here, and your cutesy pink cat PFP doesn't help my upsetness. i hope you keep living for as long as you can

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't say I'm yearning to experience dying. I don't imagine it will be pleasant. I am yearning for the time when I know I won't have to get up, do chores and do all the shit needed to sustain this ridiculous life though.

 

[cyanidekitty]

i think that, since suicide will, in most cases, end up hurting those around you, you need to really evaluate your choice.
"does my pain justify the aftermath of suicide?" "is there a future where im happy?" i ask myself this daily, and i doubt i'll ever find a solid answer. not everyone has to have a terrible life to be suicidal, sure, but you can still make bad decisions.
you dont seem to grasp how serious suicide is. you literally called a drug overdose a "classic lol", and your reasoning for considering suicide is that you frequently feel bad and that you yearn to know what is like. im not trying to belittle your problems, im sorry that you feel like that frequently. life is tough.
i feel like you have a very romantized idea of it. the last moments are the worst moments of your life, not "looking up at the ceiling waiting to pass on". it's not a music video, it's real death.
im sorry i seem mad, it frankly upsets me that a young person like you thinks they belong here, and your cutesy pink cat PFP doesn't help my upsetness. i hope you keep living for as long as you can

i see what you mean & i see how my wording has upset you
(also i said sn was "classic I KNOW lol" as in its clearly something that is very classic within this forum specifically.)

i dont romanticize any form of death in general and if anything suicide definitely isnt something to be romanticized or viewed to be a joke.

i havent ever actually took that commitment into trying commit suicide ( no attempts like others because in most cases on this forum, others have much more going on in their lives than me) but it lingers in my head its just something that sticks around as if its something i must do

like i said, mentally i am against myself & i have not been a good person overall towards others (not that ive done anything in a sexual manner) & ive been having other issues outside of that but anyway

some people can be in a happier state when it comes to committing because they feel they're finally free from it all & i get it, it is unfortunate because why did it all have to come to that. tho, thats only amongst some

also not everyone on this forum is going to view their own suicide as something to be serious, hell i think ive even seen atleast one (or maybe a few) people say they dont care who they traumatize or some other crazy shit.
i view others suicide as something extremely saddening & it would never be something for me to smile about or think happily about & if anything, although i felt for them, i also feel for those who have to discover them & clean up behind them.

also the only reason i chose this pfp is because i love pusheen & she is one of my favorites.

i have never said on this site that im going to take my life because one i have no way of doing anything even worth trying & two im still seeing what the future holds & if i can accomplish what i want.
also my bf & close family would be beyond upset

sorry if i didn't evaluate my thread very well in the first place

I can't say I'm yearning to experience dying. I don't imagine it will be pleasant. I am yearning for the time when I know I won't have to get up, do chores and do all the shit needed to sustain this ridiculous life though.

yea im not necessarily one that just doesnt care how they go out because in most cases death is very unpleasant & im not saying suicide is pleasant but i think its better for most to go on ur own terms.

 

[BlazingBob]

My asshole is on fire because of prostate problems. My kidneys are failing. I can't sleep because of neurological problems. As I type this I'm in line at a food bank. I have $60 to my name.

 

[cyanidekitty]

My asshole is on fire because of prostate problems. My kidneys are failing. I can't sleep because of neurological problems. As I type this I'm in line at a food bank. I have $60 to my name.

im sorry bob. idk if i can tell you "it gets better" because im so sure you've been told that before.

i hope your problems will lighten & im rooting for you :((

 

[TAW122]

I have thought about CTB and pondered it, even played through the events of gathering, preparing, getting things ready, and finally attempting it (and envisioning my success and that the nothingness that follows - after death). Sure, there will always be people who are sad, but it would not be fair for me nor right just to keep enduring decades of suffering and anguish just so people can sleep better at night. By cutting my tormented existence short, I spare myself many years of suffering.

 

[cyanidekitty]

Sure, there will always be people who are sad, but it would not be fair for me nor right just to keep enduring decades of suffering and anguish just so people can sleep better at night. By cutting my tormented existence short, I spare myself many years of suffering.

understandable. im not one to encourage the suicide of others and ill wish them success if they're completely set on doing it, but in my opinion people will most likely be sad about your death anyway even if you dont commit. sadness is inevitable & always finds its way around