Does anyone else feel this war between instinct and choice?

[bambi11025]

Feeling so lost right now.
My mind has been made up for days, I was mentally prepared to ctb, I stopped caring about everything around me because I knew I'd be leaving anyway. I had that weird little smile on my face.

But now... please don't judge me. During my research here, I came across some videos. I know it was my own responsibility to look, but I actually wanted to see the techniques.
I don't know if it was my survival instinct kicking in... after watching them, I felt so sick. I still don't want this life, my decision hasn't changed. But I'm terrified. My body cramping? Someone finding me like that? And probably days later, because no one would come check on me anyway.

I feel like my biology and my mind are at war with each other right now... has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Porgierot]

Yes. We're just hard wired to want to survive, even when we think we're mentally ready and willing to die. Nature just is like that. I think you should keep in mind that survival instinct will kick in and prepare for it doing so, in whatever way. I've had it interfere with attempts before but admittedly those attempts were impulses more so than necessarily planned. Though I don't think it would make much of a difference, your body is going to want to fight to stay alive in general.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

this fear has happened to me after attempting. i think it may be common. its really scary.

 

[liquid-crystal daze]

After each of my attempts my body seemed unsure if it should be relieved or full of dread. We as a species only exist because we are motivated to exist and we would die out otherwise. The survival instinct first instilled in our microbial ancestors had no way to account for the risk of suicidality that human intelligence would bring millions of years into the future. It's (relatively) modern self-determination clashing with ancient self-preservation. It's only natural, and very frightening, but it doesn't mean anything about how strong or motivated you are. It's hard-wired into you, unlike suicidality.

 

[madwoman]

Yeah part of the reason why I wish I could just sign up for assisted suicide so I can have the closure and help with it all. & not having to deal with doing it myself, being found and the whole investigation situation, and variables that it might fail if I do something wrong, or if my survival instinct kicks in and I do something stupid like tell someone or so many factors. Death is general is unknown and usually scary for everyone and most people avoid thinking about it. Either wish for AS or wish I could just take a pill and drift off to sleep as soon as I take it and die peacefully but neither are options. :/ I don't want anything to stop me so I won't watch any of those videos. Nor do I really want to see or watch things where people find new love for life…

 

[bambi11025]

Yeah part of the reason why I wish I could just sign up for assisted suicide so I can have the closure and help with it all. & not having to deal with doing it myself, being found and the whole investigation situation, and variables that it might fail if I do something wrong, or if my survival instinct kicks in and I do something stupid like tell someone or so many factors. Death is general is unknown and usually scary for everyone and most people avoid thinking about it. Either wish for AS or wish I could just take a pill and drift off to sleep as soon as I take it and die peacefully but neither are options. :/ I don't want anything to stop me so I won't watch any of those videos. Nor do I really want to see or watch things where people find new love for life…

I understand exactly what you mean.
Putting it into practice is so much harder than it looks from the outside (or in movies). I always have exactly the same thought as you, simply take that one pill, fall asleep peacefully, and just don't wake up again.
That's why my first impulse was always OD, but the "gentle" drugs are not easily available in my country. So that method is out too...

After each of my attempts my body seemed unsure if it should be relieved or full of dread. We as a species only exist because we are motivated to exist and we would die out otherwise. The survival instinct first instilled in our microbial ancestors had no way to account for the risk of suicidality that human intelligence would bring millions of years into the future. It's (relatively) modern self-determination clashing with ancient self-preservation. It's only natural, and very frightening, but it doesn't mean anything about how strong or motivated you are. It's hard-wired into you, unlike suicidality.

I find it kind of unsettling how instinct can take over the body without you even consciously realizing it. My last attempts were very impulsive as well and, in the end, not even remotely dangerous. What you said about relief or frustration really resonated with me. So many harmful behaviors seem to create a sense of physical relaxation, and the body doesn't immediately go into defense mode. I'm curious, how strongly did you physically feel those emotions after your attempts, and what did they feel like in your body?