Does anyone else feel this war between instinct and choice?

[bambi11025]

Feeling so lost right now.
My mind has been made up for days, I was mentally prepared to ctb, I stopped caring about everything around me because I knew I'd be leaving anyway. I had that weird little smile on my face.

But now... please don't judge me. During my research here, I came across some videos. I know it was my own responsibility to look, but I actually wanted to see the techniques.
I don't know if it was my survival instinct kicking in... after watching them, I felt so sick. I still don't want this life, my decision hasn't changed. But I'm terrified. My body cramping? Someone finding me like that? And probably days later, because no one would come check on me anyway.

I feel like my biology and my mind are at war with each other right now... has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Porgierot]

Yes. We're just hard wired to want to survive, even when we think we're mentally ready and willing to die. Nature just is like that. I think you should keep in mind that survival instinct will kick in and prepare for it doing so, in whatever way. I've had it interfere with attempts before but admittedly those attempts were impulses more so than necessarily planned. Though I don't think it would make much of a difference, your body is going to want to fight to stay alive in general.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

this fear has happened to me after attempting. i think it may be common. its really scary.

 

[liquid-crystal daze]

After each of my attempts my body seemed unsure if it should be relieved or full of dread. We as a species only exist because we are motivated to exist and we would die out otherwise. The survival instinct first instilled in our microbial ancestors had no way to account for the risk of suicidality that human intelligence would bring millions of years into the future. It's (relatively) modern self-determination clashing with ancient self-preservation. It's only natural, and very frightening, but it doesn't mean anything about how strong or motivated you are. It's hard-wired into you, unlike suicidality.