Does anyone else feel like they relate less to people in general after experiencing their physical or mental illness?

[calebzz1]

Hey all, I wanted to make another post because this has been on my mind a lot recently.

To preface, I have been off my drop Atropine which I bring up from time to time in the chat.

It's been rough to say the least, now I'm very visually impaired and it's like being half-blind to clear the double vision in addition to having low vision in the other.

Feel free to look at the stills and videos I've posted on my profile to understand how intermittent it can be.

I got my white cane which is a blessing, used it yesterday when taking the trash out and it really helped with navigation.

I plan to use it for tomorrow's appointment to convey how disabling it really is and will be honest with my independent optometrist as everyday now while off of Atropine I'm truly desperate for more improvement.

I can barely see my mom's face and it's literally back to the early months when I struggled immensely and didn't even know what was going on.

I will probably say the same story and nothing will occur, then my plan is to push for help with my disability case as always.

Anyways, I'll get back to the topic of the post.

I feel like I can't relate to people the worse my visual impairment gets.

Everyday there's people talking about playing videogames, watching movies, shows and whatnot while I had to get a white cane recently and have to sit out on all that.

I'll list three examples of different situations I had to miss out on which was very upsetting.

1. My best friend offered to give a ride to see the new "Demon Slayer" movie, first I typically watch the anime but due to the blur I knew that I couldn't even watch the movie.

Literally everything was paid for and I had to turn that down.

2. My friend group played "Sons of the Forest" which is an anticipated game I really wanted to try with them, because of my visual impairment I wasn't able to partake of course.

3. A lot of people on social media talk about playing a videogame for 200 hours, watching a whole season of a T.V. show in a day, praising this movie that changed their life etc.

My reaction now is literally "That must be nice, I haven't been able to see well enough to even start to do any of that and I feel like a literal toddler trying to learn how to walk."

Do you all see what I mean on how this could alter someone's temperament and make them cold in addition to practical?

I have no mental health issues but simply cannot see enough to properly enjoy those hobbies anymore due to the blurriness.

It's either I'm a bitter, jaded adult or age regress back to when I was seven to "Ollie", which is what my aunt apparently used to call me due to my hazel eyes.

My adult mind can simply not handle how limiting the problem can be, everything feels "moment to moment" and I have to really watch my movement or I can fall.

There's no relaxation ever without Atropine, the first thought when I wake up is how to improve my medical situation instead of relaxing like a normal person.

My mom wants to sit down and have hour long conversations about small talk and nothing practical for either myself or the household, I simply don't really care now.

It's like that one meme of the vampire in Witcher 3 sleeping in a coffin who tells Geralt and his friend to "Fuck off!" LOL.

I'm in the coffin waiting for a cure to my sight pretty much.

I've said it before in chat but that's how I am in person, a stark difference to how I present myself online but I'm sure most people would be the same if they could hardly see and so much was at stake.

I'll be getting benefits, sure but if this is permanent I'll never be able to do my old hobbies i.e. playing videogames, watching television, reading books and whatnot ever again.

Imagine being brutally honest with your relevant providers about how disabling the blur is only to be offered a path that doesn't work for the hundreth time, it's brutal.

"I really want to support the household more and go back to work and I can't enjoy my old hobbies anymore."

I've said that so many times, low-key am probably traumatized in some way after dealing with all this since I've missed out on so much and had to waste a little over a year of my adult life trying to solve this problem most people don't even have to think about.

Have a blessed day everyone and always try your best.

 

[konkurs]

I think a lot of people who have experienced something traumatic or are different in one way or another often share a similar sentiment. Society has a tendency to ostracize and mistreat people whose experiences they can't directly relate to, which is why I find the phrase "humans are social creatures" to be dumb as fuck generally speaking. I often think about one day getting out of bed and leaving everything and everyone behind without warning, traveling the earth alone like a vagabond, but mildly for spiritual reasons. unfortunately my knees are kinda fucked though and borders exist so i'd be pretty much confined to this country. Family would report me missing and Police would likely hunt me down and treat me like some sort of lunatic for just wanting to wander. I blame capitalism

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

After experiencing multiple traumatic life events I don't want to get close to anyone and want to move to a quiet area. It's not that I don't want friends, but I have such little trust I want to keep interactions very small. I hate religion, but the idea of being in a church and getting enough social interaction once a week is kind of brilliant on a logistics level.

I'm just tired of trying to make friends and getting hurt by them. A little farm somewhere is the dream now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes I can't relate to most people due to the consequences of my physical and mental problems. Even on here I feel the distance still rather keenly.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I hated being on atropine almost as much as when I wasn't, the brightness of everything felt blinding when I stepped outside, and it didn't really make the bluriness or the double vision go away for me but I feel like I get what you are saying, the bluriness makes you feel all alone while everyone moves around you. Almost like they are all meshed together within the big blur that is everywhere.

I've always had trouble telling people's faces apart too. They all look the same, and it upsets a lot of people when they can see me but I can't recognize them.

Have you asked about surgery yet? They can cut off your eye muscles and reattach them to your eye. Sometimes it doesn't go well but I was told the success rate is generally good. It's covered by most insurance plans more than vision therapy as well, so you won't pay as much.

hugs

 

[calebzz1]

I hated being on atropine almost as much as when I wasn't, the brightness of everything felt blinding when I stepped outside, and it didn't really make the bluriness or the double vision go away for me but I feel like I get what you are saying, the bluriness makes you feel all alone while everyone moves around you. Almost like they are all meshed together within the big blur that is everywhere.

I've always had trouble telling people's faces apart too. They all look the same, and it upsets a lot of people when they can see me but I can't recognize them.

Have you asked about surgery yet? They can cut off your eye muscles and reattach them to your eye. Sometimes it doesn't go well but I was told the success rate is generally good. It's covered by most insurance plans more than vision therapy as well, so you won't pay as much.

hugs

Thanks my friend, Atropine 1% sulfate would make the blur go away but I noticed that it started to come back which is why I stopped.

I did a lot of research and found out that it actually has a lot of systemic side effects which I will list below.

Surgery is not a route I can take due to my movements being too intermittent and variable.

Here's a link to my most recent video while off Atropine which should give you an idea of how it is.

How my eyes look like while relaxing off my Atropine 1% sulfate drops and a short video showcasing how it presents.

Hey everyone, here's how my visual impairment presents now after Atropine is fully out of my system. I will upload two pictures of how the eye turn presents itself for the left and right one. Also, a short video will be shown as well. My pupils are smaller because with Atropine they induce...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I saw my independent optometrist on the 20th and he stated my conditon is curable which I already knew but he explained the mechanics of it quite throughly.

He's also willing to help with any disabiltiy documentation.

I'm waiting for the full report so I can analyze it further and have an appointment scheduled with an occupational therapist who will help re-train my visual system.

The first appointment for that will be on November 4th.

I use ChatGPT a lot regarding my medical condition and decided to see my neurologist again to try and get get a combination of pregabalin/baclofen prescribed to hopefully calm my spasm a bit and reduce the blur.

My neuro-ophthalmologist wasn't comfortable prescribing the medication, he is nice but overly clinical and didn't offer any treatment because nothing apparent was on imaging.

I needed to see my neurologist anyways to get one of my medical evaluation forms bumped up and she agreed.

I'm nowhere near the level of going back to the "first route" as I call it i.e. working, going to community college, enjoying my old hobbies etc. but I'm focused on the "second route" which is obtaining disability benefits, opening a lot of doors.

 

[calebzz1]

I think a lot of people who have experienced something traumatic or are different in one way or another often share a similar sentiment. Society has a tendency to ostracize and mistreat people whose experiences they can't directly relate to, which is why I find the phrase "humans are social creatures" to be dumb as fuck generally speaking. I often think about one day getting out of bed and leaving everything and everyone behind without warning, traveling the earth alone like a vagabond, but mildly for spiritual reasons. unfortunately my knees are kinda fucked though and borders exist so i'd be pretty much confined to this country. Family would report me missing and Police would likely hunt me down and treat me like some sort of lunatic for just wanting to wander. I blame capitalism

I'm sorry to hear about your knee situation, personally I'm blessed and I still have an able body despite my vision being poor.

I hope that gets better soon.

I definitely agree with your take which is why I don't like telling my story in person too many times, on SaSu people get it and respond in a much better way than family and friends.

After experiencing multiple traumatic life events I don't want to get close to anyone and want to move to a quiet area. It's not that I don't want friends, but I have such little trust I want to keep interactions very small. I hate religion, but the idea of being in a church and getting enough social interaction once a week is kind of brilliant on a logistics level.

I'm just tired of trying to make friends and getting hurt by them. A little farm somewhere is the dream now.

That makes perfect sense, when my mom was in the hospital for two weeks or so I was perfectly fine alone with no issues.

My plan is to get my SSDI benefits and get an apartment in the same complex we live in or alternately rent out with friends.

It's a waiting game but with the Trump administration I'm worried that something will happen since SNAP benefits are already being cut off for November.

I'm the opposite and want to hang out with my friends but now my adult life is literally centered around trying to improve my function, regardless once I get my benefits and no improvement is made I'll take my white cane and meet up with them again.

It's an emotional barrier for sure and they have to get used to it.

I can trust people easily but still keep my guard up.

Yes I can't relate to most people due to the consequences of my physical and mental problems. Even on here I feel the distance still rather keenly.

I'm sorry that you feel feel distant with people on SaSu, please know it's not your fault.

I feel the same way when people go on and on about small talk or topics that aren't relevant to improving my condition or the household.

I tune that out at points, with my impairment it's easy to get triggered honestly because I'm very limited on what I can do as I described in the post above.