Venting Does anybody else feel like they’re a completely damaged person who can’t be helped

[guestguest360]

I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling right now. All that comes to mind are the words broken and damaged. I've been reflecting a lot over the past 2 years and I've really started to realise how much my childhood has impacted me. I blocked a lot of things out but I'm starting to remember. When I was young I think I was in survival mode. I had to deal with so much pain on my own but I got by somehow. I felt older than years due to the trauma I endured but now I just feel like a broken child that can't be helped by anyone. I've been massively misunderstood by mental health services and I don't trust them anymore or anyone for that matter. I'd rather suffer alone than ask for help again. The constant let downs and invalidation are so painful.

I don't know where to go from here. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to give life another go and I felt a little hopeful. But that part of me is just engulfed by depression. I'm so tired of fighting my brain everyday and dealing with the consequences of how others treated me growing up. I don't feel like there's a professional in the world that can help me get through this. Ending it all just feels like the only thing to do at this point. I feel like the depression has truly won after 12 years. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of dying because that keeps me stuck here. It's tortuous. I don't know where I was going with this. I just wanted to get some thoughts off my mind. Writing in diaries no longer feels safe for me.

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah, I'm beyond screwed. I gave up on trying to get help many years ago.

 

[Dark Moon]

Same, I had some traumatic events in my childhood that still playback on my mind to this day and I was thinking of giving life another go but the help/support is almost non existent. They insist on giving me anti deppresants and nothing else, I don't think they can help me anyway. I'm just over this life now at this point.

 

[martyrdom]

I cannot fully relate to you because my trauma does not come from childhood, but I can understand. I was broken a few months ago. I was perfectly happy before then, I had everything most people would want, but what happened is irreparable. People don't understand that there's no coming back from some events.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, what happens to me is something similar to those memes that say "I wish I didn't know so much"

It's like you can't change me. I won't enjoy the silly things I used to anymore. Ignorance is really bliss. I see people eating a sandwich in a park and they look genuinely happy. That's just nonsense for my way of viewing the world LOL.

 

[BeyondSurvival]

I feel like some parts of me are permanently damaged, but I still have hope that I can get better in some ways.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

Yeah I am completely broken as a person. My entire family screwed me over as I was growing up with a lot of emotional neglect and abuse (physically and mentally) and the outside world wasn't kind at all to me either.

 

[darksouls]

my mother abused me severely as a child, so I am mentally and emotionally broken for as long as I can remember

 

[BrainSplatter]

I don't remember much of my childhood only the traumatic events which left deep scars but most of it is a blur, my mind's way of protecting me from danger. I've endured so much parental bereavement CCSA DVNDA bullying SA emotional and physical abuse all as a child and in my adult life more SAs bullying and being assaulted w weapons. No matter how well I think I'm doing my body tells me otherwise I'll flinch at loud noises or fast movements I'll get anxious or burst into tears if anyone is the slightest bit negative or critical towards me let alone if they raise their voice. I can't hold down any job if I get the wrong customer I'll just break down or split on them and I'll go into this uncontrollable rage. No one's ever been able to help me but I also can't help myself I'm ill equipped and have BPD from the trauma which caused my brain to not develop properly it's not something that can ever be corrected. I hurt myself so much because they hurt me. It's all I've ever know and in a fucked up way it feels familiar. It's the only way I know how to cope or soothe myself but sometimes SH just isn't enough that's why BPD has the highest fatality rate of all mental health illnesses and euthanasia is now legal in multiple countries which truly shows how mentally painful this disorder is. It's hard not to feel irreparably damaged, a undamaged person wouldn't feel like this

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

yes

 

[LetMeOut67]

Yes I've just been through too much, seen so much horrible stuff. endured so much I'll never see life as worth it again

 

[Jan1193]

I don't feel any childhood trauma particulary, or I don't remember something painfullest than my actual situation, but yes, I feel with no fix possible now, I don't trust and I don't want it aniway. I almost suspect that I'm generating any kind of cancer. If that's true, I won't take quimo, I'll just let it kill me beyond the sight of my father as can be possible, 'cause he is the most responsible of my mother's worst days since she knows him, and mine too. Sounds cruel, but I really want him to see me die, and standing in front of my coffin and burial. I would find peace if I see him at least suffering because I'm going to die

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's more that I'm exhausted and I don't want the extra work of trying to fix my fears. So- I wouldn't seek out 'help' or guidance to do that now- because I'm so unlikely to follow it.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I know I'm broken beyond repair. I can't even say it's because of trauma, because I've been told my whole life (even by therapists) that my trauma isn't bad enough to warrant my suffering and that I'm overreacting. I can't keep friends and I constantly sliral into negative, destructive thoughts even when nothing is happening in real life to warrant them. Nobody understands and I can't keep friends, there is just something innately wrong with me.

 

[Irisse]

I think I might be broken because my suicidality started at 12 years old and never really subsided, because my primary school classmates abused me and I was under a huge academic pressure from my parents. Even when I got some things that I wanted, like a friend and enrollment into the college that I desired, I am still suicidal due to horrible paranoia and some psychotic elements.

 

[katara]

I know I'm broken beyond repair. I can't even say it's because of trauma, because I've been told my whole life (even by therapists) that my trauma isn't bad enough to warrant my suffering and that I'm overreacting. I can't keep friends and I constantly sliral into negative, destructive thoughts even when nothing is happening in real life to warrant them. Nobody understands and I can't keep friends, there is just something innately wrong with me.

I struggle with the friends thing too and I don't know why nobody likes me. i either get creepy guys who message me or women who want nothing to do with me and randomly unfriend me even if we are having good conversations. I just can't win

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. I just want this all to go away

 

[Pale_Rider]

Exactly. The truth is there is no professional in the world who can fix it is my view. Whats more when they dont have the skills to know what they are dealing with I just turn them off. When I was younger I would engage "rambo" mode if you will, and keep moving forward. Yet the time has come where I can recognize that my issues are so bad they will always alienate me from other, and sabotage my efforts. So its a big circle jerk of destruction that targets me. I can't seem to muster motivation anymore. Sure I can rile plenty of anger at this point. That's easy, but not helpful. When the going gets tough the smart do drugs is all I can say. They can stuck all their bullshit about human potential. Even they don't belive that.

 

[fkyou]

Yes

 

[Pale_Rider]

I think I might be broken because my suicidality started at 12 years old and never really subsided, because my primary school classmates abused me and I was under a huge academic pressure from my parents. Even when I got some things that I wanted, like a friend and enrollment into the college that I desired, I am still suicidal due to horrible paranoia and some psychotic elements.

When they do this they think they can do a jedi mind trick I think.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i can't be helped. only thing that will help me is to kill myself as that will solve every problem instantly and forever for me.

but i don't want to be helped to remain alive for what? i don't see a reason why i have to live even if there were no problems no pain no suffering.

but life is full of suffering , problems , pain , bad memories, diseases , injustice, oppression, lies ,scams, old age . Only Non-existence forever can guarantee never no suffering and never suffering extremely so badly it's a hell a trillion times worse than the worst hell one can imagine.

Eternal Non-existence is thus the only perfection, the ultimate perfection

 

[Flubber]

I believe that most people who're suicidal are affected by trauma to a severe degree and this is usually on a subconscious level.

Most folk probably have the potential to change their thought patterns, behaviours and coping mechanisms enough to live a meaningful and happy life.

Sadly, there isn't much help available for most people to help understand why they feel as they do, let alone make significant changes.... unless they have the money to get a full diagnosis and spend a subsequent fortune on the relevant treatment.

 

[idiotmother]

Yesss, completely brain damaged and defeated by psychiatry. Overkill by pills. I'm sick of outsiders telling me I'll "heal" or get better, there's no freaking way. I wish I could just get put out of my misery. I feel like I'm getting closer to doing something but still have SI due to my family members.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Yeah. What I want is impossible: to be young and innocent again and capable of focusing my energy into becoming someone. I've been giving up and betraying myself constantly for 15 years. I always choose the couch, the drug, the wank to porn. My willpower and self respect is gone. I'll always "let myself go." This has to end.

 

[purpp37]

I mean yeah like no shit, trying to repair or salvage what's left of my rotted brain would be like putting a bandaid on someone who just got their leg chopped off with an axe. There's no fixing that shit. No matter how many different safety plans, residential facilities psych wards, medications or diagnoses they throw at me it doesn't matter because once I'm dead I'll be free and they want to lock me away because of my freedom of choice. Free will prevails and I shall meet peace one day and I hope I get thrown in the compost so at least my worthless disgusting body can at least have some benefit to the world for once for nature to pick apart and swallow. Or thrown in the fucking gutter or incinerated. Or maybe fucking taxidermy me to haunt all of you fuckers.