Do you think your anxieties and fears are actually real or do they just take place as a function in your psyche to cope with your current mental pain?

[noname223]

You know I went through a time period where I was really scared about suicide. I didn't know how to solve my problems. And the problems were very real. Though, I had a strong deterministic view on the future. And retrospectively I can say that things happened that I didn't expect. There happened good and bad things. But also many things I didn't consider. I ask myself if my deterministic view on my life is actually a big problem itself. There is a lot of certainty in my thinking. I think to know what is going to happen. What goes on inside the head of another person? Though, if something else happens I just find excuses why it happened. I rationalize my fear. I tell myself it was smart to be scared all the time. It was smart to be in the position of strategic pessimism. In fact I think this thinking has advantages. It prevented me from trusting the wrong people But it is also a life full of fear. Eventually I get the feeling this isn't a matter of choice. I tried to re-calibrate my thinking. And well members of my former self-help group and my former therapist tried to take advantage of that. And well this didn't help to find more trust in other people/not to catastrophize social interactions. Besides that I think even distancing myself from this cognitive bias to always predict the worst case scenario was just replaced by other biases.

I think not taking life too serious is a good advice. I fought too hard in my life. I fought so much that I almost killed myself because the battles had a nightmarish effect on my mental health. I found a mental state where I am not on the edge of suicide on a daily basis. And I try to build on that. I find myself telling me a lot of different narratives. It doesn't seem to matter whether they are true or not. It is more of a choice whether they have the best impact on my mental health. I think so much about what is mostly going on in other people that my whole thinking is totally distorted. Also the categories in which I am thinking are not rational. There is no ambivalence. I use my thoughts to regulate me. I feel like I am in so much need for a definitive answer that I take any even if it is a horrible answer. Just because I am unable to deal with uncertainty. And obviously all of this becomes a self-fulfiling theory. And actually I cannot do anything about that. But isn't this the same certainty that brought me into this situation in the first place. You know it becomes really confusing. I am waiting for a miracle. And things happened that I considered a miracle in the past. It is insane how fast life can change. For better or worse. Often the good things are not longlasting.

I think many thoughts I tell myself have an inner function in my psyche. The main priority is not what is the truth. lt is not like take a deep breath and wait a second to reflect on it. instead it is more like I am in so fucking much pain and I have so fucking much anxiety that I can't think straight. And then there are all the systemic problems that come along with this thinking and my conditions in general. Though, outside the box thinking is interesting. And I try to be rational. I just need to be friendlier to myself. I am very harsh on myself. But this is all the logic in my head. Maybe I am just fading out other states of my mind because I am in this moment in so freaking much pain. Damn I wish there were no addictive benzo pills. But they made everything so much worse in the longrun.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I catastrophize a lot. I suppose it isn't real in as much as I am dreading a future event that I can't necessarily predict. Although- the outcome is of course possible and- sometimes it even happens.

Dealing with it in that moment is usually easier than I imagined though. Which ought to tell me to stop catastrophizing but then- it can be difficult to change who we are.

I think it does me more harm than good though. While I suppose it might prepare me mentally for the worse case outcome, not knowing exactly how things will go wrong- we can't fully be prepared. Plus- it just means sleepless nights so- less ability to cope with the outcome either way.

I don't think it really does much to ease mental distress for me. It just makes me an unconfident, nervous wreck. When people pick up on that- they will then look for faults I think. I've been told so many times that I'm not confident and it's a problem- for me, for the company I represented.

On top of that is social anxiety- so I will also be many more times unconfident and uncomfortable in my own skin when other people are around. That only does me harm.

Looking back, I'm not sure how I even did some of the stuff I did. College, uni, customer facing and care jobs, running a department. It was excruciatingly bad at times. I feel like I'm nor prepared to put myself through that again. I just hope I can avoid it till I can escape all together.