Do you think you were neglected as a child?

[cait_sith]

It's crazy that at 35 years old after listening to a random podcast I just realized how neglected I was as a child. After my mother died when I was 11 my father or grandparents never sat down with me to talk how feel about it and talked through grief. I never was given any advice on money, career, love etc, and it never even occurred to me to go to my caregiver for advice on anything, I thought it was normal that everyone figures everything out on their own, I'm not even sure if the podcast exaggerated that it would be norm for caregivers to give advice on all these things, which is also why I am asking this in this thread. I never thought about going to my father for advice when I liked a girl in school, never given sex talk, the only thing that happened was that I was criticised for not having a girlfriend but without guidance, when I did heavy maladaptive daydreaming with jumping in my room for hours even in my late teens I was just critiqued for noise but there was never any investigation on why I do this, same with being in my room at the computer all day or smoking weed, even after my suicide attempt at early 20s my father never sat down with me to talk about why or how, the only time he talked about my "depression" with me was when he was drunk, saying I was lying (but I wasn't child anymore so doesn't really count). Now my father is dead for 10 years so there's no way to talk about it with him, I'm sure he didn't mean harm and the situation was hard and he was drinking a lot. I'm interested on how other people in this forum feel about the attention given by their caregivers and how this might relate to their current state.

 

[badatparties]

I was fed, clothed, and sheltered, but given absolutely zero guidance on anything else. They taught me nothing. Do I think it was detrimental to my development, most likely.

 

[Lady_V]

I think that whole generation was just neglectful and shit at raising little humans. My mother was 17 years older than my dad, and she sounds a lot like your gpa/dad. Emotions and issues were not talked about, explored, or managed.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I was both physically and emotionally abused. My entire family pretty much neglected me. I was mostly raised by the internet while I was growing up.

 

[Chemi]

Yeah, in a lot of ways I was neglected as a child, even though it wasn't the classic 'parents didn't care at all' picture.

My dad was physically and mentally abusive, very emotionally cold, and made it clear early on that he didn't want a daughter. He wanted a son. He tried every way he knew to 'fix' me into the child he imagined, including stuff that crossed serious lines. I don't think he's a monster though. He was repeating what was done to him as a child, probably mixed with undiagnosed autism that made emotions completely foreign to him. He just didn't know any other way.

My mom was the opposite in heart. She's genuinely kind and caring, but she worked insane hours in healthcare, double shifts for months at a time. By the time she got home, she was emotionally wrecked and had nothing left to give. I barely saw her for several weeks, and when I did, she didn't have the patience or energy to deal with my problems on top of her own. She's like me in that way: a soft soul completely overwhelmed by feelings, stuck in a storm she doesn't know how to escape. I could never be mad at her for trying to keep us afloat and help strangers while she was drowning herself.

I didn't get the love, attention, or safety I needed growing up. It left me wired to chase any scrap of affection I can find, even when it turns toxic or abusive, because it still feels like more than I ever got at home.

I'm not angry at them anymore. I think they both did the best they could with what they had. It just… wasn't enough. And that's the part that still hurts a lot.

 

[metfan647]

I was fed, clothed, and sheltered, but given absolutely zero guidance on anything else. They taught me nothing. Do I think it was detrimental to my development, most likely.

This is how my upbringing went also.

What a difference it would have made just for my dad to sit next to me just a few times and engage with me and even drop a compliment. He was like a stranger to me despite never not living away. Under the same roof but a total stranger. He had/has shit going on clearly. Parenthood was never for him.

 

[clarity]

This year I came across the term "emotional neglect". I read "Running on Empty" by Jonice Webb and "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson - and it felt like everything I couldn't explain about my childhood/family was written out in a book.

Growing up my physical needs were taken care of, but there was no emotional attunement, support etc.

I know it wasn't intentional. My parents just aren't capable of emotional maturity. I'm still struggling with periods of anger when I think about it - then feeling guilty because I feel this anger. I haven't felt anger in years. I feel really jealous of children with attentive/involved parents who do have emotional maturity, self awareness, accountability.

A few days ago I saw a kid licking an ice cream cone, and his mum was helping him hold it to make sure the ice cream doesn't drip onto him. I notice young families more now and it make me feel sad watching them.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I struggled with educational neglect. My parents knew I had a significant learning disability and refused to treat it.

 

[anhedonic_moron]

like others on here, my physical needs are met but my emotional state isn't. grew up entirely on the internet which fried my brain into oblivion. relationship with my father is non-existent and when interacting, it's walking on eggshells and he rages due to his diabetes, in recent years i catch myself avoiding him both subconsciously and deliberately since i know it won't go anywhere and honestly want to keep it that way. as for my mother, there also isn't much of a bond. couple that with being constantly infantilized and my father controlling me financially

 

[Macedonian1987]

I was fed, clothed, and sheltered, but given absolutely zero guidance on anything else. They taught me nothing. Do I think it was detrimental to my development, most likely.

My parents were totally the same. With one diference, now that im chronic pain they dont comfort me all. In fact they are very tired of me complaining about my pain.

 

[zdeweilx]

I was violently abused (physically), traumatised and scarred for life. So yeah in a way you could say I was neglected.

 

[Jisatsu]

I was taken care of shelter, clothing, food but always criticize for thinking for myself, for wanting any form of special attention and for being different...

 

[MicahBell]

All my physical needs were met, but I was raised by the internet from a very young age. There was no emotional vulnerability between me and my family, no talking about our feelings. No teaching of life skills but I was met with anger when I was incompetent at things my family didn't teach me.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Emotionally, yes. No guidance, no help. When I cried, they'd stare at me like I was the problem for having emotions in the first place.

But it wasn't just denying my needs, it was also emotional enmeshment / emotional incest. It was the constant expectation of me to be the parent and to coddle their needs. It was me needing to be my mother's "best friend" or she'd have a meltdown, and being either perfect or invisible to my father with no in-between. They left me to rot in front of a screen but then told me the hobbies and interests I discovered on the internet were cringy and annoying, all while insisting their interests and beliefs were superior while acting surprised that I didn't automatically share them, as if I need to read their mind about what they want. I learned to be hyper-receptive to other people's needs while ignoring my own signals, all while also learning far too late that all of their advice about forming actual relationships and friendships just scared everyone away from me. Thanks for isolating me from everyone, I love being the "golden" child while being taught absolutely nothing except how to be the perfect child for you.

There was a little bit of physical abuse, they deny it now.

 

[Parnate]

Yes neglected and abused.

 

[kuroshimi]

I was taken care so that I would grew up, but I felt some disappointment towards me. My parents wanted me to decide on my future as soon as possible. But I was already tormented by inner turmoil. The pressure was at its maximum.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I was fed, clothed, and sheltered, but given absolutely zero guidance on anything else. They taught me nothing. Do I think it was detrimental to my development, most likely.

Exactly. I needed to be warned against wasting my time and becoming weak. If I had been on that "tiger mother" grind I would have turned out well.

 

[Unlucky777]

I think that whole generation was just neglectful and shit at raising little humans. My mother was 17 years older than my dad, and she sounds a lot like your gpa/dad. Emotions and issues were not talked about, explored, or managed.

Yeah expressing emotions in my household was like forbidden. Surprisingly, everyone in my family has difficulty expressing emotions and avoid talking about anything emotional. I fucking wonder why.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I actually only came to the realization lately that I was medically neglected as a kid. Now my body is killing me because of it

I was already aware that my mom emotionally neglected me (though she tried her best), but my dad would drip-feed me lovebombing and manipulate me so I didn't realize he was doing it worse.

 

[alstroemeria55]

Raised by the internet, no real dad, mom with her own issues, ridiculed for having interests, taught not to trust anybody. I think it counts.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

100% emotional neglect, and to a smaller extent, physical (teeth rotting out of my head for example). I didn't realize until I was older and had kids of my own, what had happened to me. My dad hated my existence because I was conceived shortly after my parents were married, and I ruined his plans of living a great fun life with his new young bride. My popping in to existence totally ruined it for him and I still pay the price every day.

 

[Dust&Moonlight]

100%. The worst part is that it wasn't 'obvious.' I was fed well (too well; a lot of the neglect came from how I was allowed to get so fat as a child), had emotional support at times, and had many things that one would consider in a 'good', even privileged, childhood...

...but there were fundamental things that I just never had.

On top of the aforementioned food issues, I was never encouraged to brush my teeth or wash... leading me to now, where both are really hard for me to do regularly. I was kept away from my peers every single Summer, so my social skills were barely developed and I ended up an outcast for most of my childhood. Despite showing clear signs of depression, anxiety, and potential autism I was never taken to anyone who could help (though, of course, now I'm being encouraged to get that help myself, as if it wasn't fucking clear 15 years ago). I was left alone on the computer most days with barely any supervision. And, naturally, I also had to play the role of psychiatrist/parent at times, handling dramas and personal issues that I did not need to handle as a literal 13 year old.

I remember once I dog-sat for one of my Mom's work colleagues. Honestly it kind of broke me a bit, because I was able to see what a genuinely normal, calm and happy household could be. It was then that I sort of fully realised how fucked my upbringing was. Shit really, really sucks.