Do you plan to give something back at Christmas?

[noname223]

I am not particularly altrustic. I was raised to behave selfish. My cynical dad to this day still tells me that. My dad dodges the contact with me recently. I am too negative I assume. He has various issues currently. I wanted to cheer him up and texted him. But it seems like we won't meet on Christmas or New Years. Usually I spend New Year's eve with friends and spent the night at his apartment. But I will probably sleep at the apartment of a friend instead. Last years New Year's eve I was in a pretty good mood with no particular reason. Usually I get so tired from my medication and fall asleep. But it just didn't happen last year which was really weird. And a few days later I had this match with a woman from a dating app with whom I had a brief relationship which helped me a lot. Even though it didn't last long.

I don't give gifts to anyone. As a kid I gave a gift to my mom at her birthday. And she just rejected it and called it stupid. And well since this day giving my family presents is no option for me. Tomorrow I will see my grandma again. She had a couple of strokes and is not in a good conditon. I didn't see her for a long time. The thing with my therapist triggered me so much that I postponed meeting her a lot. I think seeing her bad health won't be pleasant for me. It will give me a guilty conscience. But I cannot change her condition anyway. I might meet the new boyfriend of my sister.

With my friends we don't exchange gifts and I am quite glad about that.

One present for me wasn't sent and I won't give this person a bad review. Does this count as gift? I am not getting that many presents from my family. And I am fine with that. I could buy me something from my own money as present for me. But I am too stingy.

Does all of that make me a bad person? I spent time with my family. I hope this counts as giving something back. In the last years I cried almost at each Christmas day after I had to spend the evening with them. It felt horrible. So much abuse I went through in this family. So much denial of what happened.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't really do Christmas. It's a tradition to send cards in my (large) outer family, so I did my bit there. I try to get nicer cards for my closer family and friends. Plus- those with children. I think it's more exciting for them really.

My parents send money and pick up a few usual things- calanders, socks. I always wrack my brains over what to get them. I sometimes end up getting nothing. I usually try and pay for a few outings or meals when I see them. I'll buy stuff during the year if it looks like they need something but- more at random dates.

I suppose I largely rejected Christmas because of problems in the family. When we were younger, they used to go mad- buying loads of presents. I suppose it really brought it home to me though- the contrast. Christmases before my Dad remarried, we still had presents but, the whole affair was smaller but happier. After that though- we'd get loads of stuff but then, I was so unhappy- being constantly bullied and afraid. So- I sort of rejected the whole crazy commercialized Christmas as a result. You can't buy feeling loved, safe and happy. Gifts don't make up for that.

I think absolutely though- you are providing the best gift if they want your company and, it's uncomfortable to be around them. That's simply sonething I won't do now. Ironically, I've sometimes used their 'trick' in the past- of sending an expensive gift. I used to be generous. I've fallen even further now. I think I'd prefer it in a way if we just all stopped bothering with it to be honest though.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I got my girlfriend an Apple watch. Now I get to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my altruism, ie. possibly receiving socks and deodorant in return. Surely 'it's the thought that counts' is just cope.