Objectively, I have not had a good life.
I have never had a long relationship, I have suffered from depression at many points, I am not close with family, at one point I had a lot of friends and now I have a not many friends and no one I regularly hang out with. I have also worked very hard, often to only have the results of that effort stymied, sometimes by my own depression and suicide ideation. Many people have been mean to me.
I have missed many of life's traditional milestones and am getting older. Although I do believe older people can still have great lives and I realize I could still fight this (join volunteer organizations, go to meetups, look for love online, try to start new chapters in my existence), I've had so many bad experiences that I am a pessimist and crave death amidst survival instinct, apathy, and sluggishness. Trying to beat depression as I get more older, fighting medical issues and loneliness, does not sound fun.
Additionally, I feel like despite my intelligence and things I am good at, I may have no place in society or may be of no value to anyone. There are so many people in this world, so many over-achievers, and I'm just one person who hasn't done much. My loneliness has constantly been a blight on my existence. There were times when I thought maybe I would get into a good relationship and be happy, and it felt like it almost sometimes was in reach... and then it never was. I am objectively also slightly below average in looks, wishing I could be with someone average or above average. It's not a great situation to be in. I now accept it is extraordinarily unlikely I will still find the great love of my life and end up in a long happy relationship with them and have essentially stopped trying to be happy, pining instead for death and also "dying well" instead of living well.
I realize so many people have had it so, so much worse. The people in Gaza, they have it worse. People dealing with worse medical issues, just fighting to survive, have it worse. I occasionally have some Western comforts. I wish I were a good person, always able to overcome the bad things that happen to me with elegance and tenacity and joviality, but I just had too many bad things happen, too many people hurling viciousness my way, and sometimes being a good person and doing good things and seeming normal is a luxury that poor unhappy people can't afford. And so I exist, lonely, not trying to change, objectively accepting that I am helpless but at least abandoning that pain caused from trying again and again. People are social and verbal animals that function in groups, and I have no group at this point, nor do I necessarily have the happiness to avoid being a wet blanket to any group. In the American Heritage Dictionary, under wet blanket, it shows an illustration of me, Clara Catchingthebus.
