Do You Find It Harder To CTB After You've Attempted Multiple Times?

[timechained]

I find it frustrating to admit but I feel like the compounding effects of failing multiple times, the ongoing interventions from mental health workers, being sent to psych ward multiple times, and being on SaSu, has resulted in me actually feeling less likely to want to CTB.

Before CTB was a clear necessity, now CTB seems like just a dream.

I still desire to CTB because nothing in my life has changed, I am just stuck between wanting to die to escape this hell hole and needing to live because I still exist.

I am wondering if you have attempted multiple times and dealt with the after effects, do you now have similar experiences?

What stops you from CTB again?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm not sure it's made me any less likely to CTB, but it has definitely ruled out certain methods for me. Like I was pretty intent on drowning as my method initially, but after actually facing the water and feeling the fear course through my veins, I don't think I could ever consider it again.

For some people, they find that once they've attempted and failed with one method, they can't try it again because their body develops an aversion to it, though this is far from universal.

Regardless it's normal for people to take years between attempts. Not necessarily because those attempts changed anything, though they may have learned what's effective and what's not, but because there are natural ups and downs in life and your "window of opportunity" to CTB isn't just perpetually open. It opens, then closes for a while, then opens again, etc.

So for me, the reason I haven't attempted again isn't because my reasons for wanting to CTB have changed, but just because my mood happened to improve and my window closed -- for now.

 

[ccoki17]

In my teens to early 20's, my ideation was extremely impulsive. I would have repetitive attempts that spanned for hours sometimes days. I'm not sure where that energy, willpower , desire whatever you want to call it went lol but I've certainly lost it post multiple failures. Mid 20's I started making more in depth plans, and thinking more about the ramifications of things....more what ifs and more research.....but I also held onto the idea that I was going to mess it up and that I suck so much I can't even do this right....but, I'm rambling..... the way I really see it is, ideation has grown but also matured alongside me. And nothing helps it. Not meds, not therapies....I try tho.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I don't find it harder. I'd have never failed had I had the right tool(s) in the first place. It's locating them that has always been the issue. I'd prefer something that doesn't involve much pain or suffering. I don't want to linger gasping for air, in pain, etc. It's finding the tool(s) to get there that is hard for me.

 

[teeteringontheedge]

It depends on how the attempt goes is my best guess. like Alexei above said its not the same for all people...
But id say if you take the correct countermeasures against all the impleasantries youll encounter then for sure i can see many people saying "no it doesnt get harder after multiple attempts".

But as someone who has indeed attempted multiple attempts in part due to very impulsive decisions, like my first ever one of just going into the school bathroom and shoving paper towels down my throat with the intent of just clogging my air ways with paper towels and puke.

I can tell you that the memories burn themselves in deep, very very very deep.
The pain and the agony of something as painful as choking to death whilst puke also begins to fill your lungs are bound to come up each time youll catch yourself thinking about trying that one again.

Especially if you sustain permanent damage from such an attempt - as these damages will serve you as an constant remainder that any future attempt could leave you unable to even attempt another try in the first place.

And the fear of more permanent damage piling on is the biggest factor that will stay your hand for good... even if the mind yearns for it youll freeze in shock and stand there paralyzed like a deer in the headlights as your mind drifts to your unpleasant previous attempts or even begins to extrapolates these feeling of pain towards other methods aswell.

i can tell you that i cant jump at the train station cause i dont wanna survive with an an arm and leg less despite never having done that before.
I am scared of chugging bleach / washing detergent once more and getting an Tracheostomy tube this time.

Whilst back then i would have just done and did any of the more spontaneous and impulsive suicide methods without hesitation nor fear of death - i now have an fear of the pain involved and the chance of failure.
Doesnt matter if its drowning, jumping, hanging, doing NS or even suffocating with an Exit Bag.

 

[User35688446786]

As you get older your risk appetite decreases naturally, and you begin to see the dangerous side of stuff more, and the ramifications of a serious failed attempt. As ccoki17 said they tried lots of attempts in short time frames when they were younger (I also did this, I'd have days of just repeatedly trying to hang myself all day) but now they plan more (same). But also rejection, if you applied for lots and lots of jobs and got rejected all the time you'd start to lose hope, same with suicide attempts. If you've tried many things and fail lots you begin to lose faith in the process, and feel let down (weird wording). That in turn can sometimes lead to thinking it's better to just keep going at being alive.