Do you enjoy planning suicide?

[penguinl0v3s]

I wanted to share that my friend randomly sent me this meme. Which might not be very nice, but I did find it funny because SI causes that horrible problem.

 

[Michelstaedter]

If I had a bottle of N, I'd definitely enjoy thinking about the day and time I'd do it. Maybe I'd feel a little anxious and insecure, but I'd be very happy to see that the day I'd had enough, I'd finally be free of this world.

The reality is that I find procrastination worse when I think about planning, just like my life has been.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I say yeah. Just like having a kill switch helps, so does planning.

 

[LastNite]

always the onion news

 

[ToTheNeverland]

I wouldn't say enjoyment but it certainly feels relieving

 

[Crow_88]

I found it liberating. And a relief because the pain was going to stop. Then it failed.

 

[Griever]

I've already set a date and I'm just waiting for that day to come

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not really. It mainly makes me nervous, thinking about the actual process. Will it work? How much pain and fear will I experience?

I strangely didn't feel a huge amount buying SN but again- it wasn't exactly a joyful process. Do I do it now- before it becomes harder to get? Do I risk a welfair check? Will I get a welfair check? (Yes- IC.) Will the antiemetics I have be ok? They're way out of date.

Should I try and obtain a backup method? Inert gas sounds a reasonable option. Finding the correct equipment looks like a bit of a minefield though. I don't either want my (nosey) neighbours seeing the delivery of a large gas cyinder though and, I don't want to have to store one either. Other methods seem far more peaceful but, I don't want the anxiety of breaking the law.

Nah- I don't think active ideation is at all calming! It's more passive ideation that I tend to find comforting- One day I'll be free. Thinking about the dying process itself and planning for it I find frightening.

I suppose compared to actually doing it though- maybe thinking about it will turn out nicer. Who can say? I sort of just want to get it over with now- to be honest but, I'm waiting for my Dad to go first.

It's a peculiar quote though. The implication being what? Men prefer to just do it, rather than think about it? I think statistically- isn't it- more men succeed but, more women attempt? Maybe the quote is based around that.

 

[CynicalCyanide]

Yes, definitely.
It feels relieving, but enjoyable as well. It is very difficult to CTB, as you all know, and making progress gives me a kick and makes me feel in control. I'm actually achieving something. There are a lot of steps to take, difficult ones too, and when I overcome one of those difficulties I feel motivation. Sometimes I even wanna tell people about it, but can't for obvious reasons.
At the same time I feel sad it has to come to this. I just want a happy life but I logically think the chance is smaller that I will be happy, rather than unhappy.
On the other hand, the last step is actually the hardest: actually doing it. I don't know if i can do it. I have some ideas to make this easier but it still is the hardest step of all and I'm afraid I can't do it and have to keep living.

 

[catfriend]

On the other hand, the last step is actually the hardest: actually doing it. I don't know if i can do it. I have some ideas to make this easier but it still is the hardest step of all and I'm afraid I can't do it and have to keep living.

yeah, this is where i'm at. by the time my ctb date rolls around in june, i'll have been planning/preparing for two months. i'm worried i'll get 'cold feet' at the last moment. what i'm doing now is the easy (and fun) part -- there's no SI in play; it's more a project than anything.

 

[Emerita]

I think it gives a sense of control in the moment of planning and gives a sense of relief at the future peace, theres also the feeling of having something to look forward to and the freedom of knowing the end.

 

[SufferingInDenmark]

I wouldn't say enjoyment but it certainly feels relieving

same

 

[deathisapanacea]

Not exactly planning but I enjoy fantasizing about different suicide modes.

 

[Reflection]

I dont enjoy it really, the only thing that bring me any semblance of joy is the idea of ending my pain, suicide or otherwise. In fact I'd rather not kill myself if I can help it but the way things are it seems it's the only way out.

 

[J&L383]

If I had a bottle of N, I'd definitely enjoy thinking about the day and time I'd do it. Maybe I'd feel a little anxious and insecure, but I'd be very happy to see that the day I'd had enough, I'd finally be free of this world.

The reality is that I find procrastination worse when I think about planning, just like my life has been.

I can relate to the procrastination problem.

 

[Apathy79]

Planning is my procrastination. You should see how many times I have planned to go to the gym, or planned to have one last tub of ice cream then no more, or planned to read a book, or planned to write part of a book, or planned to meditate, or planned to clean the house, shit I could go on forever. About 1% of it ever gets done. Definitely relatable.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Enjoy is not the word I would choose.

It gives me relief. It gives my chronically panicked brain a pressure release. A reminder than we can leave anytime.

Planning and even sometimes acting it out gives me more relief than talking to a therapist who is just trying to keep me alive regardless of my suffering.

Helps me feel like I have control in a world where we are slowly losing control over ourselves and our bodies.

It's the same concept as making a to-do list when you are overwhelmed by tasks. Helps the brain relax just a little bit.

 

[wham311]

Only thing that keeps me going. If I don't have this I'm just stuck with my thoughts

 

[VoidButterfly]

Enjoy is not the word I would choose.

It gives me relief. It gives my chronically panicked brain a pressure release. A reminder than we can leave anytime.

Planning and even sometimes acting it out gives me more relief than talking to a therapist who is just trying to keep me alive regardless of my suffering.

Helps me feel like I have control in a world where we are slowly losing control over ourselves and our bodies.

It's the same concept as making a to-do list when you are overwhelmed by tasks. Helps the brain relax just a little bit.

This is exactly how I'd word it too, relief and a sense of control. Without these little steps I'd be going crazy and probably making very poor impulsive decisions.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Yes, I enjoy planning, considering different methods, walking through it in my mind. These activities make more sense than being terrified of death, foolishly hoping things will change, or wasting time on money on silly things. It seems very reasonable and logical to me.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

making progress gives me a kick and makes me feel in control. I'm actually achieving something.

Glad I'm not the only one, I was surprised to hear that I seem like an outlier. I need everything to be prepped in case shit in my life goes horribly wrong--again!! If I don't have it prepped and the next bad year comes along, I'll survive it and just be miserable the year after that. All the steps besides the actual death itself are easy. I like progress.

[...]

I like your profile picture and the interpretation that he is a symbol is great.

 

[lifeless.wav]

I used to, but now I'm feeling trapped and wanna a solution either death or living.
I want relief from all this shit going on in my life.

 

[fallingbehind]

I think about what happens after, post-ctb, but it stresses me out to think about the "how" because my only feasible choice is jumping, which can always go wrong.

 

[vitbar]

It does satisfy some of my preferences: learning, searching for information, in depth reading, problem solving.

 

[mourningyesterday]

no, im pissed nd ashamed i let it get this far but not much i can do now

 

[HereWeGo!]

No, I don't really enjoying it when planning, because I'm thinking about it almost all the time and that's really exhausting.
But I can feel a little bit calm when I'm sitting right beside the train tracks. It gives me the feeling of some kind of control over my situation. That I can quit my life if I really want to. Then I also know that SI is a bitch and I probably won't do it. But still it can comfort me a bit being at my planned CTB-spot. So I often going to my intended CTB-spot and feeling calmness.

Anyone else here experiencing the same feeling when being at the spot for your intended CTB or being in the preparation for a try?

 

[InboxRain292]

I do enjoy planning it, since it kinda "grounds me" and tells me that I can make this (ctb) real one day, and I'm actually actively doing that by planning it. It makes me feel more comforted and I think it's kinda a way of coping for me

 

[just a bird]

I've gotten cold feet before, I've cried while planning before. I don't think I'll enjoy dying, at least for the part where I'm conscious. Planning and being right next to my stuff is grounding though, I agree with y'all. The sense of control is nice.

 

[maka]

I do tbh. I plan to do it at a hotel and the thought of taking myself on one last vacation is exciting, I can't wait.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

No because I keep running into non-working "solutions"