Do you also constantly think about suicide the entire day?

[virtualdreamplaza]

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep that's the one constant thing I keep on thinking about
I keep on playing scenarios in my head of my last day here, what I'll say to my friends, what I'll say to my Mom.. I really need to order some SN and quick.
My birthday is in 3 days and this is my last year here, so I wanna make the most of it at least how I can..
When my last day will come I'll probably rent some hotel room, take hella drugs and chill out, waiting patiently for the SN to kick in and fall to an endless sleep

 

[bed]

the thought is in the back of my head most of the time. it's exhausting and does take a toll on you. happy early birthday, i hope your bday is as good as can be <3

 

[indefinitesleep]

all day everyday its like my only pastime

 

[drella]

lately yeah but dissociation has been helping

 

[Daryl72]

most of the day, the thought does go through my mind. I'm so far gone mentally and I seriously know it's only a matter of time at this point.

 

[davidtorez]

Most of the day here too

 

[jumpman133]

Unless I'm asleep it's all I think about and I'm beyond desperate to find the right method to CTB.

 

[Steff1337]

Actually, no. I'm on and off suicidal. I think of it for some time but at other times thoughts go away.

 

[sickofthisht]

Since I decided it's what I'm going to do, it's all I've really thought about. Ironically it has taken my mind off a whole load of other shit and first day I have been able to function

 

[jahjoe]

No, personally for me CTB is an insurance policy.

Iv been through so much shit in my life and i really cant take any more disturbances to my peace of mind.
I'm currently going through a period of healing, crying a lot and trying to process hidden memories of trauma
This i can manage, and wouldn't be the reason for me to ctb.

My reason is a bit more complicated than that, the details of which will have to wait until i'm gone.
Long story short, my life is about to take a massive turn for the worse,
something iv been fighting not to happen for the last year.
yet the people who could help me avoid this pitfall keep gas lighting me
and refuse to help me because of some "policy" bullshit.
Even though they are well capable and this pitfall is illogical.

The Yale University Lecture called "The rationality of suicide"
gives an example of life going well with foresight to it going shit.
The shitty hell I'm about to face is not something I am willing to live through.
as the saying goes "over my dead body"

Ironically Iv sent doctors letters warning them of the risk they are are putting me in
and they know full well this could lead to a suicide, yet they think I'm bluffing.
so sadly they will only find out that i am not bluffing when its too late.

One thing i can say is that because this battle has been going on for over a year now,
Iv had two near suicides, Why? because i wanted to send them a warning.
However these warnings have been ignored. although this does mean that if there is
no resolve and i do ctb, at least it wont be a shock to my friends

That i can be grateful for, although it sucks that i have to lie to them and pretend that i'm
okay with the turn for worse that my life is about to take, but Im not going to let anyone stop me.
I mean for one of my friends to intervene so that they can "save me" as in keep me as a friend,
would be very selfish of them as i would literally be living in hell.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Yes but not because I'm suicidal. I do it because I'm trying to find out where I can exactly do it and how.

 

[Dot]

= Y am on SaSu all dy

 

[noreallynotmarcy]

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep that's the one constant thing I keep on thinking about
I keep on playing scenarios in my head of my last day here, what I'll say to my friends, what I'll say to my Mom.. I really need to order some SN and quick.
My birthday is in 3 days and this is my last year here, so I wanna make the most of it at least how I can..
When my last day will come I'll probably rent some hotel room, take hella drugs and chill out, waiting patiently for the SN to kick in and fall to an endless sleep

Yes. I have a twitch where I say it out loud. It happens a few times a day.

 

[Traveller12724]

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep that's the one constant thing I keep on thinking about
I keep on playing scenarios in my head of my last day here, what I'll say to my friends, what I'll say to my Mom.. I really need to order some SN and quick.
My birthday is in 3 days and this is my last year here, so I wanna make the most of it at least how I can..
When my last day will come I'll probably rent some hotel room, take hella drugs and chill out, waiting patiently for the SN to kick in and fall to an endless sleep

It may not be a good idea to mix taking drugs with SN, it's always best to stick to Stan's guideline or the PPEH

 

[kyhoti]

Not all day, as I am doing lots of things to take my mind off of the inevitable. However, when I have lulls, it's right there. In moments when I instinctually plan for the future, I'm reminded that I won't be around that long. Honestly, it's like a paper cut that I forget about until I bang it into something.

 

[outrider567]

Its always there

 

[sickofthisht]

As of today ye, I booked off the rest of the week on Monday because I wasn't feeling it and I went to the pub for a beer in the morning and I was just sat in there reading this forum

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Used to be like this, not nearly as much as before nowadays. It's not the same kind of suicidal thoughts as before really so that might have something to do with that

 

[whotookmylexapro]

Not purposely, I only get suicidal when I feel trapped/overwhelmed by my intrusive thoughts and mental illness, which is unfortunately frequent…..

 

[tone]

Yes. Thinking about ctb actually helps me fall asleep at night, too.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Adidas.

 

[eatantz]

It calms me down to dream about dying, I feel free and hopeful. All day I think about it, can't wait to order SN

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes all day hard to focus on anything else

 

[buoy]

It's the relief from actually thinking… all day nondescript thought s. I think that's why im having trouble getting the courage to do it.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

all day everyday its like my only pastime

Same

 

[glitteryaliens]

Everyday. I often think about impulsively slitting my throat. Or I'll try to strategically plan how to do it.

 

[oneirataxia]

Daydreaming about my suicide probably constitutes half of my waking thoughts. I get this very odd feeling when exposed to a person or a thing that is filled with optimism, it feels so cognitively dissonant to engage with someone or something that lacks such an extreme degree of misery. It's completely and utterly foreign to me.

 

[souleater]

I'm planning for a bad day where the better option would be to ctb rather than face what comes next. This day might be sooner rather than later so I am thinking everyday of it.

 

[catnowmeowmeow]

It's a hyperfixation right now thanks to my adhd

 

[CantDoIt]

Kind of...I think of that and then all the things that bother me and what I should have done instead and those keep looping in my head repeatedly, lmao