Do social interactions throw off your mental preparedness to ctb?

[Exhausted546]

So my plan was to ctb at 4pm since I'm alone from 4 to 5pm everyday so I need to be hang between 4-4:30ish to make sure I'm dead at 5. Been preparing myself mentally all day, I've never been this sure I was gonna do it. Finalized the suicide letter, visualized myself kicking the chair, accepted it'd be uncomfortable and painful for several seconds, revisualized several times.

I had a meeting with the hospital's social worker (forced meeting) at 11am be pushed to 2h30pm. No big deal, hoped the meeting would last 10-15 mins at most. It ended around 4:10 pm. It was a pleasant conversation, I felt heard, it almost gave me hope even

All of sudden It's like my level of preparedness went back to 0 and I had to get myself in the right mindset again.
Am I the only one dealing with this shit?

Tomorrow is no good either I'm essentially forced hang out with my friend that got me sent to the psych ward in the afternoon . It'll throw me off again unless I manage to postpone it

Deep down it might just be excuses and I should just put the noose around my neck and kick the chair next time I'm alone for an hour regardless of how mentally prepared I feel

 

[sanctionedusage]

yeah ive definitely mentioned this before! it feels awkward/out of place. even if its a neutral encounter that doesn't make me 'feel' any better, i start to feel weird about this person talking to someone that, an hour later, is just a corpse. it makes me uncomfortable with the idea of myself post-mortem

part of my plan includes cutting remaining friends off so i have no external 'noise' messing up my headspace and distracting me. id also avoid social interaction with anyone otw to the ctb place for the reasons above

 

[Exhausted546]

yeah ive definitely mentioned this before! it feels awkward/out of place. even if its a neutral encounter that doesn't make me 'feel' any better, i start to feel weird about this person talking to someone that, an hour later, is just a corpse. it makes me uncomfortable with the idea of myself post-mortem

part of my plan includes cutting remaining friends off so i have no external 'noise' messing up my headspace and distracting me. id also avoid social interaction with anyone otw to the ctb place for the reasons above

Exactly, part of me also thought that the hospital's social worker could potentially get in trouble, how come a patient killed himself a minutes after he met you.

Avoiding social interaction is what I did the first time but because I didn't reply to any text for 2 weeks, my friend got suspicious and knocked at my door. My dad opened. I made the mistake of confessing my plans to my friend,he's a healthcare professional so no shit he had me institutionalized.

Should have kept it to myself. Needless to see I'm on close watch now. Ive been pretending I was normal but I know I can't ctb tomorrow if I meet up with him at 3 tomorrow. He will get suspicious of I postpone meeting him for a 3rd time. So I just told him I had a social worker meeting me at 4pm.

By then I hope I'll have summoned the determination I had earlier today and ctb.

 

[Suicidalastronaut]

They absolutely do and it sucks. My SI is strong as fuck which is crazy because I don't want to do anything but die.