Venting Disgusted in myself

[mold]

The person I loved and wanted to marry was the only thing keeping me together for the last year and a half.

I told them in 2024 after being incredibly self destructive, and probably admittedly awful, asked them to wait for me to work to make myself and my life better and then I'll ask for marriage. They said they'd hold me to it.

Fast forward I work my ass off, get a good GPA, move out of an awful living situation and things mentally are bad but I figured it would all be okay because I'm going to marry someone I considered my soulmate. Fast forward to February and my soulmate thought I was scary and that I hated them for years, and that I was being cold, and fell out of love with me. Moved on, and then started dating someone who bullied me for a year in the past.

In December 2025 and January of this year I went to visit their home in hopes of not literally ending it all in the winter and everything felt perfect. We kissed, spent time together, and everything felt magical, we even had multiple sexual experiences together. It made me sure that I wanted to marry them.

And I was so confused in February, what had changed in a month's time? What did I do wrong? Was I not showing my love enough? I was already on the edge and I spent the past few months spiraling. And today they told me they only let me hug and kiss them and the sexual experiences just to make me happy. They didn't actually want it, and they said they actually wanted me to stop. But apparently I was too blind to see. They told me it doesn't actually upset them, but that they just wanted me to know. I don't care if it doesn't upset them. In my mind I'm no better than my past abuser, even if they don't see it that way. I didn't get to kill myself this weekend like I had planned to because I fucking fail every time.

I know I have friends and family who love me and care about me but I'm too ill and unfixable to care anymore. I've failed every attempt this month, so I think I'm sick of trying to go out "quickly" or "painlessly" or "comfortably". I'm just done.

I'm going to jump off a big bridge at the end of the week. I don't care anymore. I'm going to miss my birthday but I don't care. I know people have survived jumping off this bridge but I don't care.

It will be over soon, I hope.
For context, they never once said no to any of my advances or made any indication that they didn't want to pursue anything romantic or sexual with me. When I say I was blind I mean it more hypothetically, that I wished I could've seen they didn't love me anymore. I know logically it wasn't actually assault or harassment but all I see is my abuser.

 

[meatballlover]

Now that sounds terrible. Really terrible

 

[mold]

The person I loved and wanted to marry was the only thing keeping me together for the last year and a half.

I told them in 2024 after being incredibly self destructive, and probably admittedly awful, asked them to wait for me to work to make myself and my life better and then I'll ask for marriage. They said they'd hold me to it.

Fast forward I work my ass off, get a good GPA, move out of an awful living situation and things mentally are bad but I figured it would all be okay because I'm going to marry someone I considered my soulmate. Fast forward to February and my soulmate thought I was scary and that I hated them for years, and that I was being cold, and fell out of love with me. Moved on, and then started dating someone who bullied me for a year in the past.

In December 2025 and January of this year I went to visit their home in hopes of not literally ending it all in the winter and everything felt perfect. We kissed, spent time together, and everything felt magical, we even had multiple sexual experiences together. It made me sure that I wanted to marry them.

And I was so confused in February, what had changed in a month's time? What did I do wrong? Was I not showing my love enough? I was already on the edge and I spent the past few months spiraling. And today they told me they only let me hug and kiss them and the sexual experiences just to make me happy. They didn't actually want it, and they said they actually wanted me to stop. But apparently I was too blind to see. They told me it doesn't actually upset them, but that they just wanted me to know. I don't care if it doesn't upset them. In my mind I'm no better than my past abuser, even if they don't see it that way. I didn't get to kill myself this weekend like I had planned to because I fucking fail every time.

I know I have friends and family who love me and care about me but I'm too ill and unfixable to care anymore. I've failed every attempt this month, so I think I'm sick of trying to go out "quickly" or "painlessly" or "comfortably". I'm just done.

I'm going to jump off a big bridge at the end of the week. I don't care anymore. I'm going to miss my birthday but I don't care. I know people have survived jumping off this bridge but I don't care.

It will be over soon, I hope.
For context, they never once said no to any of my advances or made any indication that they didn't want to pursue anything romantic or sexual with me. When I say I was blind I mean it more hypothetically, that I wished I could've seen they didn't love me anymore. I know logically it wasn't actually assault or harassment but all I see is my abuser.

Update: they said they felt guilty that I said I was spending Christmas alone again so they let me do all those things to them. Is that not insane? I can't wait to ctb.

 

[cyanlove]

Hey, what they did was messed up. But it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry they said this to you and manipulated your feelings because they wanted to "make you happy" but completely doing the opposite.

 

[hiding the roses]

Absolutely insane. No idea why people have this much disregard for others feelings even if they disguise it with fake remorse. I hope for you and your attempt!

 

[mold]

Thanks for all the kind words guys. It's really funny (?) to me that strangers on a suicide forum are kinder to me than the people I trusted for years.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry everything you've gone through has resulted in you wanting to end your life in such a horrible way, by jumping off a bridge. But to be fair, I want to end mine with decapitation so in some ways I understand. I don't know if anything I say can help you at all but I went through a period where I was disgusted with myself too after my break up with my ex. I know now what happened wasn't my fault or her fault, we just met under bad circumstances and the happy life I hoped we would have together wasn't meant to be. I wanted her to be happy more than myself, but I know seeing her happy would've helped me feel much better in general. I just couldn't make that happen.

I hope you can find a way to not be disgusted with yourself, whether you end your life or not. That final decision should only be made if it's the only way to end your suffering, but don't do it because you see it as a punishment for yourself when you don't deserve any kind of punishment.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

As much as that sucks, don't let it be your reason to CTB. What I'm seeing in your post is that your life has potential, you have a good GPA, you've been working on yourself, etc. The only part that doesn't make sense to me is why is it so critical to find someone to marry now, when there's no reason to rush that. You do not sound too broken to fix. Get therapy, work through everything that you can, stop putting all the blame on yourself for what happened. Learn how to be ok when you're not in a relationship. This is your first time being alive, you're still learning & growing. These are all just learning experiences. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but there's a way forward if you want to take it. I wish you the best .