Suicide is almost always performed in an altered state of mind due to SI. A lot of people do it without much thinking, and often for reasons that i would laugh at because of how horrific my 'life' has become. Excuse me, but I have lost my heart and all my empathy after suffering so much and talking with so many people that I became a monster. It is little worse than the worst nightmare you can ever imagine. At one time I had a lot of money and opportunities, and gradually spiraled and lost it all. Everybody told me they can't help me after taking money from me, or i ran from difficult problems. In the end from someone with depression and garbage family i lost physical health, became a hardcore junkie, got into gigantic debt that i would never pay in my whole life, my whole life collapsed, and i am at the last stretch after something puts the final nail in my coffin. And for years i endured all of this instead of CTB. I have always been a pathetic coward that ran away from everything, thus I ran away from my doom for as long as possible as well, even though I had nothing left for years and no hope, nothing except pain.
I would like to point out the difference between feeling hopeless and being hopeless. A lot of people here seem to feel hopeless rather than be hopeless. What i mean by that, they have real problems but these problems aren't directly threatening to fall on their head and crush it. I have somewhat of 5 to 10 different critical issues which all have clocks on them, meaning if i don't resolve them in time each one is going to kill me or leave me incapacitated and end my life forever. And I can't solve any of them since I was broke for years and to do a single thing in this world you need money.
I don't know how it was for other people who were suicidal for years or decades, but for me it was first a thought, a convenient fantasy, that if things go wrong I will just CTB. If that was true I would have been gone from here many years ago. If you let life to continue trampling you suicide will become a choice, meaning you can choose to suffer or CTB. And finally, after enough time, you will be in so much pain and with no way of changing the course of your life that CTB is the only one and last choice of autonomy you have before things will destroy you to the point there will be no you anymore. I endured too many nights thinking I'll die, suffering from unbearable physical pain, I am traumatized to the point that getting out of bed is difficult, and I am on a 30mg dose of the strongest anti anxiety medication available on the market. I think I have C-PTSD but no matter.
Well. usually nobody reads my stuff or there is nothing to be said because my situation is unsolvable and much of it is my fault. Trainspotting. I Clock watching. I want it all to be a bad dream because the game is lost and i have no cards left to play. I want to give up, feel nothing and just do it, just like people that do it every day over 1/100 problems that I have.
I would like to point out the difference between feeling hopeless and being hopeless. A lot of people here seem to feel hopeless rather than be hopeless. What i mean by that, they have real problems but these problems aren't directly threatening to fall on their head and crush it. I have somewhat of 5 to 10 different critical issues which all have clocks on them, meaning if i don't resolve them in time each one is going to kill me or leave me incapacitated and end my life forever. And I can't solve any of them since I was broke for years and to do a single thing in this world you need money.
I don't know how it was for other people who were suicidal for years or decades, but for me it was first a thought, a convenient fantasy, that if things go wrong I will just CTB. If that was true I would have been gone from here many years ago. If you let life to continue trampling you suicide will become a choice, meaning you can choose to suffer or CTB. And finally, after enough time, you will be in so much pain and with no way of changing the course of your life that CTB is the only one and last choice of autonomy you have before things will destroy you to the point there will be no you anymore. I endured too many nights thinking I'll die, suffering from unbearable physical pain, I am traumatized to the point that getting out of bed is difficult, and I am on a 30mg dose of the strongest anti anxiety medication available on the market. I think I have C-PTSD but no matter.
Well. usually nobody reads my stuff or there is nothing to be said because my situation is unsolvable and much of it is my fault. Trainspotting. I Clock watching. I want it all to be a bad dream because the game is lost and i have no cards left to play. I want to give up, feel nothing and just do it, just like people that do it every day over 1/100 problems that I have.
