chudeatte
fml
- Aug 5, 2025
- 53
I cannot bring myself to even pretend to care for anything anymore, im just sick of it all. I used to try and convince myself that I cared about certain things because other people cared about them, and I wanted to try and seem normal rather than just being honest and saying 'I dont care about anything and nothing is keeping me alive anymore'. I dont care about my family. I dont care about relationships. I dont care about my education. I dont care about working. I dont care about my future. I dont even care about myself. I dont care to even put up this act anymore, im done pretending. it drains me to fake it all the time.
im just sick of living, honestly. I hate going out because I hate been seen by other people. its not really social anxiety, I just hate being perceived and reminded that I exist. when im such a loser like I am now, where I stay in my room all day doing nothing, its hard to feel like I do exist. but I like that, its as close to death as ill get since im too afraid to ctb now and I like being alone. so when im out and I have to engage in literally anything, I feel something like disgust and I feel like I would do anything to stop existing in the presence of other people. this causes me great issues, so I stay home even more, or if I have to go out I do it when its dark. yet I hate being home because I hate my family, I hate the noise they make even if they're just walking and I just want to be left alone in silence. I am never comfortable. no matter where I am, what im doing, what people surround me, what music im listening to, I just dont feel connected to any of it. its like im in a kind of demo version of the world where I have restricted access and everyone else is enjoying the full thing. I wonder why everyone seems more fulfilled than I do, why I seem incapable of caring about anything or why I feel so alien. I could say I dont even care about that, but I do because I am perpetually empty and numb. I dont feel much and it is horrible. I dont want to feel this apathy all the time. this constant 'meh' attitude is a terrible thing to live with all day every day especially alongside my depression. ive always been this way, I just used to hide it but over the years it has gotten worse, and my willingness to pretend to be normal has decreased. its hard to explain this feeling in words but I tried my best. birth really was a curse. I wish I was never born.
im just sick of living, honestly. I hate going out because I hate been seen by other people. its not really social anxiety, I just hate being perceived and reminded that I exist. when im such a loser like I am now, where I stay in my room all day doing nothing, its hard to feel like I do exist. but I like that, its as close to death as ill get since im too afraid to ctb now and I like being alone. so when im out and I have to engage in literally anything, I feel something like disgust and I feel like I would do anything to stop existing in the presence of other people. this causes me great issues, so I stay home even more, or if I have to go out I do it when its dark. yet I hate being home because I hate my family, I hate the noise they make even if they're just walking and I just want to be left alone in silence. I am never comfortable. no matter where I am, what im doing, what people surround me, what music im listening to, I just dont feel connected to any of it. its like im in a kind of demo version of the world where I have restricted access and everyone else is enjoying the full thing. I wonder why everyone seems more fulfilled than I do, why I seem incapable of caring about anything or why I feel so alien. I could say I dont even care about that, but I do because I am perpetually empty and numb. I dont feel much and it is horrible. I dont want to feel this apathy all the time. this constant 'meh' attitude is a terrible thing to live with all day every day especially alongside my depression. ive always been this way, I just used to hide it but over the years it has gotten worse, and my willingness to pretend to be normal has decreased. its hard to explain this feeling in words but I tried my best. birth really was a curse. I wish I was never born.
