Discussion Desire the fall

[VoidButterfly]

The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

I've been thinking about this quote recently. I think a big part of me actually does desire the fall, especially when I've attempted in the past it hasn't been because I fear the enclosing flames, rather it has been out of a sense of hopelessness. Currently though, I'd put myself in the fear the flames category, when I attempt this time it will be because things are getting so bad I just want out immediately. So yeah, I'm wondering, where do you all fall on this? Are you worried about how bad things are getting in your life and trying to avoid that, or are you utterly hopeless and no amount of changes to your circumstances could change your intentions? Do you desire the fall or are you fearing the flames?

 

[canoekit]

I personally desire the fall. Sure, the flames are terrifying, but only because I know there was a time just not long ago when they were far, far away from me. I thought they would never be near again. Now, I desire the fall simply as I am aware they'll just keep getting closer. It's neither hopelessness or misery that I'm feeling though, I just know that my death is inevitable. For a while now, all I believe is that people like me are meant to die, and I've grown to want it. I desire to die because nothing will change. No amount of help, no amount of support, no amount of time. Nothing seems to make me desire to stay alive, or to feel any hope as I used to.

 

[Forveleth]

I do not fear the flames I just do not want to be by the fire anymore. If the fall is what will facilitate that then I will do it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's a little of both for me. At the moment, I'm just plain stuck here while I wait for a loved one to go first. But, I can absolutely envisage situations in life following that, that would push me to the edge. Old age and illness would certainly be one. The other would be circumstances but then- if I could avoid those circumstances- maybe I would try that.

I feel more like- I don't want to be in the position where the flames are licking at my ankles. I don't want to commit in a panicked state. I want it to feel like a calm and rational decision- which I believe it will be for me.

So- similar to other members- it's more that I can see the fire approaching. I can see the inevitability of it getting worse and worse. And soon, there'll be little reason for me to just hang about waiting for that to happen.

That actually infuriates me about assisted suicide. That you can be very ill but, not ill enough to qualify. Almost like a- come back when you can't walk. When it will be agony for you to travel. Then we'll consider helping you.

Besides, I've been in a burning building since childhood. I've already stayed a lifetime. I think I will have held on long enough when I do feel free to go.

I think there's another side to it too though. It doesn't have to necessarily be extreme fear or extreme pain that makes you feel like you no longer want to be somewhere. Just being unhappy enough with little hope of improving matters but more- no reason to stay I think can be enough to be looking at the exit. People don't have to be tortured to want out of prison.